Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Not everyone does want a family or even a partner but it's seen as what you should do so a lot of people just go along with it to keep others happy.

If you're not going to leave him then focus on the positives
Have you got a good standard of living? Good disposable income? Nice house?

I know what you mean but I don't think you can say I'm a single parent when you aren't, he is there just not much and you have his income. I know a number of single parents working full time with little money and no help

I lost sympathy when you described yourself as a single mum in the first paragraph. You are not a single mum. You have a DH and Dad to your children, a shit one.

Great answer. I'd add;

Tell him you've adjusted your expectations but he can't bugger around with the program when he is home. No 'sugar for all' Disney Dad bullshit. There are rules in the house and he is a parent, not a fun uncle. When you have rules, you break them judiciously. Sweets on holiday and Christmas etc. If he takes all the times that are fun, you get none and that's not fair.

Also, woman! Get n your career. Stop helping with his business and tell him so. You are giving him the impression that regardless what you say, you also think his business is the only important work. STOP.

Buy help so you can do more fun stuff. Cleaners, babysitting, gardening, meal prep. So you can be more fun.

Lastly, book holidays. Fun ones with kids clubs. Don't remind him. If he doesn't remember, he doesn't attend. You go with the kids and be fun mum. Somewhere memorable and fantastic. Live your lives. Don't wait for him.

If you won't leave him, make him pay for the childcare so YOU can professionally develop and YOU can be more than the exhausted free nanny.

@Alonebutmarried I know men like this.

Work is their escape from family life.

''Can't. M'werkin''

The reply that my ex husband gave whenever it came to doing anything with family, ours, mine or his.

It has become a meme between son and people who know my ex.

''Can't. M'werkin''.

Friend's husband is similar.

It's a perfect excuse for them to dip out of family life.

I’m wondering if we are related as this sounds exactly like my aunt and uncle’s set up.

OP - you have had some excellent advice on this thread and I would echo the advice on building up a personal nest egg. Do not sacrifice your career or earning potential for a business that you are not a stakeholder in. Running your own business gives ample opportunity to squirrel away funds. As you work in the business, are you paid? Do you have a pension? Does your husband have good life insurance coverage?

Make sure you understand the family finances - and that of the business too.

Agree with both of these posts. It is so easy for people to say leave, however leave to what???? Nothing better most likely.

This is the time of year where most people file for divorce and I was listening to a lawyer saying the other day that statistically a very high percentage of people who leave their marriages are not happier.

Every female friend I have is is frustrated with an element of their marriage, but at the end of the day if their husband is generally a good person and it is an element of them not the whole of them that is frustrating, it often becomes a situation of deciding what you can really put up with and what you can't. You will get frustrations in a new relationship or if you are single and expecting him to change as a visiting father. It sounds like you do still love him, your children obviously adore him, so he can't be all that bad, albeit not there much.

Think very hard before making your decision.

OP, I know what it is like, my DH is similar, only difference is that he works from home, so we do see him for most of the day, but he is always on his laptop or on a call, so never really present.

Unfortunately, such people only change when they get seriously ill...

Your DH sounds like a good father, so I guess you just have to put up with it. I know it's frustrating, I take my 9-year old out to play football with him... when it's DH who should abviously go and play with his sons, I'm like the only mum playing football, others are dads, but what to do...

I would also treat him like a business partner. Use an outlook calendar. Say you aren't available. If he wants work on his business being done ask him to schedule it in (making sure there are no free slots)

Unfortunately I have known 2 men who have killed themselves on reaching retirement. Their whole self worth was work and the accolades it brought. Work was a drug they needed and gave them the feeling that they were indispensible. When reality hit it was too much.

This Friday he said he would visit - great!

He said he would "visit"?!?!

What an odd way to word coming home to see his wife and kids...

As others have said. If you don't want to leave then just start parenting as if you are a single parent. It's the stress of trying to involve him that's getting you down. Just plan holidays by yourselves - do whatever you want to do. I imagine he'll soon start complaining!

My ExH was like this.

He didn't grow up poor but he did grow up with a dad who constantly said "we can't afford it" and it really did impact him.

