Herpes Medication found in my husbands bag

[countrysidefields]

I have just found empty packets of tablets from an online pharmacy box dated 17th dec 2024 for anciclovir in my husbands laptop bag.
All the empty packets and packing was also in the box, like it was hidden in there.
When I googled that medication it's used for genital herpes. He doesn't and never has had cold sores.
I am obviously thinking the worst seeing how it was hidden away. Please don't judge me, I wasn't actually looking on purposes, I happened to come across it.
Am I right to be assuming the worst?

This. I wouldn't believe a word of his story. Men cheat all the time, and he has the opportunity.

absolutely @yamafi . if there was less shame involved in this very common disease - which does not in general discriminated between face or sexual organs - then more people would simply 'come clean'.
Lots of misinformation on this thread in fact which helps fuel that shame. Heck some posters may have it and not realise!
https://herpes.org.uk has lots of great info. I would suggest some posters have a browse.

I take those tablets for cold sores…does he suffer from cold sores maybe?

So if he told you he gets cold sores in 2009, why is he embarrassed about them now? And if he felt them coming on, he should avoid kissing you surely?

Also ‘cold sores’ is just the herpes virus on the face area and is responsible for about 50% of new genital herpes cases (from oral sex) so should be equally disclosed and discussed to lower that risk.

@countrysidefields what a conundrum.

1. Totally understand (but don't agree with) the shame & stigma around genital herpes less so for oral cold sores.
   So why would he be so embarrassed about having them?

2. The management of his outbreaks seems sufficient to require stronger antivirals that he's successfully concealed from you.
   Would this not mean you would have been likely to know about or see at least one cold sore over this time?

3. He hasn't confirmed if he was diagnosed with HSV1 or 2 & is only referring to "cold sores" generically.
   I would want this confirming. It's vague.

4. Why if only oral herpes has he not managed this under his GP? Why the need to self medicate/prescribe? Yes quicker to get the drugs quickly before it takes hold again, difficulty getting an appointment etc & the "shame".
   No shame re coldsores of the mouth even though I know a lot of people say they feel manky with them & others can comment /make inappropriate jokes like ooh have you got genital herpes as well/ (even though I don't subscribe to the shame that surrounds either of the viruses).
   So if he's in a professional role or any at work & doesn't want the scrutiny - ok maybe - but still self medicating is quite unusual I would say going back to 2009 especially when this predates telemedicine & people being more autonomous with their health. Obvs not to say pple didn't then but it's a 🚩 imo.

5. Do you have kids? Were you pregnant at or any time after 2009?
   If so genital herpes can be transmitted in labour & cause problems & needs managing during pregnancy - or at least be declared.
   Wld he take that risk?

6. There is a link with genital herpes HSV2 & cervical cancer & HPV (especially High Risk HPV).
   So it can have serious ramifications. Make sure you stick to your Pap testing OP (if you still have a cervix).

7. Personally I would be looking into what his activity is on his night's away & checking accounts, access to emails:msgs etc but he will likely have deleted anything now - if he has anything to hide.
   I would request access to see his reaction & if he's open to you seeing.
   It introduces a horrible dynamic into your relationship & you should be able to respect his privacy. But he has breached your trust with this, albeit innocently. Which needs restoring otherwise it will niggle at you & cause more disruption.

IMO!

His explanation sounds plausible. If he is telling the truth, perhaps this has opened a door to discussing future communication with him? It is a perfect example of an unnecessary misunderstanding and there may be other things to learn. Well done you!

What I don’t understand is you have never seen a cold sore on him.Even with tablets there not a guarantee to prevent them completely.I do suffer with cold sores every now and then so I did look into tablets .My husband knows about them because he’s seen them on me .

This.

I suffer with cold sores, there is no hiding when I have one and I’m very careful not to kiss my partner/children when I feel that tingle.

Have you ever seen him with a cold sore OP?

Often when one contracts the HSV, the first outbreak is often the worst, and someone might have a spate of outbreaks one after the other.

When I first contracted HSV I was having an outbreak every 3-4 weeks (so effectively constantly; you feel the onset, it flares up, it heals, and you spend another 1-4 days worrying about it either side).

