My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

@Multiplicationarithmetic dont know why you are waiting a few weeks to see a solicitor!

Me neither

Your solicitor is not exactly busting a gut to help you. All solicitors are not the same, talk to a different one.

Find another solicitor, one with an earlier appointment as well, who understands the urgency of the situation.

This all happened at the weekend.
I can't see her till school starts.

OP,you started this thread in January.

See a lawyer. NOW. Then come back.
Right now you are simply being foolish and making mistakes and excuses.

the poster was just wasting space being pedantic about the phrase 'filing taxes' (U.S. usage) Vs ' doing your tax return' (UK usage) ..honestly...there's a time and a place, and this isn't a school room

It wasn’t me that brought up whether it was file or submit. It was someone else. Scroll back. (If you can be bothered. I wouldn’t bother if I were you.)

Someone asking me if I was from US as I thought they were referring to taxes when they said file because the op had earlier mentioned they were worried about losing their home if taxes were wrong or something. (so I added submit too for clarity) Anyway, it doesn’t matter

i still thing the OP is in too vulnerable a state to be taking advice from the internet. It is unusual for a solicitor to turn someone away due to being too upset.

Agree absolutely-especially rgds the solicitor. Its part of their job to manage the upset. (My opinion of our legal friends is reflected in that Shakespearean quote '“Let's kill all the lawyers” ). And always in agreement rgds anyone taking advice from the Net/ Mumsnet without running it past a real person.

No OP, he's a disgrace! What sort of father promises to take their child out "in 10 minutes" and keeps them waiting 2 hours?!
And I would love to know what he's "working" on for hours, so earnestly, on a Sunday ... 🤔

It’s one of the main reasons I’d never give - do this, do that - type advice in the internet. You don’t know a persons state of mind when they post. Something which is easier (not always) to gauge in person. You may be telling someone to do X when actually they need Y support right at this moment in time.

Maybe the £122000 is unpaid backtax he's been squirrelling away for donkeys years. Go to CAB and get advice and stay as far away from him as possible. Best wishes. X

How did you get on OP?

UPDATE:
The counselling has turned into therapy thru a charity supporting women who are being abused.
Its helping me a lot and to consider how he supports me emotionally, not just financially.
I'm a lot better in myself and value myself more.
I feel more confident about challenging him and less worried about his reactions.
I dont know if we have a future together.
The therapy is helping me to evaluate previous events in my life and to envisage what I want going forward. 🌺

That’s really good news - well done on taking such positive action for yourself 🌺🌺

I dont believe it - envelopes dropped thru the door an hour ago (addressed to the rental property), stating that service charges haven't been paid and he owes £1,000.
FFS: He's out with the children (family) and rather than join them as I planned, I have to write down the original unpaid amount and list how its increased!
Hes irresponsible or forgetful with money!

Im going to devise a list of properties and what payments he is responsible for and when.
Im calmly telling him this is money down the drain cos he didnt set a calendar reminder.
More evidence why hes a financial idiot.💪

Maybe you have in fact outed him as financially incompetent?Magbe he needs your help tho he may be too proud to realise it)

That's exactly what I'm thinking
I don't have any higher qualifications but I do know to keep a list of what's due when.
I worked in an accountants, conveyancers & property management before having children. I may not have a degree in it but I know to write things down & refer to them.

About to start compiling the list of escalating service payments now (had to finish updating his and my calendar with school holiday dates and my to-do list first.)

That’s a good plan. He is probably too stubborn / proud and fragile ego’d to say he is struggling. In fact he may even be ignorantly continuing not even understanding how he is on a path to financial ruin (worst case scenario of course). Yoh may need to handle him carefully so as not to bruise his ego. It I think you can quietly regain / gain control or at least partial control to add in some sense and logic and order to the finances. You sound far more capable than him or at least can add in balancing views. People are entitled to make unwise decisions but not with other people’s finances. why not up-skill at same time (many free courses online). It sounds like you are gaining a good understanding of the situation now which is empowering. You may not yet know it all but you have a plan … best of luck !

Thanks Wooky.
X

So he said he got the debt cancelled cos he was only contacted by post & not email.
I said I want to see confirmation of this, cos it affects our/his credit score.
Told him that Ive been thru enough the past few years and I want a quiet, boring life.
I can't trust him financially - I need to go thru all the finances I think.😔

it won’t affect your credit score. (I’m speaking from experience.) But if his credit score tanks it will impact your ability to get joint mortgages/loans etc. It can also impact your ability to get a mortgage in your own name while still married

it sounds like your husband is drowning. Some people really struggle with finances and find it extremely stressful. It may be helpful to support each other through this? Instead of punishing his every mistake?

Stepping up and taking some responsibility for the organisation of your joint finances is a good first step. But if you keep punishing and calling him an idiot etc…it’s going to be very difficult to get the full truth from him.

if you genuinely want to sort it out you’ll need to drop the mocking and anger. I know thats not easy in a situation like this. But it is absolutely necessary

Hi Username.
I haven't gone mad at him.
Ive taken a pragmatic approach of how did it happen and how can we avoid it happening again - one benefit of therapy is me being calmer.

I feel that ive had enough, that marriage shouldn't be so 'transactional'.
There's so little emotional connection. Ive tried.
I thought I was enabling him to work and that he was on top of the finances.
I dont actually know anything about our finances.
I need to find out pension etc whatever happens between us.

I gave up having more of a life cos hes working so much.
Now, although its apparently been dismissed, he allowed a debt of £1 k.
Its like he lost it thru gambling.

He is just not reliable and no amount of talking to him will make him reliable.

I agree.
Im thinking why am I doing this, not just im not doing this anymore.

Last time I felt like this, I broke off a relationship cos his mother was too involved.
Im so upset and I have his family birthday party this pm. If I start crying im not going to hide it (obviously hide from the young birthday child cos im not ruining her party), but not hiding it from adults.

I have to be me.