‘good’ ways to die as an elderly person?

[morbideveningthoughts]

Okay so this is a bit of a sensitive / morbid subject and I hope it won’t be too upsetting for anyone. But I’d be curious to hear others’ thoughts as I can’t really have this conversation in real life.

I am single and childfree, this is a life choice and how I intend to stay. But, I do find myself thinking quite a lot about what my future will look like without any younger family around me.

I am turning 40 soon and I suppose I am having a bit of a ‘mid-life moment’ but am really trying my best to be healthy, eating good food and exercising, and thinking about how to sure up my health as best I can.

But then I think… for what? Do I really want to live into my 90s and become frail and lonely and dependent on others who are unrelated to me (or some form of AI, as may be the case by then).
I know it sounds horrible, but I do know a couple of elderly people in their 90s currently, who in a sense are the ‘lucky’ ones who have enjoyed good health generally and lived long lives. But they seem pretty sad and anxious generally, and have little to enjoy or look forward to due to loss of hearing, eyesight, mobility, manual dexterity, memory… everything is just really difficult for them and I know they feel afraid of what the future holds. And these are ladies with family to love and be loved by in return. That most likely won’t be the case for me.

The more I think about it, the more I think I’d prefer to be carried off by a heart attack in my early 80s. Looking after my arteries suddenly feels less important. We all have to go somehow, right?

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Perhaps a smack round the chops and a dose of common sense if I’m talking rubbish.

It's not even about assisted dying. We make sure we extend their lives and suffering for as long as possible will all kinds of treatments. It did strike me as perverse that care home residents were at the front of the queue for covid vaccine. So you had extremely elderly bed bound people living in terror with dementia, multiple other painful health conditions that we were doing everything we could to protect because 'they could die'.

My dad died this summer. Sudden heart attack. Again, probably dead before he hit the ground.

Upon reflection it was probably a good way to go for him- it seems he had no idea/didn’t feel ill. He was outside in the garden, in the middle of a mundane household job (so I don’t think he was in pain beforehand or would have gone inside and sat down etc).

However, it was incredibly traumatic for us. A complete shock. He had a minor heart issue several years ago and had annual checks to see all was still ok…. The last one being 12 days beforehand and was told all was fine (the PM said it was definitely not all ok, he’d had a previous heart attack that he’d not noticed, and 95% artery blockage). He was very fit and active until that morning, completed several sports classes that morning. My mum had nipped out to the shops and found him when she got home.

It feels like so much was unfinished and unsaid. Their retirement holiday home was almost completed, but never got to be enjoyed. I’d not given him his Father’s Day gift the week before, but had planned to see him the next day. I still feel so very guilty about that.

I hold onto the fact that he knew nothing about it, didn’t have prolonged pain, and, especially as he was so active and always busy, he would have absolutely hated to be incapacitated and unable to do the things he enjoyed.

If I could choose my death, it would be like this. I’d get up early on a cold, bright, sunny day and go to the beach. I’d sit in one of those whitewashed shelters looking out to sea. It would be cold enough to see my breath, but not bitter, and the sea would be almost still. I’d doze off and be found dead several hours later, sat upright with a faint smile on my face.

Terry's chocolate orange overload?

Yes, this is something that really frightens me - being at the mercy of other people. When you are old and ill and helpless, especially if you have no one younger to protect you, you’re vulnerable. And isolated, vulnerable people (especially when they’ve got money) are a target. There is so much evil in the world, and so many wicked and sadistic people, that I dread old age. I dread being at their mercy.

My friend’s gran used to keep a gift bag with a bottle of strychnine laced scotch in her car- she figured if she got car jacked and killed they’d almost certainly find and drink the scotch and she’d have the last laugh. This was in RSA- probably quite illegal here.

I'm 65 now and wouldn't dream of ending things. I'm really astounded to read your post tbh. Apart from being a bit stiff now and again I don't feel any different than I did in my 20s. Why on earth would anyone think 65 was the end of the line? Also child free btw. I love life and have no intention of letting go until I have to - which hopefully won't be for a long time.

I agree, 65 is very young to consider doing this. I'm 55, your forties fly by and before you know it 65 is really not far off

Well... I don't love life and I'd like to head off before I get vulnerable. I don't mean everyone should feel the same.

My dad died of heart failure at 80, after a week in hospital. 3 weeks before he died he was walking the dog and driving his car. He died over a couple of days, and with family by his side. I'm grateful that he didn't have a long, long period of dependency and gradual loss of mental capacity like my father in law who had a stroke but lived for another 18 years with many disabilities.

