‘good’ ways to die as an elderly person?

[morbideveningthoughts]

Okay so this is a bit of a sensitive / morbid subject and I hope it won’t be too upsetting for anyone. But I’d be curious to hear others’ thoughts as I can’t really have this conversation in real life.

I am single and childfree, this is a life choice and how I intend to stay. But, I do find myself thinking quite a lot about what my future will look like without any younger family around me.

I am turning 40 soon and I suppose I am having a bit of a ‘mid-life moment’ but am really trying my best to be healthy, eating good food and exercising, and thinking about how to sure up my health as best I can.

But then I think… for what? Do I really want to live into my 90s and become frail and lonely and dependent on others who are unrelated to me (or some form of AI, as may be the case by then).
I know it sounds horrible, but I do know a couple of elderly people in their 90s currently, who in a sense are the ‘lucky’ ones who have enjoyed good health generally and lived long lives. But they seem pretty sad and anxious generally, and have little to enjoy or look forward to due to loss of hearing, eyesight, mobility, manual dexterity, memory… everything is just really difficult for them and I know they feel afraid of what the future holds. And these are ladies with family to love and be loved by in return. That most likely won’t be the case for me.

The more I think about it, the more I think I’d prefer to be carried off by a heart attack in my early 80s. Looking after my arteries suddenly feels less important. We all have to go somehow, right?

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Perhaps a smack round the chops and a dose of common sense if I’m talking rubbish.

My elderly aunt did just 'drop down dead' - the coroner remarked on her gloves being dry and her face bruised, demonstrating that she'd not put up her hands to break her fall. Boom. Gone.

My mum died very quickly in hospital of sepsis, unexpectedly and suddenly - traumatic for us but she went downhill so so fast within 36 hours (but had poor health anyway, a 'natural' death would have been long and protracted and ghastly).

My aunt is lingering with dementia - at 96 her body is still holding out but her mind is totally gone. Heartbreaking.

Hopefully when my time comes it'll be quick and as painless as possible.

I'm nearly 60, so I think any more than another 10 years would be too long. I want to drop off the perch when I'm still (reasonably) active. Living longer doesn't mean living better, in my view, so I would rather have quality than quantity.
In fact, if it was guaranteed instant and pain-free, there'd be no issue if I died in my sleep tonight.

This with bells on. My grandmother suffered from a very undignified end. She had advanced dementia, there had been a couple of occasions where she got pneumonia and other infections that would have carried off, but she kept getting patched up.

In the beginning of her dementia she was still my grandma, just a bit forgetful. By the end she was crying the whole time, couldn't talk and couldn't recognise her own children. My last memory of her is finding her in her room with her incontinence material ripped to shreds. My grandma was quite proper, she would have been absolutely horrified I am sure.

Based on what I have seen around me I would say a quick death in your early 80s with good health up to that point would be an ideal death.

My two grandmothers lived into their 90s. One had dementia (horrific), the other didn't, but both had very low quality of life in their later years. I wouldn't want that for myself.

One grandad died of pancreatic cancer in his 60s - far too young.

The other grandad died in his early 80s. He had been fit and well until he collapsed one day while out shopping with my nan in a nearby town he had driven to. It was a brain tumour. He died six weeks later, which was just enough time to say some goodbyes. He had been very active up to that point. He had some pain in his final weeks but didn't suffer for long. Pretty close to a good death.

My mil died of a heart attack in her sleep. Up until three months before she had been swimming daily, playing golf, etc. she found herself getting a bit breathless and had had some investigations. The team was deciding between a stent and bypass surgery when she died. She was late 70s. A little early (I wish the dr had not prevaricated) but better than a long drawn out decline.

Unfortunately (Dignitas aside) we don't get to choose.

Both of my grandmothers died from UTIs following years of dementia. As scary as dementia is, I don’t think it’s always a terrible way to go.

Had my grandmothers been asked in advance, no doubt they would have said they wouldn’t want to live in that condition. It was also very hard for their close family members to watch their decline. However, for them the “merciful fog” descended and they seemed quite content most of the time. Neither of them reached the final sub-stages of being unable to walk or speak at all - luckily most people don’t.

I fear cancer more, and the diseases I fear most are probably MND and Huntingdon’s disease.

Fall asleep and not wake up some time at any age before I get incapacitated physically or mentally. I feel like early 80s might be about right. Living healthily now isn't in order to avoid or delay dying (i think thats hard to control!) but to try and give myself a better chance of a healthy and active last couple of decades of life. If I can be active and independent and live with minimal pain that's good. I wish euthanasia was legal here, it would take so much of the fear out of aging for me personally.

That’s a lovely death.

Death does scare me. I first witnessed it when I was 19 and watched my kind, gentle grandmother die of a brain haemorrhage. It was a horrible, lingering death that took 24 hours or more. Utterly awful. Then my grandfather died of a brain tumour, which was also horrible and slow. Those deaths haunt me.

