Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

And have a financial plan in case he does die suddenly at a youngish age.

If you are sure you don't want a divorce then I would start using that money to make life easier for myself. Cleaner, ubers, takeouts and groceries delivered. Anything which removes stress from your life and is within budget. With holidays, go on a great holiday without him and then book one with him (but something you are happy to do without him). Basically do things that help you and thus lessen your resentment towards him as it's no way to live.

I have not read the whole thread, just the OP's posts. I came on to suggest that he may not actually have been all that fussed about having a family, although I see that others have already made that suggestion in recent posts. It would be one answer to the question posed in the thread title. It doesn't make the position any less unpleasant and unfair on the children, of course. Unpleasant for OP, too, and unfair if OP entered into the marriage on the clear understanding they would have children.

I suggest you gift him a little book called Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons. It has a chapter for workaholic men which spells out what happens when they overdo it.

@Alonebutmarried im another one to recommend stopping all the reminders, asking if he’ll be there on X weekend etc….

Id organise my life wo him. See friends, have hobbies, get a cleaner if it’s easier etc….
And let him fail.

Two things can happen

• he’ll fuck up, miss a holiday and/or wonder what’s going on when you dint ask him for any support (my own dh realisation came when I bought my own car on my own, wo his input 🙄🙄). He’ll realise you’re quite independent and he has his own responsibilities to take. That might be an eye opening moment for him that will entice him to change. A bit. At least you won’t be carrying that mental load for him!
• He’ll fuck up but will find excuses and you’ll know exactly where you stand.

There is the possibility that if you tell him you’re not going to remind him again and again about the hols, he’ll suddenly find himself able to do it. I doubt it. For these men/business owners, nothing is more important than their business (my dad was like that…..). But I think I’d find that worse tbh.

I've just remembered a man I worked for thirty years ago. Director of a thriving advertising agency, he lived in the home counties but spent many evenings wining and dining business contacts and staying overnight in London.
Huge fun, an amazing raconteur and genuinely interested in people.
He arrived home to find a note from the wife explaining that she'd taken the children to her mother's and was leaving him.
He raided Harrods, bought toys for the kids, perfume, chocolate and flowers for the wife and zoomed off to the MIL's.
Promising to change his ways, the charm offensive failed when she pointed out that the note had been written a week earlier - he just hadn't been home to see it.

Honestly, the working away all the time reeks of having another family or another woman.

I know you say he definitely doesn’t… and he’s definitely working all that time… but, well maybe I’m cynical.

The working late and working away isn’t the biggest red flag for me - it’s the no more than 5 days holiday and then working on the day you depart. Out of interest, what’s the longest stint he’s been away for? Does he always pick up the phone when you call?

I wondered about debts too. Everyone is assuming he is providing the life of luxury but reality may be far from that underneath the surface.

I was married to a man who wasn't interested or involved with the dcs, apart from when it suited him. Not the same position as you, but I did effectively single parent for 99% of the time.

I also didn't want to get divorced.

Eventually, when the dcs got to mid/late teens, I realised that it was safe to leave. He'd caused enough damage to the dcs (the people pleasing post above is absolutely spot on) and I left him.

Three were other factors in play, but in your shoes, I would give up trying to keep him involved, and play the long game. Get yourself financially secure. Raise your dcs how you want to. Recognise that you can absolutely divorce when the dcs are older.

This

My dad worked like this when I was a child.
Always leaving late, never available etc…
Also never quite saying that actually they do have money in the bank so my mum was stills scrimping when it wasnt needed. (Something she still ressents now).
But fur my dad, his business/work was HIS live affair. The centre of his universe. And he had a fear of lacking money.

So yay, it wasn’t debts fuelling his behaviour

I am female and yes I am clear about it and my partner doesn't want kids either.

However, I have male friends who were very much badgered into it and/or did it to please their wife without thinking the implications through and regret it now. So I think it's important to find out.

I agree with the PPs who say you can't change him, so if you don't want to leave, you have to change yourself.

If you want to build a career, what do you need? Nanny, wraparound care, cleaner, stopping working for him for free. What professional development would you like to do and how can you achieve that?

Stop with all the reminders. He can manage to run a successful business so must be capable of remembering all his appointments etc. for that. If he can't remember family things, it's because he doesn't want to. Set up a shared calendar so he can see the appointments if he wants to, then leave it up to him.

Plan fun holidays on the basis that he won't be coming. Tell him you're thinking of a fortnight in Costa Rica and if he can only manage five days, he's welcome to join you for that. (But leave it up to him to book his own flights.)

