Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

I've got individual friends only and avoid all girl groups like the plague. In my very limited experience of situations like this in the past it's been like a pack of aggressive hens pecking each other on the head to establish who's where in the pecking order. Admittedly I'm an introvert so not really a group person anyway and possibly I've just had bad experiences. I remember one 'girls' weekend away to Dublin when I was young, where they all fell out with each other and ended up going back on different flights. Me and the one other introvert stood there totally gobsmacked as they all fought & argued! 😂

Most of my friends are male as I work in a male orientated industry
We ( as a couple ) have friends that are couples too mainly having met through school links and sports.
My female friends are mainly from Uni days and we don’t all live close to each other as everyone’s moved around.
Its not unusual to not have an all female friendship group in my world.

I'm sorry but when you say " my girls have gotten me through some rough times" it sounds as though you are talking about your daughters: if I heard you say this I would assume that's who you are talking about. It would never cross my mind that you were talking about supposedly adult women friends.

I have a group of 'girls' that I've known since we were 18, so 40+ years. I also have separate friends. I value them equally. I know lots of people who don't have groups, too.

"The girls" as a name, is hated on Mumsnet. I've never known folk get so uptight about a simple term of endearment. Going out with my "women friends" doesn't sound half as much fun!

Haha me neither. In my case it's the autism.

But I have female friends, male friends, couple friends. I'm not friendless, just girl-gang less. It's always been that way. At the risk of sounding like 'one of those women' I've always found it easier to make male friends (y'know because of the aforementioned autism). About 20 years ago I finally realised my male best friend was interested in me, so now we're married. I'm afraid I find large groups of women scary and intimidating.

Eh... no. No 'the girls' here...

I have a bunch of friends all around the world, I don't think there is a single city in the UK where I don't know at least two people, and there are very few countries where I don't know someone...

And a good number of these people know one another to varying degrees, because of the interests we all have.

So no shortage of friends, but no small group of just women that I could, or would, hang out with... were I to 'hang out' which I do not!

I'm exactly the same as you OP, I have friendships that I value that have mostly been made over my life at different workplaces, so the majority of my friends don't know each other. There aren't any girls nights out, girls holidays etc and I am VERY happy with that!

On the contrary though, my partner's friendship group consists of around 10-15 guys who have known each other since they were 5! They came up through school and college together and are still very close. They don't run around in a "pack" or anything like that as they're all married with children of their own, but they're always there for each other and have all been each others groomsmen/best men at their weddings and are all godfathers to each other's children. I honestly think it's lovely and they're all really nice guys, but I certainly don't have the desire for this myself!

I have never had a group of women who all know each other and can't say I have ever missed this. I did once, as a lonely single parent, go out with a meet up style set of women. It was awful. Lots of screaming, shrieking and dancing round handbags. Like you, OP, my friends don't know each other except the colleague ones .

I think if you have a group who never moved more than a few miles from their hometown then I can see that keeping these friendships going is much easier

If this woman looked at you with pity that you don’t have that sort of friendship group I would look at her with pity that she had never experienced life outside her bubble,

I don't think you need to have lived somewhere very long really for group friendships to arise.

I've not lived in the area forever - although for a decent amount of time - but I met these women through either the baby/NCT group OR via my kids' school, as there were usually school social events, and I also joined the PTA so met others there.

The school mum group is the most active and we've kept in touch (kids now teens and beyond) and some of us started doing tennis together so that's another group which socialise together occasionally.

It doesn't suit everyone and that's absolutely fine but that's how these 'groups' came about in my case.

Guessing the long term friends are this lot

guessing you get this all the time 🤣🤣

My friendship groups always dwindle out

School and College friends and we all moved to Uni towns most stayed there or moved on again.

Uni and gap year friends we kept in touch for a few years but were completely scattered.

Baby group friends - friends until school age and our children all went to different schools.

Friends at DDs sports groups we used to go and get coffee or sit in a pub for evening classes but then we changed sports after covid.

Work friends I left my workplace although I was still invited to socials and then they also left / moved areas.

I also have no partner. It's a bit weird having lived in the same place for almost 30 years and not having a group of friends and I think I'd see it as a red flag if I met a bloke in that situation. Nothing bad ever happened though they just naturally died a death as life moved on and I was wrapped up in single parenthood and doing an OU degree and running DD to X, Y and Z so made do with the social contact I got through those things. Now she's a teen and I WFH so socialising is pretty limited, not sure what the next step is really.

Once you get 3 women together you can call that "the girls" what about school mum night out? I do have a group but it's men and women and then when just the women do something it's "the girls". I have at least 3 sets of "the girls"

I don't think she needed to labour the point and make you feel odd but there is something special about an all female group which I love. We are all different and maybe you prefer mixed groups

My friendship group happened because we all joined our village WI (I was in my 40s at the time)

Of course it's not shocking 🙄 I had the girls in my teens/early 20's but then individual friends from different places up until mid 40's. It was the main reason I didn't have a hen night when I got married.
Now in my late 50s and divorced I have 'the girls ' who are either widowed, divorced or would like to be divorced 😉
We share a hobby, go on holidays, nights out and are contemplating setting up communal living in our old age. It's never too late op.

All my friends are scattered over the UK (and some abroad).
I have met a lot of people since we moved to our current town 4 years ago, but wouldn't class any as friends.
I've never felt less liked, but I don't often feel lonely, as I've become increasingly introverted.

You're totally normal. People tend to outgrow these groups after school, maybe revisit with uni pals, maybe in the baby years. It becomes exhausting and after the age of 30 generally results in mean girls type threads on mn where pal 1 said something catty about pal 2 in the group chat and pal 3 doesn't know if she should ignore it or stir the pot...

To quote the great Ron Swanson;
Friends: 1 to 3 is sufficient 😀

I should add she wasn’t being bitchy or pitying . She’s a very nice person. She was just surprised.

Yes! I had this in my twenties but have moved around - plus three very close friends have died over the years and I moved around and just don't have the time or opportunity to do 'group friendships' any more. I think OP's situation is quite common?

I have no default “the girls” I have a couple of old uni friends I still see quite often (but separately), I have some baby/mat leave friends I still see (dd is 10) and I have a running group and some friends “from running” who don’t run with us anymore but do see for other stuff. We also have a group of family friends (four couples with kids) we go away with and do NY with etc. Lots of friends but no default group of besties.

I have my best friend and my sister that I see regularly and class both as my closest friends. No big group and I don’t miss out I feel!
My partner has a large group of guy friends and all of their girlfriends and I have a group chat, it’s really only for things like what are you wearing to x and stuff, and we will all socialise when the boys are together but not outwith. Everyone has their own little cirlcles you’re not missing out.

I don't have daughters but if I did I wouldn't be leaning on them for emotional support like my girlfriends.

One of my favourite shows is The Golden Girls.

I grew up in care. My friends are my family and I've been lucky to know some phenomenal women.

I don't have 'a girl' never mind 'the girls.

The people I know who have 'the girls', are groups who have grown up together, gone to school together and all stayed in the same area their whole lives.

I do not have 'the girls'. I have a few friends who I meet for coffee, go to their birthday parties etc but to be honest I much prefer spending my time with my husband and children. I have absolutely no desire to go out drinking in the evenings or going away for the weekend with a group of female friends.