Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

The I make it you spend it thing- he (and most men) actually believe that. When I left my job years ago dh said one night ‘I couldn’t believe you put it all back on me’. Men think they’re doing their job by providing and simultaneously feel somewhat bitter (probably rightly in a weird way). If you are as bitter as you sound talk it out with him and then have a think x

It’s sad he won’t be involved despite your best efforts to encourage him and he’s reckless not taking care of his health. If you aren’t divorcing him, which is absolutely your choice I would do the following

make a joint calendar and put everything in it, but don’t send reminders or chase him

take out a large life insurance policy for him so you are protected in case he does literally work himself to death (obviously tell him of this insurance!)

make sure you have clear overview of and access to all joint finances and accounts

ensure you are paying well into a pension. If he died, or left you and his pension was lost what do you have to rely on?

live your life wonderfully with your kids, holidays, days out. Employ help to facilitate this such as a cleaner, someone doing the ironing, dog walker etc that stops you being so tired and so you can relax and enjoy your kids and enjoy bringing them up just how you want to

I was a single parent from the day I had my DD1. 18 months later I had DD2. So I was a single parent to two young children. I was married at the time. My exH was not a parent … he was a support worker who asked me ‘what do you need help with?’, as if all childcare, mental load, household workings were solely my job. I think I could have coped better if he had worked away … but he didn’t. He didn’t even work. I think eventually the resentment at the unfairness of it all just wore me down … it’s exhausting to be angry all the time. I went to see a couples therapist - he didn’t show up. This woman was surprisingly old! Her advice was to simply accept he doesn’t want to be a husband or Father. He wants you to do all the work and he wants all the glory and benefits. I was in pieces at the unfairness of it all but she just advised me to suck it up buttercup. He has a lot of money and I too heard that I had nothing to complain about … that I should be grateful. Eventually I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s been six years now since he seen our DDs. Sigh … good luck OP. I hope you can find a way to create a life for yourself and children that doesn’t include him. He doesn’t deserve to be part of your family!

Tell him my needs are not being met, he needs to be more supportive and involved- or you need a lover.
That should cut through-my life, and my job are the most important things.
Should that not work you need a divorce so you can explore pastures new- it's not as if you will miss him, you don't see him at the moment anyway.

So did he bother to turn up for his ‘visit’ after his meeting?

Just do a reverse: Whenever he comes home next time, leave the house. Have a bag packed in your car and send a message to him: "I have to see about an important project. I try to be back next Friday. Love you!" Even better if you can word it in phrases he typically used to make excuses.
Then be gone for 3/5/7 days. Stay with a friend or in a hotel.
He will have to take care of the children as long as you're gone as he surely won't let them fend for themselves? By the way: How old are the children? Depending on their age, you could tell them ahead of time: "Mum will be gone for a few days next week. Don't worry, I'll be back by the end of the week. Daddy will take care of you. You will have so much fun!"
After you return he'll be more approachable and open to a discussion about sharing childcare.
Remember: You are not going to neglect your children, you're just leaving them to be cared for by their father for a few days who is a loving and capable parent. Don't feel guilty about it!

Addition: Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You can't change your husband's behaviour but you can change your own behavior.
Leaving childcare to him by simply not being availabe will present a remarkable change for your husband which he will have to adjust to (cancel work projects, pay for childcare, drag children along to work...). The children won't suffer from spending a week with dad. It will change the family dynamics however. And that is what you want!

I could have written this, and nearly have put it on here a few times.

I don't know the answer but you have my full sympathy and I'm following with interest.

He's just told me he's going to work today and told me he's already told me that (he's hasn't). This follows on from him saying he doesn't work weekends (he worked last weekend. I feel like a lunatic but I'm starting to log the weekends he works in my diary as evidence). Also getting annoyed at me for saying to family that he's never here because that's not true (it is).

I've got to the point where I despise him. I have no time for myself at all as we don't have family support and the days my DS is in nursery I need to do EVERYTHING that I can't get done with him here. The random, last minuteness of it all just makes it impossible to plan, rest or even think. I'm so fed up but I can't imagine having the time to even start making a way out of it. OP, I hope you can.

Poor kids. You might be ok with this arrangement but it's not fair on them. They must be devastated their dad doesn't bother with them.

Are you sure he doesn’t have a second family and is there when he’s away?

Workaholism is in many ways harder to deal with than alcoholism or drug addiction - as they always play the trump card of “I’m supporting the family, you spend it” etc etc. working hard is good right? You are the problem. So it’s the ultimate escape for someone who doesn’t want to participate in family life.

It’s bullshit though as the effect is the same. They are prioritising something that is damaging to their kids and partner despite the severe pain it’s causing.

Call time on this. Either he enters marriage therapy with an accepted premise that workaholism is damaging and needs to change or marriage ends. This won’t improve on its own. Though workaholics often promise oh when X Y Z happens it will be easier to take time off. Never happens.

Just remind him that he would not be able to do all that he does if you did not do all that you do

Has he got another family!? It’s a big red flag when a man says he’s not into birthday Xmas etc especially when you think about children/ family life. Urghhh I can only think he tricked you into marriage

"Where there is a will there is a way" as my Mum used to say. It's obvious that his business is way more important than you or his children. You just have to adjust your life accordingly and accept it. He is not going to change any time soon.

Highly reccomend the book by Mel Robbins "Let Them"

Sounds like my husband.
He was having an affair with a colleague for 5 years.
I had no idea.
I trusted him.

It’s been almost a month since Christmas. Has he really not been back to see his family since?

Nobody is working around the clock and you would be foolish to believe so.

I would be grateful to know if this is any good for those with younger Dc @GrowAndGreen ? I am tempted but I have also wasted £ on so many self help books which are totally unsuited to anyone with preschoolers/ younger Dc?

My first ex now dead H . 20 years I had this. I left when the eldest were 18 and 15. The youngest I took with aged 4.
Id say, you just have to stop pushing because it just wears you down. Make your own life. You are single parenting anyway, so just do it without the angst.
Put money aside for yourself as an escape fund in case …if you never need it and things do turn around, you can have a couple holiday with it. If everything just keeps on, children grow up, you can leave more easily.
He is living his life without worrying about you and the children, even if he is earning to keep you, that’s not emotionally invested in the actual relationships. So emotionally detach from him and make your own way. Children at school? You could always get a job. Get some independence. There’s nothing worse than being dependent. I was there.

My second husband was always at meetings, maybe a couple of hours or away for a week here, 10 days there. Except he was meeting assorted women and taking them on holiday, while I kept the home fires burning, looked after his house and was basically a shaggable security guard / housekeeper who cooked when he was home and generally helped with whatever was required. I left him, too, when I found out about the harem. one of his gfs complained he hardly had time for #2 ( her) as she thought he was with me. I almost phoned her to tell her, she was #4 at that time, but others were coming and going . I was the wife. Turned out, I was #3 of the longer term ones. He had 2 on the go from before we even met.
So the sentence that he couldn’t have a second family because he doesn’t have time for the first kind of resonated with me.
Mine would say, while I was probing for info after being tipped off, that he didn’t have time for anyone but me. Lying POS.
You could be correct of course, and yours is just a workaholic.

My partner is like this, God its tiresome