Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

I agree, you start living your life as though he weren't in it. He can pop into your holiday, but book 2 weeks instead of 5 days. Maybe your family can come too, so you barely notice he's there or not. Get the help into the house. Book a weekly babysitter so you can go and do something for yourself. Try and get rid of that resentment any way you can. He's clearly not going to change, you don't want to leave, so make it work for you.

This ^ & it looks good to other people doing it with family's + no doubt there's been occasions where he's got out of stuff because he has a wife & kids even if you don't know/benefit from it

I would think twice before leaving him though especially if the kids are young - he'll move on you'll still have all the Same responsibilitys with 0 of the benefits & security

Maybe look into formally separating though. Building your own life etc being honest with the kids

Sometimes with men like this they discount what you are saying until you leave - its like they tune out most of what you say when it is not important to them. Hence all the middle aged men bewildered that their marriages are over, where you can tell them within 5 minutes why their wives left.

I actually think your situation is harder than OP's. I've had a DH who worked away half the week for a few years when the DC were small. I just got on with things, made 'family decisions' on my own if need be, and arranged outside help with DIY if it couldn't wait til he got home. It wasn't hard.

I think I could deal with a DH who was uninvolved and physically gone but a DH who was physically present and ignored us (especially the children) would be more than I could handle. I think the fact that you can carry on is admirable.

I'm sorry to be that person but has he always been like this? If so why did you have children with him at all, let alone more than one?

But there is no need to work that hard, there is just no need to work 12+ hour days. My husband and I are both high earners. I work 4 days so I'm sitting here today with my toddler, and my husband works 5 but is home by 6pm latest, and he works from home 2 days a week so on those days comes out his office by 5.30pm. We share drop-offs and pickups and work flexibily so kids only in after school care twice a week. We never work weekends and enjoy several holidays a year. Working ridiculous hours suggests poor time management skills, or the need to feel indispensable.

i agree
but as it stands…. if anyone is going to be full of regrets, it will be the op

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He is not going to change unless something goes wrong with his career or health. You decided you are not going to divorce. You need to start working on acceptance and stop complaining to him.

Ah my apologies, I misunderstood your previous post and thought you were saying the OP should be grateful for her hard-working husband! My bad.

This may help in start working on acceptance. some meditations from mindful movement as he is not going to change and you don’t want to separate

m.youtube.com/watch?v=ChN32XkyyME&pp=ygUVYWNjZXB0YW5jZSBtZWRpdGF0aW9u

I agree with @Pallisers .

If you don't want to split up you have to just stop giving a shit about what he's doing. You might find that given the passing of a bit more time you actually do want to split, but your head might not just be at that point right now.

Organise a holiday. Make it a week (or two), tell him you and the kids are going for a week. This is the day you're leaving and the day you're coming back. There's room for him if he wants to join you but he can sort his own flights or travel arrangements.

Tell him you're no longer able to help his with his business (beyond x,y,z if you want to) and mean it. Focus on getting your own career back on track. He can hire an accountant or bookkeeper or virtual assistant, depending on what you're doing for him.

You've already been putting the kids first in everything but now you need to focus on you too.

DH works with people like this too. Many of them are on their 2nd or 3rd marriages but it's always the ex-wives that are "crazy" according to them. "They had so much money when they were with me, but they threw it all away" or "They were only after my money". DH sees right through it though and has said to them in the past "Do you not think you should spend more time with your family?". He plays golf, so that takes him out of the house for part of the weekend but he is always sure to only let it take up part of one day because he wants to spend the rest of the weekend with me.

I agree with @Pallisers. If you don’t want a divorce (and there doesn’t seem to be much point unless you want to meet someone else), I would adjust your expectations and carve out a life that suits you and the children.

I would be quite worried about the impact that this work stress would have on his life, I know a business owner ( main provider) who dropped dead recently and he was only 53,

Yes I do worry about this. I voice my concerns regularly and to the point (I am a HCP). He agrees then carries on as he was. I have arranged and driven him to medical appointments. He then refuses to take time off to follow up the findings.
What can you do?

You should insist that he is home at a normal time at least 2 days a week and at least one day at the weekend is family day

We are years past that point.

Me - ‘Husband, you will be home at a normal time 2 days a week and one weekend day.’

Him - ‘Can’t this week but I’ll try next week’
’Yes you’re right, I will’ (then doesn’t)
’I don’t need time off’
’To do what? I’m not taking time off to sit around at home’

Then what?

Me - ‘very well, then I shall divorce you’

Its just not how real life works sadly.

If you don't want to leave him. You've communicated it to him repeatedly and nothing changes then Id definitely consider taking a lover on the side.
He probably has one

If you don't want a divorce then just get on with your life and completely stop trying to involve him in it. Basically just forget about him.

Get more help round the house and let him pay for it. Arrange holidays on your own with the kids etc. He can join you for a a day if he likes otherwise he can have peace and quiet to crack on with is work.

