My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

@Multiplicationarithmetic seems on your case it should be easy enough as he is never home. .
Honestly though he will no doubt try to wear you down and make things difficult . He has a lot to loose and he should shag thought of that before treating you like he has.

Did you have a solicitor app ?

I've spoken with a solicitor a few times and she's asked me to think about how life will look after I've told him and started the process.
I've left the kids at home with him - it's 1pm, he's been working since 8.30 - Saturday morning!!!!- and the kids are yelling at each other.
He can step up a bit.😤

Have you found the necessary documents that backed up his spending and given them to your solicitor for her to assess your future income?
If the solicitor is not being very helpful for you and DC’s future you can change. I phoned several just to get their vibes.

I réalise you are working hard at housework and looking after the home but the time has come to find your independence through earning money. If you haven’t got what you need there is the OU or maybe the local college enroll as an older student. Get yourself work ready, out with the old stuff and dress the part. Get a coach to help you through the mental side.

I réalise the children have problems but try to have them start fending for themselves, teach them to prepare food, even cook simple things. Can they sign up for cookery classes or any classes to have them more independent and have other interests than fighting their sibling? Have them tidy up their things/clothes and throw out all what they don’t need, it will help them in the long run, less to clear up. Bribe them each month with a new top if needs be, as it sounds as though H has money.

Be prepared to stay until you have everything in line, don’t talk about divorce, even hide money, like he does, if you can be sure he won’t be able to find it
Whatever you do, get your ducks lined up beforehand.

Yes I’d be finding another solicitor . This is your choice op wtf.
She should be giving you all the advice you will need for a divorce that will make you come through the other as best on top as you can. @Multiplicationarithmetic poor advice .

Pray he will leave.

If he doesn't, don't you and/or the children leave the house.

Stay there, even if tough. you will lose your home, and with nowhere to go with the children, you may lose them.

@Multiplicationarithmetic

Good on you for deciding to divorce him! As far as what it's like living in the same house during the 'legalities', I'd say it depends on the people and the house.

If the couple agrees they're better apart and there's room enough, I suppose they agree to 'ground rules' and begin to live as roommates. They start dividing up domestic chores, figuring out how to divide the household expenses. And what the 'living arrangements' are going to be (ie someone moves to the spare room or in with a child).

If it's a 'one-sided' divorce well, I suppose it can be anything from just 'uncomfortable' to hell on Earth. If the house isn't big enough for a spare room or sleeping in with a child, then the one who wants 'out' may have to sleep on the couch. Finances can be difficult if the one who wants out isn't financially 'independent' as the other person may refuse to pay more than what it takes to keep the household running, if that. There is no counting on them giving you any money at all for your own needs. If there is violence or abuse, well, it continues until you can get out or it rises to the level where the police get involved and you can get an Occupation Order &/or Non-molestation Order.

The optimum is to find a safe place to go, get out, then file for divorce. Is there nowhere you can go? I'd go to a shelter or sleep on someone's floor in order to get out.

Depending on what you told the solicitor about leaving, the solicitor may just be being realistic about having to stay through the proceedings. It may be that they were trying to explain to you that your H will NOT have to pay your living expenses once you leave. Yes, he'd have to pay child maintenance, but that alone is rarely enough to rent a flat and pay the bills. I don't know what benefits you might be entitled to (I'm not in the UK).

So yes, there are obstacles and things will be, well, 'not nice' for awhile. But in the end you will be free. And that's worth the discomfort.

Happened to me. The first (very expensive and actually unpleasant lawyer) immediately launched into job ideas for me. Stalled me for 3 months on top of that.

I DID NOT ASK for bloody career advice from this woman. She did a lot of harm. Divorce took a further 2 years (through legal aid) that is how badly things were going for me and DC. My husband was arrested for DV.

DO NOT delay. It will likely take years anyway (if he wants it to)

Many lawyers told me NOT to get a job BTW. Until divorced. (Hidden assets/tax etc)

BlackStrayCat
Many lawyers told me NOT to get a job BTW. Until divorced. (Hidden assets/tax etc)

Could well be but get prepared as you have lived through this so far and he has the money so plan and save carefully.

It is over and done with! 😅

But was thinking of OP when a wrote.
However, did you work before the divorce BlackStayCat?

Yes. But the last 2 years in pandemic, no.

The lawyers were correct!

I've updated my skills to return to work and have begun to look for part-time in my field.
It'll be near minimum wage (think teaching after time spent prepping lessons).
So really not a lot of dosh at all.

He was complaining earlier about daughter and I arguing, I said we all know u don't like women apart from when they're serving you.
He didn't respond.

Working from home, perhaps?

You said that in front of your daughter? To her dad?

Yes, she just said so.
Bravo OP.
Now get on with the divorce.

There’s nothing bravo about badmouthing the other parent in front of kids. Divorce is stressful enough for them

Obviously.