But not everyone dies like that. Some people do have lovely deaths. I remember someone telling me their relation was sat next to her husband on a park bench. He heard her sigh and lean against him. He thought she was just snuggling up. In fact, she’d died. My stepmum’s dad died while sat in a chair watching the boxing with his son. His son left the room to make them coffee, and when he came back his dad was dead. Some people do seem to go instantly and painlessly. Katherine Hepburn said she was talking to Spencer Tracey while she paced the bedroom and he sat up in bed. She turned to see him smile, then his eyes misted a bit and she realised he was dead.

Rather than prolonging people’s lives in misery and pain, it would be better if medical science could help us all to die like that.

I know a couple of people who live in a retirement village. Independent flats with medical assistance on site as and when needed - including 1 to 1 when necessary, remaining in their own flats. There's everything! A shop, hairdressers, gym, pool, classes of all kinds, entertainment, dining...

I want to move in now!

I don't have any younger family either, and my plan is when the time comes I'll sell my house and move there. Or somewhere similar.

No, you're not out of touch, young people seem to have this idea that 70 is an age when life is no longer worth living - which is very far from the case in the people I know of that age. My neighbours, both in their mid 70s, still work very hard full time (in their own business) and show no signs of stopping.

You are never too young to have a favourite chair. I've had mine since my twenties.

Well a my GF in law was still very active and just dropped dead outside a shop in his early 80's. Great way to go.

My grandma died aged 86, in her own home, own bed, with her daughters looking after her. I always said to me, this is the ideal way

That’s lovely.

Does your mum recall how she felt in that moment? That it was just that… a sudden switch off? With no fear?

I always thought I’d prefer to die in my sleep, preferably at an advanced age with no illness beforehand.

However, the pathologist Dr Richard Shepherd recently wrote (and this is from memory), that although what precedes death might sometimes be terrible, he believed that the experience of death itself might be an amazing (euphoric?) feeling of release. Dr Shepherd added that he didn’t want to die in his sleep as he didn’t want to miss it.

I do sort of wonder who benefits from this and I think the answer is drug companies and private care homes.

If we carry on life will be miserable for the younger generations having to support a majority of elderly dependents.

I know lots of people in their 70s who lead wonderful joy filled lives - they go hill walking or other sports, travel, go to gigs / the theatre / shows / exhibitions , see friends, sing in choirs / play in bands , do gardening , volunteer, see their grandchildren etc .

It’s mostly single / widowed / divorced peole and some couples .

I don’t know any who wish they had died in their 60s.

Sometimes I think it would be good to pick my date and book in with the legalised euthanasia team.
I could diarise my bucket list and get on with it.
Plan my pension and assets according - what I’ll need to spend and what I’m passing on to others.
I could visit friends in far off places, say my goodbyes over long teary evenings full of reminiscence and gin.
Write any letters or memoirs… the classic ‘lessons from an old person’ crap that young people don’t read until they’re old and it’s too late.
Keep myself fit and healthy in order to enjoy my countdown days. Never waste a day as they all count, I’m putting an x on fridge calendar every morning as a reminder! I know how many are left!!

But then.. on the day.. the time has come.. do I set off knowing this is it? I’ll not be coming home. No need for a cheap off peak return.. a single fare is all that’s needed… Oh what if it’s a lovely day and I fancy a long lunch people watching?!
Or do I phone in an excuse like the trains are playing up and have just one more day.
Just to see the sunrise again.
Or maybe a week.
Actually let’s just see how it goes.

My dad died of a massive heart attack in his sleep in his early 70s. Hadn't been ill beforehand but on the day of the heart attack he wrote in his diary that he felt a bit "off colour".
He went to sleep in his chair and didn't wake up again.

Having seen my cousin’s husband suffer a prolonged and painful death in his 60s from a brain tumour, I completed a Living Will from these chaps… https://compassionindying.org.uk/how-we-can-help/living-will-advance-decision/

Witnessed by a colleague at work and posted to my GP to be added to my records.

My grandad I think had a pretty decent end

He was 92 and had a few health issues pretty healthy considering he was v overweight and a heavy drinker

he lived independently with just family members going in with shopping until the last few weeks of his life. He got taxis to and from the pub a few times a week. He went downhill and was in hospital about 3 weeks before he died peacefully

so not quite going to bed and never waking up but not far off it

My mum had a very long drawn out, horrific death (vascular dementia)

My dad suffered an aortic aneurysm which was a total shock. He died on his own, very suddenly.

For me, both were equally horrendous in their own way but if I had a choice of how I'd go I'd choose my dad's exit any day.

@Everythingisnumbersnow I am genuinely curious, why 65? That still seems fairly normal 'older age' without yet being 'elderly' if that makes sense. Why on earth would you want to go at around 65?!

Everyone has their “ideal” death, but the reality is none of us have a clue what will happen when. Having a plan makes us feel more in control of something we have precious little control over, so a bit of pre thinking can be reassuring. But overthinking it is pointless and a waste of life. I worked with old people. Some were fed up of life. Some still loved life and had a right laugh despite disabilities. The important thing is to concentrate on, and if you can to enjoy, the present while you have it. I’m in my late sixties and still loving it!

I don't want to be old or a widow.