‘good’ ways to die as an elderly person?

[morbideveningthoughts]

Okay so this is a bit of a sensitive / morbid subject and I hope it won’t be too upsetting for anyone. But I’d be curious to hear others’ thoughts as I can’t really have this conversation in real life.

I am single and childfree, this is a life choice and how I intend to stay. But, I do find myself thinking quite a lot about what my future will look like without any younger family around me.

I am turning 40 soon and I suppose I am having a bit of a ‘mid-life moment’ but am really trying my best to be healthy, eating good food and exercising, and thinking about how to sure up my health as best I can.

But then I think… for what? Do I really want to live into my 90s and become frail and lonely and dependent on others who are unrelated to me (or some form of AI, as may be the case by then).
I know it sounds horrible, but I do know a couple of elderly people in their 90s currently, who in a sense are the ‘lucky’ ones who have enjoyed good health generally and lived long lives. But they seem pretty sad and anxious generally, and have little to enjoy or look forward to due to loss of hearing, eyesight, mobility, manual dexterity, memory… everything is just really difficult for them and I know they feel afraid of what the future holds. And these are ladies with family to love and be loved by in return. That most likely won’t be the case for me.

The more I think about it, the more I think I’d prefer to be carried off by a heart attack in my early 80s. Looking after my arteries suddenly feels less important. We all have to go somehow, right?

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Perhaps a smack round the chops and a dose of common sense if I’m talking rubbish.

My maternal grandmother died one evening whilst watching her favourite opera on the TV. Her heart just stopped. She was only late 60s. My paternal grandmother by contrast died aged 97 but spent her last 5 years in a home with increasing levels of dementia and failing mobility. She had been fairly independent up to that point, living in her own home and regularly getting taxis into the local town. She was 'going' for at least 3 days before dying. I know which death I would prefer.
I'm hoping that I take after my father who, at 80 still has all his faculties, walks upright and with purpose, does more in a day than many much younger men and is rarely ill. He is very lucky to be able to afford regular complementary therapies such as chiropractor, deep tissue massage, acupuncture etc.

If someone’s still enjoying life, that’s one thing. But in my DM’s care home I’ve sometimes seen those who most certainly weren’t, inc. one old lady of late 80s, who was often crying and very distressed because either her mother wouldn’t know where she was, or she needed to get home ‘for the baby’.

The staff were very kind and did their best to comfort or distract her, but it never worked for more than a minute or two. It was heartbreaking to witness.
IMO it’s actual cruelty to try to prolong the life of any such person.

This is a very important question to me too! 😻

My grandad was on. a world cruise. He went for a walk to the beach at a stop off. Sat on a bench to look at the sea. A policeman found him dead.

Cardiac arrest is the way to go. Lights out, good night.

I've no interest in a slow painful death. Once I start to see myself going down that road I think I'll be checking out on my terms.

I hope this stage didn’t last long and the old lady soon forgot to worry about her mum and “the baby”.

I’ve always thought that dying whilst under anaesthesia must be the way to go to the extent I never worry about surgery.

I knew a man who almost died under anaesthesia. When he came round from his surgery and found out what had happened, he felt panicked.

And then he realised that if he’d died that way, he would never have known a thing about it. So there was actually nothing to worry about.

How lucky!

I will admit to sometimes envying my sister in law, whose DF died instantly of a heart attack, her mother ditto of a massive stroke while eating her breakfast.

Neither had really been ill, both late 80s.

Whereas my DF died of cancer in his early 70s, my DM at 97 after around 15 years of dementia. Admittedly she was unusual - she had the general constitution of a rhinoceros, recovering quickly from things that very soon put an end to others similar. IMO after 8 years there even the care home staff had started to think she’d go on for ever!

My great aunt died in what I thought was a really peaceful way. She was in her chair. Empty bag of crisps next to her and a half drunk cup of tea. Tv still on and she just drifted to sleep and never woke. I’d like to go in the same way

I know of an elderly chap who died, having eaten his favourite lunch with his wife while watching cricket. Just faded out. Seems pretty perfect

I knew of an old man who slipped away quietly in his chair while his wife made another cup of tea. Sounds idyllic for him other than his aspiration was to conk out on a notorious road junction and gridlock the town for hours.
It was probably for the greater good though

My gene potential is favourable, so my plan is to live as healthily and actively as I can for as long as I can. Not in an ascetic way, because life is either long or short and I may as well enjoy it rather than missing out or enduring stoically. I'm not aiming to be a museum piece.
Something abrupt like a short illness after a long, engaged life, with a little bit of old age decline to soften the blow for loved ones. But not years of total dependency, constant health crises, not knowing who I or my loved ones are.

