‘good’ ways to die as an elderly person?

[morbideveningthoughts]

Okay so this is a bit of a sensitive / morbid subject and I hope it won’t be too upsetting for anyone. But I’d be curious to hear others’ thoughts as I can’t really have this conversation in real life.

I am single and childfree, this is a life choice and how I intend to stay. But, I do find myself thinking quite a lot about what my future will look like without any younger family around me.

I am turning 40 soon and I suppose I am having a bit of a ‘mid-life moment’ but am really trying my best to be healthy, eating good food and exercising, and thinking about how to sure up my health as best I can.

But then I think… for what? Do I really want to live into my 90s and become frail and lonely and dependent on others who are unrelated to me (or some form of AI, as may be the case by then).
I know it sounds horrible, but I do know a couple of elderly people in their 90s currently, who in a sense are the ‘lucky’ ones who have enjoyed good health generally and lived long lives. But they seem pretty sad and anxious generally, and have little to enjoy or look forward to due to loss of hearing, eyesight, mobility, manual dexterity, memory… everything is just really difficult for them and I know they feel afraid of what the future holds. And these are ladies with family to love and be loved by in return. That most likely won’t be the case for me.

The more I think about it, the more I think I’d prefer to be carried off by a heart attack in my early 80s. Looking after my arteries suddenly feels less important. We all have to go somehow, right?

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Perhaps a smack round the chops and a dose of common sense if I’m talking rubbish.

I’m hoping to experience death since I don’t really want to miss out any of the life cycle! However to be honest this means short illness/ sudden accident before dying as opposed to dementia I don’t think anyone needs to experience that

This is how my grandma died. In her favourite chair.

my father had one and they said at the hospital that he was dead when he hit the floor. It gave us all a lot of comfort, he would've been the worst patient had he survived and would've been very unhappy.

my biological mother laid down for a nap one afternoon and didn't wake up, that would be my preference personally.

Quick, relatively painless and no lingering or dementia is my goal for dying.

I am hoping for quick and unexpected with a decent glass of red wine in one hand and chocolate in the other, or a really delicious bit of cheddar.
Failing that, just not waking up one morning.

Well that's just silly. Lots of people have heart attacks and strokes and don't die at the time. I can assure you that living for several years in care with the effects of a severe stroke is not fun.

DM died getting ready to go shopping, she had been quite well, early 80s and often walked to the shops and library. I suppose that was quite a good death.

I'd like to go fast and in my sleep.

Recently watched my dad loose the fight to cancer after years of poor health in multiple other areas. I don't want my last few years to look like his. Provided I had good strong painkillers and supplemented this with all the illegal drugs I responsibly avoid currently I'd like to think I'd just accept the diagnosis and let it take me/accidental overdose instead of fight to live a painful shell of a life. But who knows maybe when I'm faced with it I will desperately want to live.

I have a disabled child. I worry so much about what will happen to him when I can't care for him. I worry for my dd who may feel she has to step up and take over from me. I couldn't let her care fo me too. And what little I have to my name if want to pass on not waste on my care

Definitely look after your cardio vascular system, you don't want to have a stroke or clot and become incapacitated.

My sibling and I are both singletons. We're aiming for longevity, but if something happens to prevent that, Switzerland is the preferred option currently.

We do discuss death and dying openly, having watched various relatives including one parent, and now the remaining one with a life limiting condition, tends to focus the mind.

I have terminal cancer at 52. If I knew this was going to happen I would have had more holidays, spent more money on my house, eaten out and basically just enjoyed life with my money instead of saving for a rainy day. Enjoy your life - you’ve no idea what’s round the corner!

How do I wish to die? Bloody quickly instead of being reliant on painkillers which don’t really work and sitting on a bloody couch all day!

I always said I wanted to fall into my grave laughing, with a fag in one hand and wine in the other - to die the way I've lived! I'm mildly surprised I'm still here at 70, though not surprised I've got COPD and assorted other malaises. If/when I'm able to identify the 'final stretch', I intend to go somewhere sunny for a last hurrah and engineer that crash.

I despise the idea that old-person life is not worth living. I didn't even think this when I was fit and astonishingly healthy. You might look at elderly people and - because you, as you are now, wouldn't like it - assume it's a misery.

You'll have twice the life experience by then. You'll see things in a different light (and need a brighter light to see things, heh). Sure, the aches & pains are a bummer and it's not great to lose strength & stamina. But you're getting old, you know this happens; it's hardly a shock. You'll probably choose a quieter life. Your priorities will change. Having so many decades on board, you've got more to think about and will probably develop an even richer mental life.

You might get lucky, like my stepdad, and carry on with full physical capacity and mental acuity into your nineties. Even he, though, chose an increasingly calm lifestyle as years went by, sorting through his past experience while slowing the pace of new projects (he published his memoirs).

You might be a bit less lucky, like my mum, who's been gradually losing capacity over many years. Now very restricted, she often says she's fed up of being alive ... but ask her if she still finds joy in her daily life? 'Oh, yes!' she says, and relishes telling you all about it! It may not look like LIVING to someone a third of her age - but how the hell can they know what living feels like at 94?