Just keep thinking, what, other that his engagement - take it as read that that's not happening, would make your life better? Then work towards that.

I think the whole “did he really want kids or was he badgered into it” is a red herring.

IMO there are many men who genuinely do want kids - as long as they don’t have to do much of the work involved or compromise their career or hobbies. This is often what they saw modelled by their own parents.

So when they say “of course I want kids” they are are telling the truth but they mean “I want kids, who will be mainly raised by my wife and I will see when my work/hobby allows”.

Suspect OP’s DH is one of these. I bet his dad wasn’t involved much, so he sees nothing wrong with his own version of fatherhood.

Indeed. "I want to do the dad role" often means something completely different to "I want to do the mum role".

They want kids so long as they can do what they think is the dad role.

And they get away with it. It would be nice if there were no "mum roles" or "dad roles" in families by now, but only parent roles, but the reality is that if both parents did the "dad role" in many families, social services would end up involved.

He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

Well I got this far into the OP. Apart from the obvious, that he's one of these men who considers the children to be his wife's hobby, he's a control freak.

The other reason, aside from their wife wanting DC, for them having DC they've no intention of parenting is because it fills up all your time and energy. Leaving you with none for other things eg the possibility of going out and by chance meeting someone you prefer better than him, making or maintaining a support network of friendships with other women where you slowly realise their lives aren't like yours and you're being controlled and that there's a way out of this, or the possibility of you having an affair whilst he's away all the time.

The job is a further manifestation of this. No real career of your own means it's a lot harder for you to leave him.

It's all a way of ensuring that - When he wants sex, there you are, available. When he comes home, it's clean, repairs are done and the fridge is stocked. When he fancies playing happy families he has a ready made one just waiting for him. When he wants companionship he hasn't had to put any efforts into forming or maintaining friendships, he's got you, a toy who he can pick up and put down on a whim. When he wants staff for his business, oh look, there you are again, be pointless employing and paying anyone when he has a wife-bot wouldn't it.

Your children don’t idolise him. They are on their best behaviour for him - as with any Disney dad - because they feel abandoned and worry he will remove the little contact they have left. It will be affecting their self esteem. It’s not normal for kids to always be nice to their parents. you will get all the crappy behaviour because you are their safe space who they trust won’t leave.

Oof. That landed. Glad you took note of this, OP.

I have to say this and I don’t mean this to come across the wrong way but you are not a single mother. I’m assuming you live in a house paid for by both/him and are financially supported as are your children? My next point is, he won’t change, I’d give him an ultimatum so that he’s given that chance, then leave.

This was my first thought. It doesn’t make sense any other way. Who on earth wouldn’t want to be around at least for birthdays of their children?!

He either doesn’t give a shite about his children, or yes, is juggling another family. It’s awful either way. Get rid. You’re doing it yourself anyway and you work, so what do you actually need him for?

I feel like this is one of the most sensible and emotionally intelligent responses I have ever seen on MN!

This sounds really difficult.
Is it possible that he could get someone in to do some of his work, but that he's scared of losing control? What were his parents like? If they put pressure on him to work hard then some people think that's how they get validation and satisfaction in life. I also wonder if he's avoiding something... that he actually doesn't know how to connect deep down with his kids.

Don't be a martyr. It helps no one.

I'd get my own bank account if you havnt already and put as much money into it as possible. Then when he"visits" I'd go out, say I need a break on my own and I'm going out. Even if you only went to cinema or for a coffee just see how he likes it if you are not there for him. Once you have a nice nest egg decide if your putting up with it or moving on and being free to enjoy your life with no part time husband.

This sounds like my partners boss who has the ow in a flat above his work and his wife waiting at home for him. He is chronically ‘busy’ but in fact everyone round him constantly covers for him. His wife is lovely but just so naive. I’d do more digging and turn up out of the blue if I were you.

It’s been so well up thread. I think you need to carve out your own time, interests, work, friends and holidays.. Worry and resentment won’t magically disappear, but they may become a tad less all encompassing. That’s assuming he is prepared to facilitate financially. Might be worth holding back a bit on the painful and seemingly unfruitful discussions and start to drip feed the idea of things that will help you. I think he will only change if/when it makes sense to him.

As an aside, I remember a friend’s career driven dad reaching out to them when he was starting to take a back seat in his career and they simply didn’t want to know. Too little - too late.

If you can start to career progress then it makes sense to have some financial independence and hopefully some satisfaction that you are doing something for yourself in that direction. It’s very hard being all things to all people all the time which it sounds like you are. Good luck!