Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

I prefer separate friends that don't know each other then they don't bitch about you when you're not there.

😂

They aren't trying to identify as a non adult.

Those are some massive leaps in judgement.

I would never assume another woman doesn't regard women as fully functional adults.

The only person who seems to think that is you which is shockingly misogynistic.

You don't seem to hold your friends in high regard if you think that's what they are doing behind your back.

If they are the type to do that then they likely still are just to people you don't know.

Well yes because ‘girls’ is not something that I would ever say myself.

there are many contexts in which ‘girl’ is used to undermine and denigrate women.

But there are also contexts where it’s harmless vernacular.

the way my mother and her 70+ year old friends (who are all lifelong feminists) described themselves when meeting for lunch is nostalgic and harmless.

the way that some women, like the OP and her friend, use it to describe their friendship group is also harmless and vernacular.

for you to denigrate and criticise other women for use of the word when they don’t ascribe the same meaning to it as you is maybe something to think about.

maybe we should reclaim the word

Pahahahahaha imagining my husband’s face when he asks if I’m planning to see the girls (again, referring to a specific group of friends I have had since we were girls - not that that matters), and I tell him I’m off to see “the amazing women” 😂

@Joyfulspringflowers just read through some of your other comments on this thread

nearly every single one is denigrating, demanding and critical of other women.

Something to reflect on

I'm 50. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of friends but don't really have "the girls". I have plenty of female friends but they're generally individual friends, not part of gang. I do have a couple of friendship groups but they're mixed sex. I'm not sure I'd want to be part of a big group of women. I liked the mixed sex dynamic or one to one friendships with women.

Hmm. In some contexts it really is just a word. Some of us use 'girl', for example, to talk about someone we were at school with. Myself and my peers do, I'm not sure why, probably just because when we knew them they were girls. I think it may be partly a generational thing (I'm in my 50s) but it has nothing to do with not regarding the women we are talking about as being fully functioning adults now.

Where friends are concerned, although I don't personally refer to my friends as 'the girls', it doesn't bother me if other women do. It can be a term of affection, just like how some men talk about going out with 'the boys'.

I'd be more inclined to agree with your logic where expressions like 'the girls at work' are concerned, though. I can't abide that as I feel it really does diminish women and their professional contributions (and, in some workplaces, seems to only be used for women in admin roles, adding a further layer of insult.)

Context is significant.

I'm not denigrating anybody. I thing women are denigrating themselves by using the word inappropriately.

Yes I am critical of people using the word wrongly. Because language matters. Society recognises this otherwise we wouldn't have legislation about the use of eg racist language, or hate speech.

I think langusge should be about clear communication. So why cause confusion calling somebody what are they are not? And that is quite important in the context of sexual and relationship issues. Whether a person is a woman or a girl is actually of fundamental importance in a lot of situations. And by using the term " girl" so indiscriminately it makes things really open to wrong interpretation and confusion.
I don't understand why I'm being told I'm being somehow anti feminist by objecting to the use of " girl" as a euphemism for a woman. But somehow the women who use this language are apparently not seen to be doing women a total disservice by the use of minimising their role and status.

No honey, that's you. Your critical thinking is lacking and noone is being diminished.

I don't understand why I'm being told I'm being somehow anti feminist by objecting to the use of " girl" as a euphemism for a woman

@Joyfulspringflowers

i think it’s more about you calling other women stupid and immature than the above.

It's that, and it's policing the language of other women.

I’d see it as pointing out internalised misogyny. I assume that poster doesn’t go about saying ‘Stop calling women ‘girls’’ in her day to day life. I don’t see the harm online.

Re the word "girls" it's just become part of certain expressions. I think most women wouldn't call themselves or other women girls but may well refer to a "girls night out" or a "girls weekend away". But men do the same. I've heard men saying things like "I'm out with the boys tonight". It's a playful use of language. Men don't diminish themselves by calling themselves boys and I'd argue the same for women occasionally using the term girls.

I dont even see where is the issue here!
You have friends,You are a social being.
Why are you making her insecurities yours? Accept different characters have different needs and we evolve based on that.

She.pointed out that she thought of it as internalised misogyny (which it isn't, btw). And then again and again and again and again and insulted everyone in the process.

Women can call themselves whatever the fuck they want. End of.

So a man says he has a girlfriend in his 20's. Are people going to automatically assume he is dating a child? No.

Yep, and I know a woman in her 60s who refers to her 70 year old partner as her "boyfriend". She wouldn't call him a boy but these terms such as girlfriend, boyfriends, girls night etc are just part of our every day language.

Right. Just to clarify . I used the term “ the girls” to mean a women only friendship group where people have something in common , meet regularly, perhaps have known each other a while. That’s all.

My friend was not being mean to me. She was telling me about her friendship group doing something, and when I commented I didn’t have a group of female friends she was quite surprised.She didn’t call them “ the girls” . I did because it’s a commonly known phrase

So it got me thinking and I thought I’d ask on here to see how uncommon it is not to have that.

That’s all . Thanks to those who have replied and it’s god to know my position is quite common.

My son uses the N word with his friends.

I'd never tell him not to.

There is context to language that should not be ignored.

Language itself is nuanced.

Op, you are fine. Perfectly fine.

And you might find yourself with a group of girls one day. You sound lovely.

What strange tangents this thread went off on!

In answer to your question @Sidebeforeself :

I don't have a group of 'girls', just a few individual friends who may or may not have met each other over the years at social events. They are all different, and I value them for all their differences.

I have a good friend I've been friends with for decades who does have a group of 'girls', said with affection. They've known each other since they worked together in their 20s. They're in their 60s and 70s now, and I've socialised with them too at parties from time to time over the years, though I am not one of the group.

They never bitch about one another, and are all genuinely good friends, and have a lot of fun times together.

What has become clear over many years, is they are good friends, but they are not 'close' friends. There is a difference. For example, when one left her abusive husband, it was a shock to everyone in the group. They had no clue beforehand. Once they knew, they were all very supportive, and life moved on, 'the girls' intact.

In the beginning, when I first got to know my friend, and soon met her 'girls', I admit I was quite envious. But over time as it became clear they were good friends but not that close, I realised that a group of friends such as they were, however fun and lovely they are, a group like that wasn't for me.

I prefer to have fewer friends that I've got to know and become close to over time. I find that more emotionally fulfilling.

Because I don’t see it as diminishing myself! I don’t know anyone that would (except you it seems).

it’s generally is just a bit of fun, but I’m
guessing you don’t have a lot of that….

Those objecting to "girls"; how far do we take it?
When I'm with my friend and asking after her 2 daughters (both in their late 20s) I'll generally say "how are the girls?"
Acceptable, or diminishing their status as women?? 🤷‍♀️ Where's the cut-off for this name, 16 or 18?
I know I could ask after them by name, separately, but that sounds odd, or maybe I could say "how are your daughters?", which makes me sound like I'm in a period drama.
Nobody I know gives a toss about being called a girl.
Oh, and why is it diminishing being called a girl? Stop insulting girls, they're not lesser beings!