‘good’ ways to die as an elderly person?

[morbideveningthoughts]

Okay so this is a bit of a sensitive / morbid subject and I hope it won’t be too upsetting for anyone. But I’d be curious to hear others’ thoughts as I can’t really have this conversation in real life.

I am single and childfree, this is a life choice and how I intend to stay. But, I do find myself thinking quite a lot about what my future will look like without any younger family around me.

I am turning 40 soon and I suppose I am having a bit of a ‘mid-life moment’ but am really trying my best to be healthy, eating good food and exercising, and thinking about how to sure up my health as best I can.

But then I think… for what? Do I really want to live into my 90s and become frail and lonely and dependent on others who are unrelated to me (or some form of AI, as may be the case by then).
I know it sounds horrible, but I do know a couple of elderly people in their 90s currently, who in a sense are the ‘lucky’ ones who have enjoyed good health generally and lived long lives. But they seem pretty sad and anxious generally, and have little to enjoy or look forward to due to loss of hearing, eyesight, mobility, manual dexterity, memory… everything is just really difficult for them and I know they feel afraid of what the future holds. And these are ladies with family to love and be loved by in return. That most likely won’t be the case for me.

The more I think about it, the more I think I’d prefer to be carried off by a heart attack in my early 80s. Looking after my arteries suddenly feels less important. We all have to go somehow, right?

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Perhaps a smack round the chops and a dose of common sense if I’m talking rubbish.

I live in a nice apartment building occupied by lots of downsizing boomers. I sleep, eat, work. They seem to have a great time. Travelling, partying, boozing, cruising (ships not parks…. but who knows). So don’t write off older age.

I have the late onset alzheimers gene and also autism which puts me at greater risk of developing dementia. I'm 55 but have an Advance Directive and need to make sure I don't live into old age. Because of autism I can't enjoy my life now and can't go on holiday or do fun things. I can no longer work due to depression. Life is tolerable but not great and I live with a shed load of bad experiences and memories behind me. I've never really been happy to be honest.

I'm definitely never having a pneumonia vaccine.

My mum died suddenly in 2007, aged 67, one night on her way to bed, of a massive heart attack. I'd only left, after visiting all evening, about 5 minutes before she died, as it turned out. Sadly, I found her a few days later when I hadn't heard from her and got worried.

I spent a year full of guilt, depression and grief and ended up having bereavement counselling.

I spent weeks, trying to deal with the guilt I was feeling, that I should have been there. If I hadn't gone and she'd had the heart attack, could I have helped. That I should have pushed her more to go to the doctors. Should have done this, that and the other. Finally, on the 6th or 7th session, my counseller asked me a question and told me to think about it for 5 minutes before answering - how would your mum have "liked" to die?
And it hit me like a bullet. That was the perfect way for her to have gone. No hospital, no tubes, no inconvenience. Just like she did. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
So I think that's how I'd like to go. 💐

To outlive everyone you have ever known and loved is totally and utterly heartbreaking.

Would you be able to have a cat?

It’s easy to say that when you are young. I developed pregnancy induced hypertension which didn’t resolve so have been taking meds since as preventative. It’s the longterm impact on the heart and blood vessels that is the problem and for most people who are otherwise healthy the hypertension is symptomless until you have the first heart attack or stroke.

Screening led to my diagnosis of breast cancer at 57. I’m now 60 and still NED. My poor DSis died 2mnths ago of pancreatic cancer, 56, eight weeks from diagnosis. Vague symptoms started 6 weeks prior.

I’m now panicking that I’m not ready to die yet. I know that we don’t really get a choice but when faced with your own mortality you are less flippant.

Although my favourite would be driving a fancy red sports car off a very tall cliff into the sea. Might as well make it exciting.

I think you are asking hypothetically but here are examples close to me:
early 80s - no children widowednin middle age enough money to take very good care of her health and remains active and sociable
mid 80s - no children never married extremely frail due to various health conditions that crept up and made each other worse. Mobility and isolation worsened by lockdown and not recovered since compounded by health issue that GP did not spot due to doing phone appointments only. Can’t cope at home but too old and stubborn to move to supported accommodation. Clearly hoping to die of a quick event to the extent of not letting us know when she thought she was dying of covid. Clearly terrified of going into a home.
mid 80s. Divorced and has children but they are not much help. Divides her time between her home country and another country where she volunteers. Constantly travelling eg doc countries in 21 days, sn immense gift for friendship and total phenomenon. Serous underlying health condition but she doesn’t let it stop her. Makes new friends easily.

so from that I would say - start now to ensure you are as healthy as possible- take up and maintain e exercise you can keep up in old age.

• make friends with people younger than yourself because otherwise they start dying or being too old to do fun things with
• live somewhere not too isolated

I had a family member go in their 70s go with voluntary assisted dying. I was by their side as they went to sleep never to wake up. Hopefully that becomes easier to access in the future.

Absolutely terrified of dying and I think about why a lot. My mother suffered a drawn out, brutal, cancerous death in her early 40s (I was 22) and I think I've never been able to get over that, despite having grandparents who died in their 90s.

