‘good’ ways to die as an elderly person?

[morbideveningthoughts]

Okay so this is a bit of a sensitive / morbid subject and I hope it won’t be too upsetting for anyone. But I’d be curious to hear others’ thoughts as I can’t really have this conversation in real life.

I am single and childfree, this is a life choice and how I intend to stay. But, I do find myself thinking quite a lot about what my future will look like without any younger family around me.

I am turning 40 soon and I suppose I am having a bit of a ‘mid-life moment’ but am really trying my best to be healthy, eating good food and exercising, and thinking about how to sure up my health as best I can.

But then I think… for what? Do I really want to live into my 90s and become frail and lonely and dependent on others who are unrelated to me (or some form of AI, as may be the case by then).
I know it sounds horrible, but I do know a couple of elderly people in their 90s currently, who in a sense are the ‘lucky’ ones who have enjoyed good health generally and lived long lives. But they seem pretty sad and anxious generally, and have little to enjoy or look forward to due to loss of hearing, eyesight, mobility, manual dexterity, memory… everything is just really difficult for them and I know they feel afraid of what the future holds. And these are ladies with family to love and be loved by in return. That most likely won’t be the case for me.

The more I think about it, the more I think I’d prefer to be carried off by a heart attack in my early 80s. Looking after my arteries suddenly feels less important. We all have to go somehow, right?

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Perhaps a smack round the chops and a dose of common sense if I’m talking rubbish.

I know of two who died peacefully in their sleep, both in their 90s, though.

My Health and Welfare P of A has an added paragraph to state very clearly in what circs. I do NOT want any life-saving or life-prolonging treatment. I’ve seen too much ‘striving to keep alive’ of elderly people with dementia - not just the endless tablets to keep them ‘healthy’ - for what?? - but also pneumonia jabs, in and out of hospital for fluid/AB drips, not to mention badgering and pestering people to eat and drink when they no longer want to.
All done with the best of intentions, but…..

I think there's no good way to die. If you get to be old, people have to care for you, if you've not reached that stage, nobody has the chance to say goodbye.

I'm grieving the loss of my mother. Not that old, fit and healthy for her age. Died suddenly and unexpectedly. Heart attack. Whilst she wouldn't have known that much, it's hard. No chance to say goodbye, but no long lasting looking after her in older age.

I guess it depends whether you are looking at is it easier for the person gone, or the people remaining.

Marion had a good death on Motherland!

If I was able to choose it would be in my sleep at around 80. Even if I had good health (which I don’t) I still wouldn’t want to live into my 90s as most people are quite fragile by then.
Most of my Grandparents and Great-Grandparents lived well into their 90s in a mixture of health states, but all felt like they were expecting death any second. Only one of them had what I would consider was a ‘good’ death. An instant heart attack and gone before they hit the floor.

@morbideveningthoughts I’m ahead of you and I am looking at retirement villages, not at 60 but 70/75+. They are not cheap but the good ones have one or two bed apartments but most importantly a hub of some sort. The hubs have things like coffee shop, restaurant, craft rooms, libraries, hairdressers, multipurpose rooms for a whole range of activities e.g. Zumba, keep fit, talks etc. They organise day trips etc. For an extra charge they have cleaners, carers etc. They offer the level of support and companionship you want and need if you don’t have younger family to help.

At 40 the key is savings, investments & pensions as that is what makes the difference when you are retired. It is a balance to enjoy your life now but save for the future.

Keeping fit and well is important. At retirement the world opens up, you can travel, study, learn new skills etc.

Or have a debilitating stroke - hence statins for me.

You can add a paragraph to your Health and Welfare P of A to state in which circs, you do NOT want any life-saving or life-prolonging treatment. Mine says in the case of dementia, or any other condition where I am unable to a) care for myself, and b) speak - with full mental capacity - for myself.

My mother is 92 and only this year getting frail.

Unfortunately you really can't know how your health will pan out. My grandparents all died old - average life span of 92. None of them had dementia, and only one needed personal care for more than a month, so they weren't frail for years.

The one who had the 'best' death ironically had cancer - it was under control for years, until it flared up when he was 93. Two weeks before he died, my grandfather was still cycling (rare for anyone in their 90's); he did end up in hospital, but it gave him the chance to say goodbye, which was definitely better for those around him, and hopefully something he appreciated too. His pain and other symptoms were medicated effectively, so not too unpleasant. Basically a short, quick decline.

My mil just didn't wake up one day, upsetting at the time because it was sudden (she had various underlying health problems but nothing that considered imminently life threatening) however going forward even pretty soon afterwards everyone was saying it was a good death.

Be like my granddad - he lived well till his 80's and took a heart attack laughing at a joke he made at the opticians...he was probably gone before he hit the ground.

