Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

The thing is that even if you got him to come home more, he'd more than likely resent you for it and make it hellish. Best to keep him as far away as possible and live your own life. One thing though would be to concentrate on your own career and give up working in the business or make sure you are a part owner if you are going to work in it.

If it were me cost of living would suddenly put my weekly shop up a few hundred pounds and the spare mattress would be looking a bit lumpy.

In the nicest way possible, you also agreed to have kids in this situation. Time to decide if you can put up with this for any longer.

Thanks, reading skills poor today cos I missed that

Divorcing him would impoverish your children. I agree with others - stick it out, make your life enjoyable in every way possible, and leave him to crack on. If he is earning money for the benefit of the family as he says, then use it.

I just want to say as well that my Dad worked overtime all through my childhood, he was never home before we went to bed. When I got married it didn’t seem right for him to walk me down the aisle, even though they’re still married I asked my mum to instead, she was the one who was always there for me.

Personally to me, you and the kids sound like one of those "tick box" items on an achievement list. Achieved and then not bothered about. "Get married, check", "Buy house, check", "Have kids and dog, check", "Become multimillionaire, in progress". Essentially, he wanted a family because that's seen as one of the hallmarks of succeeding, but now you're here, he's not particularly interested in you all.

Exactly this!

If you don't want to leave accept it. Don't ask anything of him, don’t wait in for him. Live your life with your children, book trips, days out without him. Do things to make your life easier, food shop delivered, cleaner etc . Focus on your family life, work and enjoying your down time. Don't message him and don't jump when he messages you. Don't slate him to kids but don't cover for him either. Long term they will see what he is.

I think things are working fine for him. The more interesting question is why you chose him to have a family with?

I think you having no interest in another relationship is your answer. Just try and enjoy the life you have with your children, without the stress and financial hit of a divorce.
And I'd take full advantage of his income to have a healthy savings pot.

The only issue is that longer term, when he does scale back or retire, it might not be a welcome change having him around so much. At that point, and with grown children, the savings pot could come in handy.

For several of them [ high earning men ] I noticed that they really feared retirement because they had no life outside of work

Which is why they don't retire completely, especially if it's their own company. I know somebody who is working, just as hard, well into his seventies. And a lot of men in this situation are board members or chairman in other organisations, my father in law being one.

I initially read this thinking that I would love this life! Decent amount of money, but don't have to work all hours, time with the kids, presumably don't have to have sex much. Sounded like bliss. In my marriage I am the working one and responsible for paying for everything, work insane hours, am away frequently, and have much less time than I would like for my child.

But then I thought about the lack of identity and purpose, and agency, if I lived a life like the OP, as some kind of second fiddle waiting to see if the H is coming or going, and dancing to his tune (even when he is not around to play it). No. I would say divorce for your own self-worth, even if you have to take a cut in living standards. He's not going to care either way, is he? He can still be Disney Dad.

I would divorce him. I would not want to waste my one life like this.
I've divorced three husbands because they simply were not worth my life. I regret nothing. I am happy.

I suppose if he's nice enough, is a high earner and you don't want another relationship, then you might as well stick it out. Just make your own life completely, use any money to make it as simple as possible and get on with things. If you were divorced, things could be even harder.

My dad was like this. My mum resented him for years, she couldn't work as she couldn't even attend interviews. Eventually, when we were all settled in school she started to build a huge social life and strong group of friends. She took up a couple of sports, got really involved in those and met people. When we got to late secondary and eventually left home, she started going on girls trips reguarly, dinners, choir and has recently taken up golf. Her week is totally full. They are well past retirement age but my dad is still working exactly the same amount of hours, while my mum has this amazing and very full social life. She goes in cruises with friends and month long holidays. She has squirreled away a nice nest egg for them both and uses that. My dad could retire but he will not. OP I think you have the option to either leave, or start to make a life for yourself that will make you fulfilled and accept the status quo. You may have to think long term, start building your social circle and make sure you are saving some money to fund yourself to have a life.

