Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

You can have both, you know. People do.

Sorry I have to ask - are you / your son black? Context absolutely matters. Personally I’d be uncomfortable with my (black) kids using the word but I get that others are less tight about it amongst the black community. Not outsiders though.

Yes we are.

I don't police his language. Don't use it myself, but I don't control him.

Are you black? I know you said your kids are. I find white parents of black kids are more uncomfortable with it.

I am. I’m not overly fussed about other (black) people using it, it’s just not something I would do or encourage myself.

I have "girls" nights out and "girls" trips away etc. If I were to dwell upon it too much I would put it down to the fact that we only left school 5 mins ago, surely, and are out having youthful type fun instead of being old and decrepit and nearly 60 DH, interestingly enough, had a BOYS night out Xmas meal recently and he and all his friends are now past retirement age.

He said "Out with the boys", not "out with the MEN" when they are all over 65. Aren't we all just trying to feel young and have fun? I find it really odd that some people seek to over-analyze this so much.

I've been known to call my breasts 'the girls'. I wouldn't, however, refer to my ADULT friends that way...

It's not you OP. I have some really good friends but they don't all know eachother as I have a good friend from work, one from yoga, one from baby group...

I call my breasts my girls, my dog my girl, my other dog my boy, going out with my ADULT friends my girls, my ADULT friends my boys etc 😄

Overanalyse? Isn't that what a talk forum is all about?

There's always one 😂

I tried to fit in with girl groups but I found it difficult, and with ADHD and social anxiety I hated it really. My friendship group are a mix of all genders, and I've always had more male friends than female friends. In my experience, the "girls" would be friendly to each other and bitch behind their backs, so I'm glad to be out of it

I've never been part of any group of girls
It's the way I like it too!

What do you mean?

Well I'm happy for your estimation of me to be on the floor to be honest.
I am going to a spa for a girly pamper next week, then I am having a night out with the girls next month.
My 14 year old daughter refers to me as 'my girly' sometimes....I am not offended, its just a term of endearment.
Judge away.

I have a girl gang, which still surprises me as I’m foreign, non native english speaker and used to find British women very hard to crack. But what happened was we all moved to a new built estate when DC were a toddlers, it was a commuter village so everyone was new and eager to make new mum friends. We all happened to be neighbours, kids got along and we all hit it off. 15 years later we are still “a gang” and husbands all get along too. In fact they meet up more often than us!

As all my family is abroad and DH family is also far away, this group has been my extended family. We’ve hosted parties and been away for glamping weekends with all of them. I’ve wanted my DC to have that, a sense of belonging and other trusted adults in their lives rather than just DH and I. There’s never bitchiness or back stabbing but sometimes someone can be annoying but it’s the same with family, you take rough with smooth. There’s always more smooth in general!

So, as PP said, it was a case of stars aligning. I feel very lucky. We all have other friends and smaller groups too, we also don’t live in eachother’s pockets at all. It takes a lot of effort to keep the friendship going but it’s totally worth it.

There's always one sensible person pointing out the obvious? I find there's lots, generally.

I'll admit to being rather envious of women that do have those kind of gal pals 🤔because I don't. I think the first few responses hit the nail on the head- you have to have a lot of star align for it to happen- and staying local seems key. And that ain't me, or the type of people I like to connect with so separate friends it is!

Nope. I walked away from two mum friendship groups. Both groups were bitchy and made me feel like crap. That was over ten years ago and I don’t feel like I’m missing out.

I had a group of girl friends during school and college.
We all had plans to go to uni (this involved moving away because the county where I live didn't have a university in 1999). But when it came time to do it I was the only one to actually go to uni.
All of the girls stopped talking to me because I chose uni over staying at home and hanging out with them.
Haven't had any girl friends since then.
So almost 25 years.
I am perfectly happy without that kind of friendship and now the thought of it just sounds like a nightmare

Nah, it’s normal to not have ‘the girls’. I’m a massive introvert and would NOT do well in a big group of female friends.

What works for you and your life is just fine, don't compare yourself to others. Ironically doing just that has led me to back off from a few groups of friends over the years. I would come home from such gatherings and think why am I wasting my time, I've not had a fun evening.
Obviously it depends on the common denominator that has created such a friendship group but generally I find it too intense, gossipy and competitive. It's just not my thing. I love seeing my individual friends. My family are my go too and the thing I like and choose to focus my time and energy on.

I associate "the girls" with drunken trips to Marmaris and screaming at boy band concerts.

Are they all still friends with each other, do you know?

I've never screamed at boy bands.

Funny how some women who don't have a connection with a group of friends who get on and do nice things together have to be silly and try and put those that do down.

We mix with the men/boys too. Most of us have adult children that have left home so we are just enjoying life.