Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

You are a single mum anyway, and does he have time to get another partner? Leave him OP, see a solicitor and find out all your options. Maybe just fucking off will shock him into some reasoning and a different perspective. Things won't change for you or the kids, will it, except you and their dad will be living in different places. You need to have it out with him, like, a proper fucking row. Can someone look after the kids whilst you talk about this?

Hmmm. I have seen this type of thing in various family members, and my ex husband.

Could he be neurodiverse (sorry if that's completely wrong, just thought it could be a possible explanation)? My ex and the family members I'm thinking of are.

In the end, I had to leave. It just felt like gaslighting and disrespect.

It's a box ticking exercise, men are thought of in a certain way if they have a loving family, including children behind them. They appear stable, good bet for an employee. Social status basically.

When the children succeed he will likely tell others and be happy to take the credit for being such a hard working provider and dad.

He will likely join in when he can have adult conversations with them and they are largely independent. And take as much of the credit as he can.

OP has a job and also chooses to take on extra work from the deadbeats job.

You shouldn't stay just because you don't want another relationship. You don't right now, but 5/10 years down the road you might. Your resentment and anger will eventually come out and your children will feel it. I wouldn't worry about a stepmother - as soon as she sees what is expected of her she won't stick around. I would sit him down and tell him not to speak - that you are very close to leaving and that you can't continue like this. That providing money is one of many facets of being a husband and father. He is addicted and working an unhealthy amount, whilst neglecting every other part of family life. Say it is time for your career and therefore he needs to do some childcare, clubs etc. Make it clear you would accept a lower quality of life in order to have him in your life. I would also make yourself unavailable. You don't have an equal relationship. He is doing what he wants and not considering for a second what you want. If your child was in this situation, would you tell them to stay - that life couldn't be any better than this? I don't think so. Lead by example.

You don't "visit" your kids either. WTF?

I think my question would be why are you allowing it? Do you need him in your life in this part time way? Or would you be better alone. I think I would consider how I want my life to be in your position.

I'd leave him to it , enjoy the fruits of his labour and live my own life. If he turns up that's fantastic but if not then oh well . Mentally I'd be checking out and enjoying myself instead of being stressed over him not being there.

There are men who want wives and children and men who want to be husbands fathers.
Two hugely different things and they typically will give you indicators as to which they are. Sorry that your husband us like this but you are not alone in dealing with this.

There is nothing you can do except to stop expecting things to change. He won't change, you don't want to divorce so all you can really do is adjust your expectations.

If you left him and he did find the time to meet another woman, would he actually bother trying to seeing the children? Do you think he would do it just to reduce maintenance?

It doesn't matter how good a dad you are when you are there, if you are never there, and you have a choice to be there but aren't, you are a shit dad. His kids won't remember how much money he made. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You just have to hope that the kids don't end up resenting you too, even if they seem okay now, you are in a shit position and unfortunately that often doesn't travel well throughout a child's life and they may look to you for answers someday (which is so bloody unfair)

Is it possible he has a second family?

I also do not think he is a “kind” person.

Nobody “kind” treats their spouse and kids like an afterthought.

Show him your post.

Nobody works this much surely? Are you certain he doesn’t have somebody else or another family?

I think this is great advice

Don't beg for scraps. Get on with your own life. Enjoy the money

He doesn't sound very kind to me.

Yes this is what I would do. He wants to be a cashpoint and nothing else? Let him carry on. Enjoy your single life with the kids and the cushion of money.Take the kids out, take them on holiday, if he's around, he's around. Don't expect anything from him. Then when the kids have left home, leave. Let him moan about how hard he worked to provide for you snd now he's retired there's no one who wants to see him.

If you don’t want another relationship… just buy the help. Tell him when he’s around you want to be spoiled too. Make it fun. Have a nanny or babysitter so you can see friends, go to the gym etc.

Or divorce and be single if you don’t want him around. Either way is fine.

When my dh is being a bit workaholic I remind him that he doesn’t make enough money to work that much.

You can be single with the benefits of a high earning husband or single without them. As you don’t want another relationship, I would stay put.

Adjust your expectations and build your own life so you aren’t “waiting” for him. Buy in any childcare or household help you need to do this.

This is what I would do, completely emotionally detach, book your own holidays with the kids, not involve him at all, increase your hours, live your own life, in fact if you do this it might be a wake up call when he gets home and realises you have gone away for the weekend to Centre Parks with the kids and not even invited him, at the moment you are desperate for him to take part in family life if you become totally indifferent it may give him pause to reevaluate.

I agree with @Pallisers Do you have full access to to finances - both in term sof visibility and also in terms of being able to spend/make decisions? Because if so, I'd simply do whatever it takes to remove the burden and difficult parts of your life. I'm a bit concerned that you're ALSO working in the bueinsss AND doing your own job AND doing all the childcare, so it might be that the first thing you do is drop one, or both, of these jobs. Then outsource cleaning and other drudgery so you can enjoy your time with your children and NOT be the nagging one.

Then get on with your life with the DC. plan fun days out or weekends away. Attend the events and the sports activities and the fairs and enjoy them. HIre a babysitter so you can go out in the evening to meet friends or go to a gallery or hit the gym or whatever it is you want to do.

ETA If you do stop working or reduce working, I'd work less at HIS business first. But either way, ONLY do that if you're able to ensure financial stability - so if you have access to funds, if you're confident there are assets etc so that if things do go pearshaped, you're protected.

I'm sorry, but from your post he sounds awful. You describe him as scheduling a "visit" to see his own kids. I mean...wtf? You don't visit your own children. And then to prioritise a work meeting at that time...absolutely appalling. You know what to do.

I think you just have to learn to live with it.

You aren’t going anywhere and he has no intention of changing so 🤷🏾‍♀️