Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

Why is her ‘the girls’ way right and yours not? It’s simply different. And ‘different’ is - believe me ok!

Well I don't call them "the girls" (bleugh) but I do have friendship groups, two groups from university, and two groups I met when we worked abroad together. They're really long standing friendships of over thirty years and my life would be poorer without them. It was harder to see each other when our children were small as they're scattered all over the country but since children have been teens we've managed to meet up more. It helps that I have a lovely DH who understands that these friendships are important to me- they all predate him- and supports me to see them.

I have 3 friends,

1 I met on the first day of year 7, my oldest and best friend, we meet up every Thursday night for either a walk, a wander round Tesco or to either of our houses for a natter and text a lot almost everyday, she's knows every aspect of my life inside out and I do hers

2 I met when I was 18 we were inseparable for a few years then both had babies at the same time and were part of a group of girls together, that ended but were still good friends and I met her on her own usually once a month now for lunch and mooch round the shop, we text now and again usually arranging to meet up

3 I met on my first day of sixth form, she moved to my school from a different one and we hit it off immediately she's an absolute pain in the arse and so different to me but I love her dearly, but don't see her very often and we message every couple of months.

all these girls know each other but as a group they aren't close, we all went to see Barbie together last year but since then I've just seen them Individually, 2&3 are more friends with each other than 1 she's just my friend but knows them through me

I think it is luck tbh, assuming you are someone who likes socialising in a group. My “the girls” (and yes I know people don’t like that expression but what else do you say, my female friends?) are a group of about a dozen and we all got to know each other when our kids were at pre school. We all live in a fairly small village and still do, so that helps, but none of us grew up in the area. We used to meet for play dates in the park. Coffee, then progressed to lunches. We now meet up as a big group every month or so in an evening, usually in one of the houses (we move about) for a meal, or go out to eat. Obviously we can’t always all be there, and we do also meet in smaller groups. But I would do almost anything for this amazing group of people and am sure they would do the same for me. We are now almost all grandparents so have known each other for about 30 years.

Well Ron Swanson is right about many things @destiel00 but I don't think that you could call him a people person 😂I wonder what Lesley Knope would say......

I'm really pleased you have a good support work of friends.
And I'm glad you have known some " phenomenal women"
I just don't understand why people minimise adult women by calling them " girls".it's in effect saying they don't have the authority, knowledge, life experience and rights of adults. It's insulting them.

I only had ‘the girls’ when we were at university - then we all moved to different towns and cities (and countries!). We’re still in touch and I have other friends but I tend to collect one or two at every place I work or live, so most of them don’t even know each other! Like PP have said, it’s often people who still live in the same place they all grew up who have a ‘gang’ (and tbh, if they’re going to judge me for not having ‘the girls’, I’ll judge them right back for being parochial).

I have a solid group of girl friends, but they all started out as separate friends that I’ve introduced to each other and have formed their own friendships over the years. Sometimes we do things together, sometimes separately, but it’s lovely to have this shared companionship between us. I think it became stronger over lockdown when we started using group chats more regularly and have just carried on since. It’s really easy to arrange things together and just generally keep in touch with the group chats.

But no, I don’t think it’s weird not to have that either. One of my friends is similar to that. She gets on with the others and will occasionally meet up with us all, but I don’t think she really considers the entire group her “friends” like the rest of us do.

Don't be ridiculous, I refer to my female friendship group as the girls bc it would sound silly to refer to them as "the women". We're all perfectly grown up I assure you!

I have a mixed group of friends but tbh it’s more DH’s though I knew most of the before we got together.

i have 4 or 5 female friends, who all know each other, and get on well, but they don’t work well as a group. They become a bit hard work and high maintenance together. I’d like a group of girl friends though, but perhaps it’s a bit a romanticised notion.

@ShadowsOfTheDays I'm the same, can't decide if it bothers me or not. 😕

You're really overthinking this - relax!

I don't know many women that do really

I don't have a friendship group like that either. I have a handful of close friends who I adore, but they're not a group. They wouldn't all get along, but they're my friends.

No. I don’t either. Probably because I don’t describe grown women as girls. No one would have me in their clique.

If someone’s estimation of someone else went down immensely over this, my estimation of that person would go down immensely.

Yes and we've seen many posts on here where it's obvious that "the girls" never left school mentally, secret whatsapp groups and leaving one girl out etc..

I'm sorry but I'm not over thinking: language matters.

😀

I’ve never had “the girls” to be honest. Always had individual friends. In school I had a best friend and a mixed sex extended friendship group. After school I collected individual friends.
That’s always made me happy. I don’t like the idea of “the girls”, I think because the people I’ve known who refer to “the girls” have never been my type of people in general.
Each to their own.

Nope. I see it's a thing for some people, but not for me.

Seems like a lot of work too. 😂

I've preferred a few close friends since my early 20's, and it's stayed that way.

Yes, what @Wintersgirl said too! Playground mentality sticks in those groups I find.

I dont like big groups so I only have a handful of friends but they are very solid friendships. I have acquaintances that I might go out with in a bigger group ie work friends but not a big gang of friends I see all the time.

I think that 'the girls' are largely a construct of chic lit and feel-good movies. I've never had a group of 'girlfriends' as such, though a few of my friends know each other (because they know me), and it's sometimes nice to go out in a small group. But no nicer than seeing them individually and having the particular kind of conversation that goes with a particular old friend.

Now I'm starting to feel a bit weird as I do have a group of female friends like this 😂

But I agree the circumstances and shared history make it easy for us. The six of us have known each other since we were 16/17 (same school) and we're in our early 50s now. We all moved away to different unis then worked in different cities, but gravitated back to our home city by our early 30s. But even in those intervening years we were constantly in touch. Hand on heart, they are the most important people in my life (I don't have kids). They are everything to me. I feel so incredibly lucky to have them. We are just there for each other no matter what, and some of us have been through some hideous traumas - but never felt alone.

We see each other individually and also as a group at least once or twice a month, partners are also all friends. Most of us have kids and it's definitely easier to get together now they're all off travelling/at uni themselves. Though I'm fully expecting it to become harder again when grandchildren come along! We also all have separate friendships outside of our group that are just as strong.

However, I've always felt like this was an exceptional thing rather than the norm and would never think it odd if someone didn't have this. The majority of people I know have a few core friends that don't know each other or a mixed group of male and female friends.