My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

Is he white English?

OP said in an earlier post that they're both English.

Why not, if it's true? A daughter will notice his sexism for herself soon enough, if she hasn't already. And if she doesn't already see that her mother is very unhappy with how her father treats them, the divorce will probably tip her off.

We've all seen enough posts on here that are some variation on "my father was an abusive / sexist / both arsehole and my mother ignored it / minimised it / let him favour my brother over me / let me suffer for it and made excuses for him / acted like a total doormat all her life and taught me this is what women have to tolerate from men". Dealing with her twat of a father will be easier if at least the kid knows that her mother gets it.

I'm thinking Aspergers too (apologies, i know it's a term not used any longer - whats the correct term?).
In any event, that doesn't make his behaviour acceptable to me.
Every person living with autism is different.

Are you staying with the solicitor you had a meeting or have you phoned others?

Have you been able to look through all the papers in his office while he is out seeing his family/friends?

Don’t leave until all is planned. If you are finding it difficult find a coach/ psychologists to help you through it.

OP was already in an argument with her daughter when the dad intervenes. It then turns to name calling the dad instead in front of kids. This just sounds stressful and chaotic. Not assertive and reassuring. (OP - this is a stressful situation, not suggesting all of us may not behave out of character while going through his change)

There are much healthier ways of showing kids assertiveness. Like taking control, questioning the finances, being fully involved, not accepting a passive role, getting a solicitor. And OP is doing those things now.

I have a very solid understanding of being brought up around abusive men.’ And I really don’t think further name calling would have made it easier

She didn't call him any name, she just named the behaviour.

This guy seems like he's definitely the type to tell the kids that their evil bitch of a mother broke up the family for no reason at all. She's got to give them some idea of the reasons.

You just made that up though. Seems like the kind of guy. OP hasn’t said he speaks like that about her or has any history of doing that.

And there are much better ways of communicating the reasons for the divorce than having a go at each other than slinging insults of a Saturday night. You disagree, and that’s totally fine. I won’t change your mind. And you won’t change mine

Point taken. I usually try to stay impartial but it was late and I was tired. Needless to say, daughter & i were talking normally a few mins later.

Was more responding to others than commenting to you.

There are over 500 posts here. And a lot of them are very shouty. Do this, do that. Screw him, massive abuser etc. It’s very pressuring.

You’re doing the right thing staying calm, taking steady steps, getting the info you need, planning ahead.

(I’m not suggesting all posts are shouty. There are plenty with practical, calm, solid advice too.)

You have made your opinion clear.Others have different opinions.
Lets not derail further. It is not helpful to the OP.

Asd is the new term. Ofcourse its not acxeptable. Its very harmful to you. There is a thread here for woman living with Asd partner.
Just feeling so sorry for you as I had a partner like that, and its a nightmare on every level.
You are left feeling extremly lonely and exploited. ..

Good luck!

And yes every asd is different and there is lots of loving kind asd man

Keep a few thousand available to leave in a crisis (which originated as advice to women suffering domestic violence) is not the same at all as siphoning off family money to make huge private savings accounts.

He's taken them out for the afternoon.
I said I'm not coming with cos I'm not moderating 3 people who all want their own way.
He's refused to take a small bottle of water with cos it's only 50p in the shops - not near playgrounds it's not.🫣
I'm having a rest then more filing.

Time to look through the papers..

I don’t think offering a different opinion is derailing. I do get the impression that only one unified opinion is ‘allowed’

But at the end of the day, this is a real persons life and this thread is pretty forceful.

He has taken the DCs out, don’t moan when they arrive back, instead try and pick out the good points with a smile. It doesn’t matter he hasn’t taken water, he is in charge, his time with the DC. Greet them with a cup of tea and bickies.

@Multiplicationarithmetic

Well, I can't say I'd greet them with tea and biscuits, but I would greet the DC with a smile and say 'did you have a nice time?'. Just don't comment if they or he says something you disagree with about what they did or where they went.

But I do agree that he needs to learn to manage the DC on his own. If he doesn't take water, he'll be the one to hear their complaints and to buy water for them.

Glad to know you're in separate rooms. If you can, make yours into your 'sanctuary'.

They had a good time.
Spent lots of money on food.
This morning, 'D'H said it also cost him the money he lost not working.
Son said not everything is measured in money.👍

Out of the mouth of babes eh?!

Op. I hope you’re gathering evidence of all his financial affairs to protect yourself.have a look at firm e for the financial part of divorce and use that to consider what you need. Get photos of pensions, accounts, savings, shares, what money his given away and where/when etc. start hiding money yourself, buying some extra gift cards when doing your food shopping for the future etc. buy yourself stuff you can sell later in Future if you’re short of money. Dont under estimate what a bastard he will be, and his family as they will lose out as he won’t be able to support them so easily.

@Multiplicationarithmetic when does he receive the divorce papers ?

It's interesting how he recognises that when he is responsible for childcare it compromises his earning ability, but he doesn't see that as a problem for you.
I LOVE your DS's response BTW - did any flicker of recognition in the truth of your DS's statement cross your CF DH's face? Did it provoke any kind of response at all?

Katy, he didn't respond, no flicker nothing.
There's so much stuff to go thru!!
He hasn't done any filing for years!