Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

Perhaps " most people" that you know.
I would assume those who use the term girls when in fact they mean women must lack the understanding and knowledge of what " girl" and "woman" , " child" and " adult" actually mean.

I met my “girl gang” on my London commute, 25 years ago, all on the way to our high earning professional jobs. I now live over 60 miles away from them….we do not live in the same town.

If some one referred to her friends as " the girls" my estimation of her would go down immensely. I would assume she was still living her life as a schoolgirl and hadn't grown up yet.
Lol!!

I've never had a friendship group of any kind. Just individual friends, some of whom know each other, but never a 'group'. I'd find a group a bit weird.

My own friendship group have known one another for 40 years and we've never once had a fake tan or done "girly" stuff together. Our meet-ups consist of going out drinking (when we were younger), going for meals, to one another's houses, going to the theatre, we've done charity runs together, we've climbed Snowden together, we've become godmothers to one another's children, been one another's maids of honour and bridesmaids, we've supported one another through cheating spouses, divorces, bereavements, looked after one another when sick..I could go on.

Don't denigrate and belittle female friendship groups just because it's not something you've benefitted from or don't "understand".

I struggle to make friends too. "The girls" I have I have had for decades because we all returned to the area after uni. If we ever moved I wouldn't have "the girls" or make new ones, possibly just individual casual friendships. It's one of the reasons I stay in my area. I have colleagues that don't have groups of friends like that and I think that is quite normal in these times when community is not what it was.

Yes, I'm sure you must move in much higher circles 😂

Do you know how uptight you sound?

@JoanCollinsDiva Thats exactly the kind of friendship group I mean.

I have a few groups like this - none I see every single week, but we do make an effort to get together every few weeks/months (depends on the group)

They are the type of friends where it doesn't matter if you don't see each other for a while, you keep in touch on WhatsApp or SM and when you do get together it's like you've never been away and you can always just be yourself

I went away with 5 separate friendship groups on weekends away last year (lots of big birthdays!) which was lovely

Does take some serious social juggling though sometimes!

I think it's perfectly normal not to be part of a group of female friends who all know each other and organise social occasions together. For that to be possible they are usually formed at a particular time in life- like university, secondary school friends, a baby group or a sport or hobby group. Not everyone makes a group of friends like this that keep contact for years after the initial establishment. But some do.

However, it's odd to pour scorn on women who do have a friendship group like this - there's some horrible people on here who seem to like to find something to criticise and scoff at other women for, even normal things like having a close group of female friends.

Just to add another comment echoing the many that have already been made.

I don't think I've ever been involved with a group like that. The nearest I have to that is a group of friends that I have made from a hobby that I participate in. It is very social and when we are involved with the hobby we are very often there as a group.

However, outside of the hobby, I never see them. And that's absolutely fine. (Just like when my DH plays rugby - for the (very) seniors team - they have a great time when they're together but rarely see each other outside of that)

When I was at school I had a best friend right from the first year (year 7) through to the sixth form. I obviously had other friends, but I do remember, even to this day, my parents telling me that at an annual parents evening, a teacher admitted that he wasn't too sure which one I was as the two of us were always together.

At university, I studied a very STEM subject and lived in an intercollegiate hall of residence.

So my friendship groups were a mix of people from my course (mostly male) and also from the hall. I did have a couple of close female friends where I was staying in the first year that I later kept in touch with but we weren't really "the girls". The same in the third year.

What also affected the balance of things was that one of my friends on the course started going out with a guy in the physics & astronomy department, So quite a few of us started hanging out with the physics & astronomy guys (not least because their common room was directly below the Student Union bar).

So, certainly at school and university, I have never had "the girls" and have usually had groups of friends that were often more men than women.

When I started work it was in a very technical role and most of the people I worked with were men. So it was more a case of "the lads" rather than "the girls".

But, to be totally frank, I do really enjoy having an entirely female group of friends in this hobby (even though there are many men also involved in this hobby).

But that is just one part of my life; the rest of my life involves many different people of both sexes and I'm quite glad that it's not confined to just one small group of people.