My stepdad just sort of faded over a year or so, getting more and more tired until he just didn't wake up. I'd quite like that, too. But given my current condition and lousy risk management, I'll do my best to crash as I jokingly planned when mobile phones were sci-fi, marital rape was legal and the only electric vehicles were milk vans 🥂

It is hard.

My dad died at 69, 7 months after a brain tumor diagnosis, it was awful to watch.

DH's uncle died a month after my dad, heart attack, Sunday afternoon on the sofa watching TV. Normal health, no indication at all.

My mum is now 87, had a bad fall resulting in a broken hip and is now in a wheelchair in a care home after being independent until 86. I wished for her to die in her sleep but unfortunatley it didn't happen. Apart from her mobility issue and normal age related memory loss she is sharp, well read and up to date on everything. It's sad to see her unable to live like she wanted to.

My PIL (86 and 92) - still living independently but one small thing can be devastating. It feels like a house of cards and they are on borrowed time.

I hope that DH and I are able to live together independently as long as possible but we also acknowledge that there will be the need for help and maybe even care. So financial independence is high on our list of future planning.

You still have to look after your health even if you don’t want to live to be in your 90’s, I’m doing it primarily so that I don’t spend 10/15 years in poor health and pain and not be able to have any quality of life not so that I can live to be 90+

Yeah, the problem isn’t having a massive heart attack when you are 88. It is having a series of small heart attacks aged 66, and then slowly dying of heart failure (or vascular dementia, or peripheral vascular disease, or having a stroke and being bed bound and tube fed for another three years).

I'm going for the reasonably long and healthy life (have been working on all the things that should help that), followed by the fast natural death option if I can possibly manage that too.

If my heart stops for whatever reason, I absolutely don't want to be resuscitated. I'm not scared at all about dying - I've worked around terminal care, been around terminally ill friends of my own age, and have cared for elderly relatives in their final years and at at end-of-life. I just want to be allowed to die when my body has decided its time it up with minimal interference in the natural scheme of things, whether it is tomorrow or in 30 years time (I'm late-60s).

I'm fit and healthy as far as I know but I'm worried that I'll end up unexpectedly collapsed at the supermarket, swimming pool, library, workplace, or out on a walk somewhere and be given CPR and/or defibrillation by well-meaning passers-by or ambulance staff. I'd support anyone who wanted the chance to stay alive by getting this sort of help, it's just that I know I don't, and my children know my wishes too.

Does anyone know if you can get a DNR put in place when you are fit and healthy and not knowingly terminally ill? If I can get a DNR, I've wondered about always carrying the documentation and wearing medicalert type jewellery to flag it up. Has anyone else looked into the possibility of doing this?

I am surprised about the people thinking 70 is an appropriate time to go? When you get to 50 70 will not seem so old or far away.

Thanks for raising this OP. It also is on my mind.

A neighbour of mine died peacefully in her sleep the other day. She had been living a good life. In her 80s. Out walking with friends every day. Still completely on the ball and with lots of opinions. She was very obese, but it didn't seem to be a problem.

I think that is a good way to go.

I don't think dementia is a good idea because it gets to the point where you can't give permission or refuse permission for life-extending treatment, so you can end up delirious and bed bound and incontinent, and still have doctors giving you antibiotics to keep you alive. I don't really like that idea.

I'm in crap health and every time I try to improve it, something comes alone to grind me down again. I think it's quite hard to make improvements.

Given a choice I would like to die like my uncle, on holiday walking up a hill of a sudden and fatal heart attack age 86.

My DPs situation feels very much like yours @reluctantbrit DF 91 DM 86. Steadfastly managing without any help even though I filled in the attendance allowance form and DM gets the full weekly amount <sigh>. Neither one could manage without the others and selfishly I worry about how much will be needed from me when the inevitable happens.

@QuietAndPeace, yes, you're actually encouraged to register your treatment preferences - and organise your Powers of Attorney - while healthy. You should be able to get help with this via your GP.

Side track... What age is it acceptable to have a 'favourite chair'?
(Is early 40s too young?)

I think they are very smart about it in Switzerland. I've never let a pet suffer at end of life and I like to think that I could have that for myself too. I only have one child and I hate to think that he would have to worry over me when I am old.

OP you’re 40. By the time you’re 70, I’m fairly sure we’ll have the option of medically assisted dying (without terminal illness being a condition).

Yes, and it might not be all that optional.

We'll all be lined up by force

Hopefully in my sleep. I use to be terrified of death until I watched two little ones go in the neonatal unit. The attempts to resuscitate them looked so traumatic. The first went quickly and looked so peaceful. The second seemed to keep fighting and fighting and it all looked so traumatic. I remember whispering 'if you want to go, you can go. I love you so much'. And he did, within a minute or two he was gone and looked at peace

I live a life of doing what makes me happy and remember time is precious.

Their life gave me a new outlook and appreciation for time. Above all though, the ability to not care too much about other people's opinion of me. And I am forever grateful for that very special gift

Eh? I didn't think 70 was that old to consider it a standard age to consider popping off in the best way. Sure, it's elderly but I thought most people only started really to make peace with a natural age related end in their 80s? Or am I wildly out of touch