My 90 year old mother fell down the stairs on the 30th of December. She's still in hospital with a fractured collar bone and pelvis, and now a pulmonary embolism, so I've been thinking about this a lot. I think my mum will come home next week and I wonder how long she'll last now. She's still enjoying her food, chatting with staff and with us, and is reasonably ok cognitively. She's very scared of death. When she goes I hope it happens in her sleep. She's had an amazing long life and has been very successful in human terms - she's been so loved.

I’m sorry you’re not enjoying life. I sometimes feel that way myself. But I’ve been in and out of it several times, so I see death as a drastic permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Ironically, one of my current stresses is that one of my parents (aged 71) is increasingly showing signs of early dementia. Given that both my grandmas and another relative also had it, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it’s heading my way. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be miserable. When my friend’s angry, bitter dad developed Alzheimer’s disease, he actually mellowed into a nicer, more contented person!

I’m going to try therapy again (I can get a few sessions through work) and I hope you try it too. What have we got to lose?

In your own bed at home, peacefully while you sleep. That's the best way to go in my opinion.

I have a comprehensive Advance Directive lodged with my GP and my will to avoid being kept alive should I lose capacity to decide myself whether I wish to continue living.

I have no wish to end up in a care home.

Hopefully I’ll just go to sleep and not wake up.

Well, money and possibly sanity if they do more harm than good. My experience of life isn't irrational it's just mine.

I don't mind ending up in a care home, as long as its a party home and I don't need care, so more like an old people's home than care home. I want one with a no vaccine, no antibiotics rule so that a short illness can take the residents off before they become decrepit. Nobody bed bound in my home, we'll be dancing.
If people want to live with confusion , pain and suffering, extended as long as possible with medical treatments, they can go to one of the style of care homes we have now.

In fact does anyone know if such a care home exists? The residents would be younger and die sooner of course. No forced liquid food either, they can have solid food if they want, even if it means they might choke and die.
I wonder if such a home would be shut down by the CQC because the residents weren't suffering enough.

Exactly! I am 60 and want to die whilst I am still able to volunteer, travel, do hobbies etc.... ie before any illness raises its head. That's why dying at 60, 61, 62 etc would also be fine, because I'd still be in the thick of things. And once I'm dead, then I can't "miss out" because there'll be no emotions, just nothing.

I have very firm aspirations for being elderly. I'm going to live with a cantankerous cat, who I will take for walks on a lead. I'm going to have a walking stick, which I'll use to poke pavement dawdlers before I imperiously order them out of my way. I'll have a purple perm and dress outrageously, but always have a pocket full of sweets for the local kids. DH will despair of my reputation with the neighbours. It's going to be brilliant.

Love this tread as I was planning for the old age and ending my life. I am 50s and childl free by the way.

I read your last post then went to brush my hair and when I was looking in the mirror I thought of what you said. I was looking at my reflection and trying to picture myself saying those things. At 65 you’d still be young. Is it possible to try and talk you round to thinking differently or has something so catastrophic happened in your life to make you feel the way you do. But if that was the case surely you’d want to leave now and not when you’re 65.

I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped the mark saying these things but your posts have troubled me and I’m thinking of you.

Oh yes this sounds marvellous!

I'd like to be like the 86 year old aunt who has just got herself a new 91 year old boyfriend.

Sadly that is very much not the case, my dad has Lewy Bodies dementia and knows exactly what is happening to him, it's by far the worst thing about it. He's terrified, depressed, and anxious, as is my stepmother. I feel so sorry for him.

I absolutely dread ending up in a care home. I don’t like people at all. I quite enjoy the company of certain individuals, but not humans in general. Sharing a kitchen and living area with a bunch of random strangers is my idea of hell. My aunt is in assisted living, and she said it’s like being back at school - you get the same bitchiness, bullying, nasty little cliques, etc. Imagine having to sit and listen to people talking at you for hours on end because they’re bored. Droning on about their achievements, boasting about their grandchildren, telling you in detail which universities their great granddaughter has got offers from. Then you’ll get the twats who think they’re hilarious ‘characters’ and are going to ‘cheer everyone up’. Hell, pure hell.

I have always been too cowardly to take drugs. But if I reach my early 80s, I’m going to try the lot. Alcohol is a disgusting, rubbish drug, so I won’t be bothering with that. But fingers crossed the illegal drugs will send me on my way with a smile. Hopefully by then many of them will have been legalised.

I'm with you. I don't want to bloody die at 65, just when I'm about to retire! I want at least a decade of long holidays and long lunches with friends.

I have often thought that as well. And then the activities they do, it's like being back in nursery.

The care home my nan lived in often had music sessions with popular music from back in the day. Imagine being forced to listen to something like S Club 7 because that was popular when you were young, instead of Nirvana that you actually listened to.