I don't move in higher circles.

But I don't like the way women are generally treated in society.

I don't like women being minimised: not counted as fully functioning adults.

If wanting women to be regarded as equal to men and to be seen and treated as adult members of society makes me uptight, then bring it on.

I totally respect your choice, but I also think you could consider having therapy at some point. I don't think being friendless is a good strategy in the long term.

I think it's important to have more than one friend you can see at a time. I couldn't cope with only one-to-ones so some kind of group is good, but I see no reason why they should all be women.

I know what you mean. There seems a common cultural perception that we all have a gang of girl friends.

I once said to someone that I'd been to a pottery painting session with the girls. She said oh yes I must do that too. I was confused as she had sons.
I meant my DDs.!

Each to their own. I've got a group of girlfriends. It's fun but not everyone has to be the same and any form of friend group can be fun. some of the shitty comments about calling it "the girls" sound kinda bitter IMO

I think maybe it is an extrovert/introvert thing. I have a few friends I am close to but they are not part of a group. I am turning 50 in a few months and instead of having a party I've decided to do a few separate things (cocktails with two friends, high tea with another, dinner with another) which I think will be much more enjoyable for me.

@Sidebeforeself I'm not sure what's normal for women, but the overwhelming majority of men do not have friendship groups, and most men have very few friends (if any). Hence the joke that Jesus's greatest miracle was being a 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

There's a big gang of " the girls" at my daughter's school. They are all nice individually and I know a lot of them to chat to. But my god the drama and bitching they do about each other. Honestly it's like school playground stuff.

Having a big group of "girls" you go out with is usually something people do when they are going out drinking and they often do that from teens onwards. If you don't do that or don't drink then you probably won't really fit into that kind of thing but may get on well with individuals to do things one on one with.

I have a number of good friends who I have met at various points - in different jobs, at uni, an ex neighbour - but they aren’t connected to one another. I find groups overwhelming and it suits me better to see people one to one. Like some pp, I was brutally bullied in school and I do wonder if this has had a bearing on my friendships as an adult.

My friend at work always makes me laugh when he says she’s going out with “the antenatal girls” - she’s almost 60 and her children are in their 30s.

I order for someone to have 'the girls' you need a group with a lot of history and a lot of luck. My sister's school friends evolved with her, same interests and personalities, some moved to one city some remained at home so they meet up one place or the other. They also have the advantage of having a common birthplace with families there so they come home to visit. I was always jealous as they were a wonderful group. I had, and still have, lots of friends but it just didn't go that way after school. In college I had mostly male friends and they either remain friends in a couple with DH and I or they drifted away. I was briefly with a girl group and they were very co dependent, dressed the same and would go to the toilet together and I couldn't tolerate it. I'm still friends with one of them but don't regret not being part of that particular gang. I made many woman friends in the last 20 years but as individuals, I have ex colleagues that I meet, ex neighbours, partners of DHs friends but I couldn't organise a weekend away. I did throw a big party for my 40th a few years ago and everyone met up, that was lovely but it was one off.

It's a bit unlucky OP but not reflective of anything

Wow! That's a pretty nasty comment.

"Don't have any friends? Well, you're a loser who needs therapy!"

In contrast to yourself I can totally understand her opinion.

I felt very much the same way for many years indeed in my 20s and 30s. Probably the only person who I would describe as being a "friend" back then would have been my DH.

I have lots of people that I would describe as "acquaintances" but very few who I have ever called friends.

What I would say is that if you don't manage to fit in to a large group then there is a risk that you end up being kind of forgotten about. As people get older with more demands on their time from work and family then being able to socialise in a big group and see lots of people in one go can be convenient where as trying to schedule different meet ups with separate friends is just harder. However its also true that being in a big group just doesn't suit some people, those who are shy or more introverted fade more into the back ground and likely don't get as much out of it.

I’ve never had “the girls” and I’m so bloody glad! I honestly can’t think of anything worse. I’ve never been to a hen night and the very thought of it fills me with dread. Not my thing at all