My 93 year old aunt has terrible skeletal issues which have seriously affected her mobility- she can barely move around and takes significant amounts of morphine plus other painkillers and other medications every day but still has significant pain.
She is registered blind.
Can do barely anything for herself- eg clean herself after going to the loo, find food on a plate- literally everything is done for her.
Lives in an assisted care facility where she is well looked after but has declined cognitively quite significantly and is unable to do very basic things.
Can't use tv control (can't see tv or follow it), can't use her talking books anymore, can't lift cups , chew food, lift a kettle, make a sandwich.
Spits up phlegm constantly into paper hankies that she leaves everywhere.
Can't hold a reasonable conversation. I find myself just repeating the same things over and over as she asks the same questions eg
Her 'How do you make your bed?'
Me 'Shake the duvet'
Her 'How do you store your bedding'
Me 'Fold it all up and then put the duvet cover, fitted sheet and pillow case inside one pillow case so it is all kept together'.
Her 'How do you make your bed?' etc

Is not rational lots of the time now and can be VERY difficult.

On better days she simply has more energy to tell everyone how miserable her life is.
Is exhausted by pain. Complains constantly about pain, discomfort and hating her life .
Now eating very little.
Has had two falls in 3 days and is today hospitalised and on anti-biotics again.
She has no quality of life at all really.
6th time in hospital in the last year- I think 4th with pneumonia.
I don't know how many times she calls for ambulances and the police- she is well known to 111 and 999.
She is miserable almost continually now. In pain, nothing but nothing suits her, enjoys almost nothing.
Today she has spent the whole day in an ambulance and a corridor in A and E- is now being given intravenous anti-biotics again with the intention of sending her home after 24 hours - back to the same pain and distress.
She has had enough and says so but then asks to go to hospital and be treated because she assumes going to hospital will help her.
There is nothing that can be done for her conditions.We are just told she can not have any more morphine or other pain meds because it would have serious side effects.

I would not let my pets suffer the pain and discomfort she suffers on a daily basis.
I wish she could just fall asleep at night and not wake up and not have to suffer this anymore.

The men in our family tend to have a heart attack and drop dead. The women tend to end up with chronic conditions and end up in pain with restricted lives for years. Yet another situation where there seem to be significant advantages to being a man! I am curious to know how much of it is dependent on the divide between traditional male & female roles and/or on the divide between how men & women use and are treated by medical professionals.

Like many others I say I want to take a pill or refuse treatment if I get very frail and have very poor quality of life. However having seen several relatives hang on with chronic conditions with what seems to be absolutely nothing to live for I think some really strong survival instinct kicks in. They just didn’t want to die and accepted all the treatment available. I do wonder if I will completely change my mind about staying alive at whatever cost if I make it to frail old age.

I'm also child free and I intend to end things at 65 (43 now). Being free to do this is another benefit for me of having no kids.

Absolutely this. I've had a head injury and post concussion syndrome a decade ago, and the post concussion syndrome symptoms were absolutely terrible, quite frightening, and how i imagine the symptoms of dementia must be like.

It really made me realise that if or when I am not so compos mentis, if assisted dying is a more freely available thing, I'll seriously consider it. Either that, or wheel myself off the nearest cliff on a wheelchair...😳🤔

My Grandma most certainly didn’t look after her arteries. She died at 86, having smoked from about 13, and enjoyed the odd (quite a few) pints of lager. She lived at home until the last four days. Slipped away quietly as her heart gave way with me holding her hand. I think it’s how she’d have wanted to go, and I hope I go as peacefully when my time comes.

My PIL at 70 are as fit as fleas.
DH's grandma in her 90s lives independently in a granny annexe - does her housework, goes out for lunch, has a little conservatory full of plants she tends, reads, sews, knits, watches tv, listens to music, dances to it, has a small group of friends she has round. She can't drive and PIL keep an eye on her and wouldn't go away and leave her but she is well and enjoys life.

When my grandmother died in her mid-90s, her husband and her father had both been dead for 50 years, her mother for 30 years, her siblings for 20 and 15 years, all of her cousins for at least 5 years. Most of her friends pre-deceased her and her closest friends had died at least 10 years previously. I know it struck her hard when she started going to the funerals of her friends' children who were themselves in their 60s & 70s as that was yet more connections lost. I also remember being with her when she saw in the local paper that a particular person had died as he was the last person still alive who had been at secondary school with her.
Yes, she had her children and her grandchildren but, was involved in various community things and had plenty of visitors but it was a lot of loss to live with for a long time.

Given your plans, you can be pension free too!

Of course there is a good way to die.

My mum died a year ago. Heart attack in the night at the age of 83. She’d had a charmed life surrounded by people who loved her. I miss her but I can’t be sad about how she went.

My Dad runs marathons in his 70s. I very much hope he drops dead out on a run or bike ride. He visited his older brother in a care home recently and was appalled at the residents sat in bed, mouths open, staring into space, more dead then alive. Fuck that.

He has an LPA and a living will. And has given me clear instructions to push him off Beachy Head when he can’t wipe his own arse.

Yep, my MIL often says to my DH that the Christmas cards list gets smaller each year, as her friends and acquaintances pass away. It must be hard to see loved ones go before you over the years, especially if some aren't really old.

Would prefer to just go to sleep and not wake up. Failing that, the first sign of something awful, I'll be heading to Switzerland.

Did your grandfather take something/do something? Or do you think he just willed himself to die?

Well this whole thing does give me pause about pensions savings but I'm plugging away anyway 😂

Not saying it's right for everyone obviously but feels right for me