I feel like I am cheating life. I had a close friend who was much older and he died at nearly 90. I actually have his ashes, and he died very suddenly of a short illness. An aunt died recently at 88 peacefully, in her sleep.

How would I go? Hopefully well into my 90s and "ready". I read The Archaeology of Loss by Sarah Tarlow recently and it stirred thoughts again, That book covers suicide and it really upset me.

House clean, legs shaved, fresh sheets. Drifting off to sleep thinking happy thoughts after a lovely cup of tea in a china cup. Photograph of loved ones next to me & Nick Drake playing softly.

Can I also request light rain against the windows please and a smidge of blusher so I don’t look too rough on being found.

How old are you now? And why do you hope to die before you’re 70?

I’m 66 and hoping for many more good years yet. I currently have mid 80’s in my mind. I want to lap up as much life as I can and I really do want to be part of my children and grandchildren’s life for as long as I can.

Most want quickly, that's why most of would chose to take a pill and 'slip away'. My closest friend nursed her mum and then her dad trough horrible long cancer deaths where they were screaming in pain, horrible.

Crikey!!

Before 70?

I'm 60 now, so before 70 is a bit too soon for me...

In the words of Mick Jagger - 'you can't always get what you want'....

As long as I don't have dementia, god it's a horrific thing. I'd also like to not be in pain especially ongoing pain for years people go through.

I'd love to live as long as possible as long as I am healthy and with my wits about me and surrounded by my children & grandchildren and able to live a good a life.

Loneliness is awful as well. Our neighbour is in her late 80's and was living a great life until her sister died a few years ago. she was saying how lonely it is when most of your friends & family are dead and she feels like she is simply waiting for death. That's very upsetting as she was very much the type of person who found the joy in the little things.

Don’t worry about it OP. So many things can happen that will stop you from ever making old bones.

I also have lived a lifestyle to ensure I have overall good health and have always valued my health. I’ve never smoked, always been a healthy weight, eat well, don’t eat fried food, exercise and rarely drink. And then at 50 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and when I questioned “why me?” My Dr said it was nothing I’d done or could’ve prevented it’s simply being a woman and getting older.

You never know what will happen in the future. Enjoy the now.

I'm still amazed that we protect life at all costs no matter there maybe no quality at all in that life . IMO there is no joy in medical science keeping alive someone in their 90's with no aspect of life as they know it . Same with severely disabled new babies , why would you allow constant suffering to be endured for the sake of ' breathing ' . Far better to let them slip away .
I would like to enjoy my life until it gets to the point of chronic mobility or declining mental health and then pop a pill or go in my sleep . Quick and pain free at a time of my choosing would be perfect .

I agree with you hattie43

I think this generation might be the last that have to endure this torture. My generation have seen the horror of this, kept alive at all costs, and won't have it for themselves.

I'm glad they have a great time but it's not for me. My official retirement age will be 70+ by then. Pensions tax relief will be slashed by then. My husband has a chronic illness and will probably die before me. The world is getting poorer and scarier and I really look forward to getting out. Would have no problem going right this second except for the upset if would cause others and I really don't want to be wobbly on my feet, blind, a visible victim to the monsters among us who stalk the vulnerable. Have you heard of cuckooing? I want to be dead before that's possible.

A debilitating, non-fatal stroke is not how I would choose to live the rest of my days, like my poor MiL

TBH from all I’ve ever read or heard, it’s often the relatives who want their elderly relative kept going, regardless of quality of life. I gather that medics are often reluctant to suggest that it might be kinder to let Nature take its course, because some relatives will be very upset, if not actually furious. Medics are understandably wary of tabloid headlines screaming, ‘Callous doctors wanted Mum to die!’

I knew of a case where a parent was diagnosed with heart trouble that would need a pacemaker, if it wasn’t eventually going to be fatal. All very well, except that the parent was over 90, with already at least moderate dementia.

The relatives asked what would happen if s/he didn’t have the pacemaker.
Answer, s/he would probably die peacefully in their sleep.
They opted for the pacemaker anyway.

Yes, I agree with this.

My FIL was diagnosed with lymphoma in his late 80s but refused treatment and kept telling the nurses that he wanted to die. Everyone in his family respected his wishes and he died after a few days.

Some people just can't accept that it would be kinder not to treat some elderly people.

I would try to stay healthy...IME of elderly relatives, the ones that tried their best to stay healthy died suddenly or after short illnesses. The ones that were generally unhealthy had several years where they weren't in great health, and tended to die in hospital rather than at home.

@Kendodd

Yes I do wonder why we allow our pets to be free of suffering in old age yet humans have to endure until the very end . There would be outrage if someone let their elderly dog deteriorate to the point of incontinence , not being able to walk , struggle to breathe , loss of appetite etc etc yet humans are expected to suffer all that , for whose benefit is that .

It's my mind going that worries me, my grandma (died at 90) had a bad heart and a bit of arthritis but she still had enjoyment from life and was able to live at home and watch TV and read books etc.