Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

In the nicest possible way, he won't change so it's either leave or put up with it. I imagine he was like this from the first kid?

Can you start by focusing on your career and say he has to deal with the business himself.

What would life look like financially if you did split? You'd most likely have the kids 100% of the time.

I'd tell him that you want a divorce, your marriage is pointless. That or you want a man on the side.

work is his mistress, (unless of course, it is the other more easily dealt with kind)

either way this is his detachment, his form of removal, abnegation of fatherhood, adult relationship, and future faking

A miracle he was even around to conceive the dc.... Are you certain he isn't a bigamist op?
Isn't beyond the realms of possibility he has another life /family....

OP, the ‘happy to spend it’ remarks are put downs and insulting, did you realise?
designed to shut you up and be GRATEFUL

He's telling you with every single action that he doesn't see you as a priority. The fact that you describe it as him 'visiting' you and the children says a whole lot.

Sounds miserable. Very Cats in the Cradle.

Do your children really love him or do you ardently want to believe that they do? They don't see him, haven't built any sort of relationship with him and nothing has changed, has it?

I totally understand why you're angry. Some men shouldn't be fathers. At least he is providing for them. He can still do that when he leaves the family home after a divorce. You sound so miserable. Please don't keep him around 'for the children', they deserve a happy and non-stressed mother.

The children won't lose out if he is no longer at home. Frankly, they have nothing to lose.

‘he’s doing it for us’

tbf he probably is doing it for the family, he will be working so hard to provide and make sure you and the children are comfortable. A discussion is definitely needed with him because if he doesn’t start committing to plans with the kids or being around more there will be no ‘us’ because you’re unhappy. Does he know this? Is the financial load his responsibility or is it shared between you both?

They like to continue the family name and spread their genes.

You are basically a single parent. Would you like to actually have a relationship with someone or will you tolerate him until the kids are grown?

I think you need to work more and build your own career.

Latest thing sounds like the straw that has broken the back.

Does he know that how serious it is past the blinkers or work? That you are considering leaving?

if you were on your own you could make your own decisions and I suspect he wouldn’t see the kids often and let them down often.

personally I need a partner who is part of my life now and not someone who will’join’ me when they retire. I don’t want a bank I’m married to

That immediately jumped to my mind too!

Second secret life aside-

He's a fully fledged workaholic. He will present all the same behaviours as any other addict. He will lie, gaslight, hide his plans, act secretively and selfishly to continue gaining his "fix" the same as any other addict.

You are an inconvenience to his life, really. He doesn't want to lead a normal healthy balanced family life. He wants to throw himself into his addiction and he'll get mad at you if you stand in his way.

He's not a fully rounded, well developed person. He's selfish and self-obsessed.

Like any addict, he'll act Like you should be eternally grateful for those few moments you get with them when they're themselves. Before they go back under.

He was happy to have a family because it has no impact on him. Why do you say he's kind? Is he kind to you? He treats you as a nanny, house-keeper, business support and moans when you spend any money.

Ditch supporting the business, go back to work full-time and progress your own career. Part of the benefit of earning well is that it should afford you a better life and more freedom but this isn't happening. Surely childcare should be prioritised.

Visiting? Wtf!?

Are you sure he doesn't have another family somewhere?

Has he always been like this? Why did you have children with someone like that?

Patriarchy.

he’s entrenched in the idea that man provides, home and kids are women’s work.

do you have a good life on his money and career? What if he cut back or got a less intense job, should it affect your lifestyle significantly? Would you be happy with that?

if you left could you earn enough (plus cm) to survive?

Workaholism is the same as any other addiction. You can't change him so you can resign yourself to rarely seeing him or opt out of the relationship.

He's not your manager and you don't have to work in his business. Focus on your own career.

Are you not divorcing the pointless man?
You are both teaching your kids that it's normal for men to abandon their kids, that women are for serving men, they'll be desperate for the absent man's approval, which is hugely damaging.

Roughly how much does he earn for this amount of work? If he is working at this level but earning a massive salary and funding a high end lifestyle that’s an important factor to consider. If he’s working at this level for a normal income that’s a completely different situation.

Firstly, you are obviously not like a single parent. It’s offensive to single parents when people suggest this.
You and the kids however are not a priority. Nor is he doing it for you. He’s doing it for himself because that’s how he wants to live his life. If it was for you and the kids it would be a discussion and how to make things work as a family.

Give him the option to change his priorities if you want. But understand there’s a very good chance he won’t pick you and the kids. Only you know if you can live like this.
(The kids might see him more if you’re divorced).

Have you asked him this, have you said 'there is no point in working hard you miss your kids growing up and your relationship fails because you don't spend any time together. Work is important, but there are other jobs and you will never get another chance to spend this time with me and the kids' - what does he say?
I'm assuming he's a high earner too?

Because he is following the patterns followed by couples for hundreds of years! It may not make it right, but he wants a family where he is the provider and the mother is the carer. What was his parents' relationship like? It may simply be learned behaviour.

And don't underestimate how hard he works, OP. You get value from that. You chose to have children with him, so what did you expect? One of the (several) reasons why I didn't have kids was because I knew my husband's career would (rightly) always come first, and I didn't fancy being a "single" parent.

This Isn't uncommon in my area, lots of high earners DHs who aren't hands-on and are essentially workaholics. Often there is an OW, but not always. Most of them just get on with it, there is plenty of paid help for the practical side and I'd say they quite like having full control over the decision-making. If you want to stay, I would make the most of the financial rewards of his work and outsource as much childcare/domestic work as you can. If he's not earning enough for that or is unwilling to pay, that's the worst of both worlds.

To answer a few questions:

He has not always been this bad or I wouldn’t have married him. He had gotten progressively worse whilst promising things will be easier.

The children idolise him. When he does swoop back into life, he is the original Disney dad and their best pal. No rules and sugar for all. They think the sun shines out of him. Whilst I am the present, exhausted, cross one who actually parents them.

Yes he is a high earner. It is his own business. It is extremely hard work and stressful and will undoubtedly have a detrimental effect on his health but he will listen to no one.

I don’t see the point in getting divorced. I will never EVER enter into another relationship, and at least this way my kids won’t get a stepmother.

It’s just shit.

Yes I have. In detail. He says he knows I’m right and that things will change ‘next week when this project is done.’

Then proceeds to continue as he was.

He definitely doesn’t have another family. He doesn’t have time for his first one!