MiL had 87 great years, a couple of years of decline but still enjoyed life. Then her chronic condition took over by 90. A lengthy hospital stay triggered bedsores that never healed and her final year from that point was grim and painful with the added ongoing Covid restrictions affecting carehomes and hospitals. She'd have happily have gone at any point in that final year. It was a relief that her children all agreed on limiting healthcare to pain relief and comfort only and withdrawing invasive or life prolonging medical care, and she died a couple of months after that.

It's cruel to prolong existence for the sake of it. I don't want to be kept going after I've disengaged with life, and when my body's ability to heal has passed.

A heart attack in 50s was far too soon, but at least not cruel. The stroke at 84, slipping away about a week later was quite good; he'd lived actively until that moment and did not want dependency. It was likely that he chose to shut down and not fight to rally. Within 24 hours of being admitted to hospital for a fall at 90 wasn't too bad.
I'm not afraid of being dead. It's the build up to dying that tends to be the problem.

Society needs to be better at treating the late stages of geriatric care as palliative care.

MIL is early 70s, in a Home, has been basically bed bound since I’ve known her (15 years). Surely one of the worst options.

Not really bothered about the how & the why, so long as I die just one minute before DH does. I never want to live in a world that doesn't have him in it.

I’m the same age as you and I have no idea if I’ll be enjoying life in 22 years’ time!

I try to strike a balance between saving for the future and enjoying life now. I strongly suggest you keep your options open as there are so many variables.

I'm 54 and I can't imagine wanting to die at 65.
From what I have seen of my DPs they led interesting and fulfilled lives until they got to around 80, then started to get plagued by health worries.
Therefore I'm thinking any time after 80, but definitely don't want to live in chronic pain or confusion.

There are but as above I'm very over existing anyway. Cannot wait for all this to be over.

I've always found things terrifying. The only things that aren't scary are boring. Gies peace

Would you like to know when you are going to die? I don't mean the exact date but roughly?

I think I'd live my life differently if I knew I only had a few years left.

I'd certainly make different pension contributions

I think I'd probably die naturally c. 84 but probably after a good few years of dementia which I don't fancy at all. Hell mend the "nobility in suffering" crew.

Why on earth do you think you will 'probably' have dementia? Yes, some people do have it but most don't. Neither of my parents did nor my in-laws. It's rather gloomy to predict thhorrible things for yourself, dementia seems to have taken over from cancer-phobia which older people all seemed to have when I was growing up, they were even afraid to say the word.

Just to reassure, if your thoughts are changing, cancers are slower growing in the elderly and many die without even knowing they had it; it shows up on post mortem, so don't start worrying about that. My mother in law survived two in old age with minimal treatment.

Do your best to keep yourself as healthy as you can for as long as you can. Eat healthily, take a little gentle exercise and enjoy your life.

I'm pretty sure i might be at risk for dementia as I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome a decade ago before being injured by an off label antipsychotic.

I know it is most likely perimenopause symptoms but I do get really scary things like when my mind goes absolutely blank and slow, to the point where I don't feel I remember literally anything I've ever known (!), alongside the feeling of my thoughts wading through treacle. It's not that often but when it happens, I get terrible anxiety about how it might be a precursor to future dementia 😞😩

Family history, herpes, statistical probability more generally among the elderly.

I think the OP is asking the wrong question tbh.

All the stuff she is describing (poor mobility, memory issues etc etc), all of that can happen to you tomorrow. That’s called becoming chronically ill/disabled.
20~25% of the population is disabled so it’s nowhere an unusual thing to happen!

So if there is anything to think about imo it’s how would you cope if you suddenly get ill/disabled in the next 5 years? With little support - like no partner who can work.

Having lost a lot of becoming chronically ill, I know I’d start with a very good critical illness cover.
And I’d ensure I have a very good pension too. One I could access in my 50s if I was ill and retired on ill health account.

The rest? Let’s be honest, yes you can rely on family. But if I could change things, I’d ensure that Idont need to and pay for the help I need. Then any support from family is a bonus. And it’s not obligatory which I think makes things so much easier for everyone.

I believe that’s true as you get older too. Same problems just a different cause iyswim.