But I think you are not picking up, or ignoring, extreme abuse.

the OPs own posts don’t really give enough info I don’t think. Yes, they are uncovering a lot of financial stuff that they were not aware of. But they also seemed to have accepted not being involved financially without too much question up till now. It may be abuse. Or it may be someone that hasn’t had much involvement just get their head around the details. There seems to be a lot of money, so there may be a lot of details

I don’t think there is is enough clarity in the posts of which it is. (I understand that’s not an acceptable view in this thread)

Either way I don’t think throwing abuse at the other parent in front of kids and expecting a response is helpful for the kids

Living with someone whilst going through a divorce is really tough. He sounds selfish and volatile and with little respect for you. So you need to tread very carefully. As soon as you mention divorce you are detonating a bomb. You need to have cover and protection in place. You need to plan carefully.

1. Gather all the evidence of finances you need - it will dissapear and be more difficult to trace once you mention divorce. Whilst you are gathering this info play things as normal and non-confrontational as possible. Have all his bank account details logged and balances if possible. Do a credit check to find them all out.
2. Build your finances - Can you start saving some emergency money ? Consider the risks - one of which is that he cuts you off financially to make life as difficult as possible for you. Be ready for this - have your own independent account set up and start saving into it. You may need to do this for a few months.
3. Consider the mortgage - if the house and mortgage is in just his name will he cease paying the mortgage once you drop the D bomb? This is why you need to build your fiances up. Make sure you have the mortgage details. Log your stake in the house with the land registry / mortgage provider if this is possible - legal advice needed.
4. Seek legal advice from a good solicitor - there are loads out there with difference styles, advice, and different interpretations of the law. Find one who is on your side and will fight for you.
5. Find out your rights to stay in the house after you drop the D bomb. Everything I know tells me you must insist that you stay in the house with the children and he should move out - but I dont know how you make that happen if he refuses. Living under the same roof can be very uncomfortable and a hostile environment - particularly if the other person is or becomes abusive. But you must not leave the house and you must stay with the kids
6. Support network - Seek the support of a trusted friend or family member. Do you need to have someone with you when you tell him? How will he react? If you would be in danger have someone with you. In fact do you know a large intimidating friend or family member who can literally move in for a week to make sure he moves out? There are organisations who will help support you too - eg womens aid. You might be entitled to legal aid for the divorce possibly.
7. Keep the kids trust - You need the kids on your side too so dont breach their trust. You need to consider what your hub will do re telling the kids, and also ensure you keep their trust in you. So consider when and how to tell them. Reassure them its not their fault and that you will support them to still be able to see their Dad and that life will remain the same as much as possible - eg that you are trying to make sure you live in the same house and that they have same friends / same school etc.

My ex husband refused to move out until divorce was through although he spent a lot of time away visiting family. It was a horrible experience living together (different bedrooms). Hostile atmosphere. Luckily our divorce was done in 8 months, but it could take 12 months or more. Try and get him to leave if at all possible - tell him you have had legal advice and you and kids are staying and he needs to leave.

Agreed - do not expose the kids. Protect them as much as possible. Put them first.
It will be really hard for them. Plus he might end up taking you to court for custody or for a child arrangements order for contact. He could allege you are turnign the kids against him and men often use 'parental alienation' as a weapon in court at which point every behaviour you display can be used against you. I have had this happen to me and had the allegations made against me. CAFCAS involved also. Did not amount to anything and he didnt get custody but did get the same contact as he already had. But it was a nightmare to go through an expensive court case lasting 18 months and ended up involving my children in the court case too which was hard for them too.

Absolutely. Whatever the wrongs and rights…the kids should be protected from as much of the animosity as is in your power.

That's awkward. Won't he know you are working and earning if you disappear same time each day?

So you have things in the house to sell? If you do, sell them, except things he has been given as a present. Everything is half yours anyway. He can have the devaluation. Sell on eBay. You will have to pay commissions, no listing fees, but at least it is safer for you. Don't let anyone come to the house to collect. You don't know who they are.

Save the money. Open a paypal account and leave the money in it, or transfer to a bank account he doesn't know about.

Have you considered therapy? marriage counselling?

presumably at one point you were happy and in love? Enough to get married and have kids anyway.

perhaps counselling could help u get back to that?

He refuses to go to counselling with me.
I've asked him many times over the years.

For 16 years, since our eldest was a toddler, I've asked him for details of his income since we got married, so we can do a budget together including savings.
He's consistently refused.
I had his male brother ask me, why do u need to know how much he earns?
I said so we can do our financial planning together!
His family are warped!!
Before anybody asks, I'm white and English.

You're right, I shouldn't have badmouthed him in front of our daughter. I should have done it in private.
Our children come first.
We're in separate bedrooms. He moved out a while ago.

Hi, he definately has an aspergers. He will never change. His behaviour is quite typical for aspergers man