My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

I wish I could help you with it OP - I love sorting out paperwork (I know, I'm crazy! 🤣). Good luck with it - it will be worthwhile because it will give you knowledge (and as we all know, knowledge is power). 🤗

If he hasn't done any filing for years, has he been paying Tax. I would hate for him , which would affect you, suddenly have a huge Tax bill.

@KookyBalonz I can't decide if OP's DH is plain lazy about paperwork, or disorganised and/or incompetent with paperwork (more of a worry) or has deliberately kept years-old paperwork to confuse and/or waste OP's time (absolutely a worry). I think OP needs to focus on anything with a date in the last 18 months and then go back in time for specific accounts as required.

Weaponised incompetence?

I think she was happy - until she found him being deceptive and decided she didn't want to live with deception for the rest of her life.

Would a marriage guidance counsellor tell her to try, when the evidence is there?

Not doing any filing might work in your favour. I never knew what my X was doing when I was working on something else, or on his finance.

If you don't know anything, you cannot be responsible for anything he does, which may not be entirely legal.

Divorce him on deception and unreasonable behaviour, but if you bring in how he got the £122K, you may not be able to deny you knew anything about it if he came by it by dubious means.

Frustrating. But on the other hand, if he'd been motivated to keep up with his filing he'd probably have been motivated enough to hide the files from you.

That's when someone has asked you to do something and you purposely do it wrong or repeatedly ask so many questions or for instructions on how to do it, with the intent of never being asked to do it again.

A couple of examples; asked to do the ironing, you burn holes in things or iron creases into them so they have to be replaced or re-ironed. Or asked to load the dishwasher you do it wrong so things don't get clean and have to be hand washed or you ask a zillion questions each time like "which way does this go, "should this be on bottom or on top", "where does the soap go?", etc.

You do this so the asker gets so frustrated or tired of having to redo what you've messed up or having to continually answer questions that they just say "Never mind, I'll do it myself".

Another thread has been started:

Unexpected inheritance..do I tell my partner?

Posters on that thread are recommending she doesn't tell the partner.

What do you think?

I think you shouldnt try to compare apples with oranges.

Well what would you do? Posters on here are sympathising with the OP having found her husband has salted away £122K while on another thread posters are encouraging the OP not to tell their partner they inherited some money.

It seems to me that the fruits are more or less the same. We are not sure where the DH on this thread got the money from yet, are we?

He could have been left it in a will and not told her!

I work on the theory of what's yours is mine and visa versa.

Don’t come on this thread with balance.

The guy hasn’t filed his taxes for years and it’s instantly what a bastard. If I found out a friend hadn’t done taxes for years I’d wonder if they had lost control and weren’t coping. As well as wondering if they were skipping taxes. But there’s no mercy or balance on this thread.

(The OP may have info that leads them to believe their partner is committing tax fraud as opposed to not coping. Which is leading them to jump to that conclusion. And that’s fair enough.) No-one else in this thread has that kind of information though.

Is it wise to find out? If she does, can she be accused of being party to anything illegal?

Honestly, I’m not a solicitor or an accountant so I wouldn’t want to give advice.

I do have significant experience of being subjected financial chaos though. (It was the reason I divorced my ex husband. Though he went in the other direction of secretly running up enormous debts.) And while it was extremely stupid and took both of us over 10 years to recover from (post divorce)…there is no doubt he lost control and suffered probably at least as much as I did. Possibly more.

The only advice I would give is consult solicitors and accountants for the detail stuff…not the internet. (Although some people gave good links 😊) And be as emotionally generous to one another as possible. (Mileage will vary.) We all mess up. This will pass and next is co parenting. Pave the most peaceful path for the kids that is in your power.

I got my divorce just before he was made bankrupt. I did not know what he was up to financially. It wasn't easy to convince people I knew nothing of what he was doing. My solicitor was glad of that.

The Judge gave me everything. Had he been made bankrupt before the divorce was finalised, I doubt I would have ended up with the house.

Sometimes, it is best not to know.

Where on earth did you get "he hasnt filed his taxes for years" from?!

Are you from the US?

In the uk that means he hasnt "done any filing" as in putting his files away in filing cabinets in an ordered way. In the UK we submit tax returns, which most people dont need to do as they pay via PAYE.

They have rental properties which you do need to file/submit taxes for in UK. It’s income

And at no point has the OP said that he hasnt.

Earlier posts were concerned about the tax implications (the original £122k) and whether what he was doing was legal/tax implications. OP then said they were off to do some financial investigation. Came back and commented he hadn’t filed for years. I (possibly wrongly) assumed they were referring to the finances rather than the tidiness of papers.

It was others that suggested that there may be tax implications not the OP.

I meant papers not filed in folders, not the American meaning. Sorry for the confusion. In UK.
He says he's submitted self-assesment tax - I've seen confirmation.

Update: I tried talking to him.
It was 3 pm on a Sunday.
I asked him can u get off your computer and take our younger one out.
Child had been patient since 1 pm when my husband had said we'll go out in 10 minutes - it was now 3 pm.
Husband got angry and called me a disgrace.
I don't want to ask him why he said that.
He didn't say anything about urgent work to finish so why get furious?
I'm not asking him about this - if I'm a disgrace then why stay with me?
He wants me compliant again.
I'm seeing a solicitor in a few weeks, after counselling cos I'm upset and solicitor said she wanted me calmer before we start the divorce.
I still can't believe its over.

Once again find another solicitor .