Alonebutmarried · Today 13:34

To answer a few questions:

He has not always been this bad or I wouldn’t have married him. He had gotten progressively worse whilst promising things will be easier.

I had one of those too. Fundamentally self absorbed. Worked unduly long hours.

i think he got married and had kids because it was expected… wife and 2 kids… for a man of the status he saw himself as … bit like the nice car. Especially if he could boast about them to colleagues if they achieved something.

When the kids were little he did intermittently spend time with them doing fun things , like toys he took out and played with when it suited him. Then put away til the next time. Which sounds a bit like what your husband does with the Disney Dad stuff. He was never there for the drudge work though.

i used to fight with him about it and I remember saying to him once that one day we would be so used to his absence that he would no longer be part of our regular lives and if he wanted us we would no longer be there. And that’s sort of what happened.

i got on with living as “ a single parent” . And I did feel like one albeit without the financial issues.
I organised our lives to suit myself and the kids and he fitted in as suited him but I stopped going out of my way to organise things with him in mind. With holidays I just organised them and let him know when so he could join us if he wanted. I avoided working for/ with him mostly do I had some independent life and engagement.

when the kids were fairly typical teenagers they no longer paid him the attention he wanted from them when he decided it was time to and he coped poorly with this. When the high achieving older daughter developed some mental health issues at 16 his behaviour was truly appalling, almost got banned from hospital ward . She was no longer fitting in to role of “ accessorie” / model daughter.

I ended up leaving him after she was better. It was a terrible shock to him and he couldn’t understand why. His point of view was that he hadn’t had an affair or been violent so what was the problem? He still maintains he was working so much for all our benefit although I had always made it clear that wasn’t the family life I wanted and we actually didn’t need the extra money/ holiday houses etc

I regret not leaving him years before.

Sounds like it's just part of what he sees as the perfect life, without having to actually work towards it. You have to do the work while he passes on the genetics and throws some cash at you. He's not passing on his knowledge if he isn't seeing the kids but they might be learning that this is how you treat women; slaves to the home and kids while the man does the "important" work - he clearly doesn't think raising his own kids is important. They'll understand this on some base level too.

You need to decide if this is what you want from life for you and your kids, discuss it with him and make a plan for the future with or without him.

My dad was EXACTLY like this. Everything you say, that was him. We kids worshipped him too when we were little but we certainly worked out that he was a crap father by the time we grew up. He would have been a great uncle, but he was barely a father.

I've written about him on here before and told I should be grateful for him because he worked so hard to give us a materially nice life, it's what was expected, etc etc. Well I'm over it now, but we'll never be close and I'll never think he was a good father.

He does regret it, but at the same time I'm not sure he had it in him to do anything differently because he's a fairly crap grandfather too despite being retired now.

My mother never left although she came close a few times and their marriage is now mutually agreed to be a roommate situation. They holiday separately.

I ask if dc really love their dad. Mine didn’t even notice if he was home or not and the only reason they got excited he was home was because he brought them stuff.

Ask yourself Is it the stuff they love or their dad

I would ask your dh if he parented his dc properly and said no to them. Does he think his dc would give a flying crap about this guy who drops in and out of their lives occasionaly

If you stay you have to make a life for yourself. If he drops by then you might or might not be in
Don’t be there every time he visits. I would see how long you can go avoiding him altogether

Make your own friends, sort out your own career and put yourself first. No one is going to do that for you.

I have known people like this and usually it is the 2nd wife who reaps the benefits. They ignore their first family then realise that they have missed out on so much they have a do over and start again with a new family

Look after yourself and make him wait for you. If he thinks you are always going to be there then he knows he has a back up plan

I would also make sure you know every in and out of his business so you know the worth should you divorce

And I could not disagree more with PPs who say this is a fine way to live if the wife is happy with it too. This will never be in the children's best interests.

That really clears it up. No, of course he wasn't like this when you met him, men never are. They wouldn't get any desirable woman to partner with them if they were.

I totally see where you're coming from and if divorce is not an option then my advice would be to absolutely start using family resources for yourself. As per PP, utilise family money to outsource jobs in the home/garden - and filter some of that money away into an account for yourself. A rainy day account. You never do know what is around the corner and just because you would never divorce him doesn't mean that he wouldn't.

I'm completely on your side and in support of what you want to do. You have your eyes wide open so the only thing left to do is start making a nice life for yourself within that gilded cage. You can do that and be happy - and you should.

Was having a family an active discussion and agreement between you, or would you say it was probably more driven by you and he went along with it?

I ask not to be provocative, but because if you both stated why you wanted a family, and how family life would work, you can repeat that back to him now and ask him why he thinks it’s appropriate to have set that all aside. So not ‘you must do this/be here’ but ‘why do you never spend any time with the family you wanted’. Open questions.

And if you didn’t discuss and agree, it might be helpful to process that subconsciously you were always ready to shoulder it all yourself. Then decide if that means properly yourself, or with him sniping at you and expecting your help without giving any.