Yeah this is probably the best answer.

Stop wanting him to be an active parent and just start treating him like a housemate that annoys you. Ignore him, don’t do any labour for him. Enjoy your children.

You could stop working in his business but only if you are completely financially protected and have full access to all personal and business finances, but even then I’m not sure it’s a wise move, you need to know what’s going on, keep your hand in as it’s your marital asset as well, don’t give him all the power with regards to this, I would rather outsource the drudge, then if you do decide to divorce further down the line being involved in the business can only be a benefit to you.

I actually think I might agree with the PP who said stay for now and ensure the children have a good start in life with his money, then leave when they are gone. This does depend on how old you would be at that point, though. You need to be young enough to start a new life.

Yep I know a few of these too! Still "working" well into their 70s and 80s! They aren't actually doing anything really but just escape to the office to avoid their wives and homes as they have no purpose there after decades of being chained to their desk....

I thought this as first, but others on here are saying that she might as well stay and make use of the money he brings in. I think this is quite a good idea. With their situation it's as though they are divorced anyway, so she might as well enjoy the financial trappings and avoid all the stress of divorce, and just ensure that she and the kids have a nice life.

OP, why don't you plan a longer holiday for you, the kids and perhaps a friend and her kids?

He's headed for a breakdown/heart attack, but there's nothing op can do about that

I could have written that post because my husband is exactly the same. When the kids were younger he was never around. It was just work work work. I did absolutely everything for them. I didn't divorce because that's not acceptable in my culture. I just turned it around in my head. His loss was my gain. I tried to enjoy parenting my kids as much as possible. If he showed up for dinner or a movie or something then that was fine (a bonus!), if not who cares? We did it anyway. We went on vacations alone (he was never around) we had movie nights and dance parties. As the kids got older I think he noticed that he was missing out on a lot of their childhood. Now that they're older teenagers he's home a bit more than before but the damage is done. They see him as a fun loving and good times kind of person but I'm the one they come to for anything major or even minor. I don't mind. I see it like I got the best of both worlds. I live my life and parent them my way. He has to toe the line and "put up or shut up".

Its possible he has time. Where is he living when he’s away from home for most of the year?There’s nothing to say he isn’t with another woman while he’s telling you he is up to his eyeballs in work.

In this day and age surely he can work from
home occasionally.

The kids might think Disney dad is great now but when they grow up they will see that it was mum who was truly there for them. It was you who was there for birthdays, school days and they will resent him for never being there.

An old-fashioned relationship where the father is the main earner and the mother is the main carer is fine, but both of you need to be on-board for that, and it still doesn't mean that the earner should hardly see his family or be involved in daily life. There has to be balance. This isn't a case of someone being on a once-in-a-blue-moon Big Project that requires temporary sacrifice for a big payoff: This is his way of life!

I'd really resent this, too, OP, and it's not fair to the kids. Leaving him won't make him step up and be a more present father (unless it's just the wakeup call he needs), but it might be better to get out of the loop of hope and disappointment. I'd suggest serious discussion, but if his response is barbed comments about spending the money he earns, maybe that's pointless. I'd take a good hard look at what your life would be like without him.

I agree with others. Make the best life for yourself and accept he just slots in on occasion. You say you don’t want to divorce and you don’t want anyone else.

Therefore buy in additional help, organise holidays you want, do things you want to do and enjoy your children.

You won’t change him, but you can change your attitude to him. Let him be a workaholic and miss out on all the important occasions but you enjoy them.

People on their deathbed don’t necessarily think I’m glad I was obsessed with work and I’m glad I missed out on all the family occasions and my children growing up. It’s him that is making this life for himself and refusing to accept compromise and delegating some work to others capable within the business.

If he’s earning loads of money and already accusing you of ‘being happy to spend it’, then you might as well go for it: out source whatever help you need to take the burden off of you, go on holidays and do fun things with the kids, treat yourself to nice things etc.

If he’s not going to be present and you don’t want to divorce him, then you might as well make the most of it.