He wanted to give his family a better life.

He didn't actually like spending time with the kids. Work was more rewarding.

I accepted that that was the way it was. Sorted childcare and worked part time. I did full time briefly but full time plus all child and family related stuff was just too stressful.

I've had a good career - worked in education for twenty years. Never bothered asking H for any kind of help in time.

Organised my own social life - NCT and PTA originally and then workmates and joined a choir and a band. I drove the kids to all their after school activities - for a while we all (except ExH) did riding lessons together.

As the kids got to teens he started to feel disconnected from the family. He was but it had taken him 15 years to notice. I suggested that as they'd be off to uni soon that he focused on building our relationship and taking on projects at work as soon they would not be around.

He took this as a very good idea, and promptly took a job with a lot of overseas travel. He saw even less of our then teens (which honestly was the way they both wanted it) but didn't really do anything with me. I didn't care - it had been clear for the last 16 years he cared much more about work than either about the kids or me.

We'd probably still be married if it wasn't for the Covid lockdowns - he absolutely couldn't tolerate being in a house with his own children for more than about a week and started drinking really badly. One teen moved permanently to uni through the lockdowns to get away from him and he hit the other one when she annoyed him too much.

I let him have what he wanted. He wanted to be the provider and me to do all their caring. That was ok with me. He just didn't like the outcome at the end of that. Which I could have told him, and did, but he wouldn't listen.

If you don't want to divorce him, then treat him as you would a family friend.

Holidays, book them for you and your dc, maybe have joint holidays with a friend, don't even bother inviting him, just tell him when you'll be away.

Same with things like Christmas pantos, plays, birthdays, just drop the rope. Life will become so much more simple if you stop trying to involve him. He simply doesn't want to be involved.

Get your own social life, find a good babysitter and start to socialise with friends.

Tbh I'd probably just stop updating him.

One thing I would do is make sure that you're financially ok, make sure he's paying into a pension for you, you have savings and that you are tied to the business. So if he ever does fancy family life and you're not into that you have secured your financial future.

Completely agree with this. Concentrate on your own career as much as you are able. I really recommend a nanny or paid babysitter so that you have someone to call on. A cleaner too. Any moaning about the cost and you can point out that you need to buy in a Co parent in place of him.

Book the holidays and he can join when and if he decides to.

You will probably find that he becomes more interested in you, the less relevant he becomes to you.

i suspect OP you are very bored and lonely

Another guy who says he is doing it all for the family but, in reality, is working as he would have done anyway.

This is so sad. He will regret it. Ask him, on his death bed, will he be proud of his life? Will he be glad that he worked himself into the ground and didn't see his family. You get one life, why waste it on something that really isn't that important. Time, and loved ones, is the most precious thing any of us will ever have.

i imagine he will not have many regrets
he will have built a successful business
supported his family and enabled no doubt huge opportunities for this children
and his children think he’s wonderful

so unless business folds or children stop thinking that…. he will probably feel rather happy with himself

whereas sadly the OP seems angry, lonely, bored and resentful

Agree that you should just stop expecting anything of him, book holidays without him, etc.

BUT this is only if you have full access to and visibility to the finances. Is he contributing to a pension for you? Are you the joint owner of all assets and the beneficiary of his will? If all of that isn't properly in place, you could have a hell of a time claiming what you are due if he pops in asking for a divorce.

Also if I were you I would hire in help and resume your own career.

What line of work is he in? Is it physically demanding?

I really don't understand how your children can love a man they never see, who isn't involved in any part of their lives. Op, I couldn't live like that.

If he is running his own business it is extremely hard to try and take time off for yourself, it is always on your mind

He sounds like an extremely hard worker and a very good provider who is also a good dad and husband when he is around, I would be quite worried about the impact that this work stress would have on his life, I know a business owner ( main provider) who dropped dead recently and he was only 53,

You should insist that he is home at a normal time at least 2 days a week and at least one day at the weekend is family day

Send him this video: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jmhoOp2fUzg

Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin.

As usual, mumsnetters thinking this is an episide of corrie 🙄