I was given (& know others who received) Aciclovir for daily use for a period of 3 to 6 months. I have also been able to obtain a daily treatment for periods of high stress or illness (when flare ups can often occur), and have friends who were put on daily does through pregnancy to avoid risk to the baby.

You may have to push for it or show evidence of regular outbreaks. I have had different reactions from different doctors. Some are dismissive bastards who say "well, you'll just have to come in when you're sick and then I can prescribe". Others are 100x more humane and understand that you need to take Aciclovir the moment you feel a twinge for it to be really effective in minimising flare ups, or who are happy to prescribe for a "mini stock" of pills.

Having personally been through similar (and therefore have a biased view!) I would suggest (before trying to revive the sex life), "DH I love you but withholding this information has shaken my trust in you. Pls could I see last 12 months bank statements. Understand if you don't want to, but I will have to reevaluate our relationship moving forward". Perhaps an unpopular view, but in my experience he will double down on the lies until there is actual proof otherwise. Prostitutes generally only take cash. I wish someone had told me this before I had 6mths of gaslighting and crazy making before I got to the truth. Good luck OP.

No, I have been married for 25 years - I don't trust my old goat, that is what I wanted to say, not a new partner!

Hi OP,

I am chiming in again to reiterate that someone can carry HSV for years and never/rarely have an outbreak, it can remain dormant for years at a time.

I'd also confirm (from personal experience) that carrying HSV and disclosing it to people can be excruciatingly embarrassing, can carry a load of unfair assumptions (some of which have been aired on this thread), and can risk rejection by your intimate partner.

You know your husband and your relationship. You can judge if his explanation fits with your experience and understanding.

FWIW

1. His explanation seems reasonable to me in that it took years to reach a point where I could lightly and unemotionally just say out loud, "I carry this virus and it is important that I tell you so that you know what cjoices you are making".
2. His explanation seems unreasonable to me in the fact that he did not disclose to you when he got the diagnosis. It is my opinion that however embarrassing it feels, you should ALWAYS disclose information that could reasonably impact on your intimate partner's sexual health.

I wish you all the best as you absorb this information and think it through.

Urgh. Whether or not he's telling the truth now, I don't think I could get over my partner keeping this from me. I would want to make informed decisions that could have an impact on my own health, not have a partner making them for me, unbeknown to me.

Except for the last 20 odd years about having it, apparently 😂

Did he have to upload photos of the outbreak in order to get the medication?

I agree with this. In your shoes you have this option or ask him to show you his medical history at the point he was originally prescribed this med and that way you can see if it was for cold sores or genital sores.

He has the right to ask for his medical history from his GP surgery.

I have had cold sores since I was a kid and I have never been offered antivirals, even for a very bad outbreak.

No one gets acyclovir for 'itchy skin'. It is a very strong drug with liver compromising side effects so this bit does not ring true.

I think you would be wise to keep digging OP. His version has more holes than a swiss cheese.

Does he know you are going to the clinic for a check up?

Why self medicate? Well I do because my GP won't give me a prescription, if I could get it for free I certainly would. My GP said he only prescribes them for genital herpes. I've suffered very badly with cold sores since I was a toddler and a kind aunt passed them to me. I've had times when my mouth and one cheek were covered and scarred. Mine have tended to migrate so I get them up my nose now, a cold sore trigged by a cold is a true joy when the sores are up your nose and you need to blow your nose, the pain is horrific. I also get them in my mouth now, very unusual I'm gold. I've begged the dentist to pull teeth on occasions as I was in so much pain but he assured me there was nothing wrong with my teeth and there wasn't. I just mention that as I can certainly have cold sores that no one other than the dentist can see.

I don't think I've ever discussed getting meds on line for cold sores, my husband knows I have them as when we got married 40 years ago I got them regularly, I may have mentioned that there was now tablets you can take but I can't remember and you can bet he doesn't. 40 years ago cold sores were just a nuisance, a painful nuisance but no one worried about them being herpes, loads of people had them but now it is a big deal. If he's taking the meds it is extremely unlikely he will spread them, my husband has never had an outbreak but of course he might have the virus and just not get outbreaks.

I have no idea where the OPs husband has herpes or when he contracted it but just wanted to explain there isn't anything unusual about buying some med you happen to need.

Basically your DH has described what I do, except he hasn't been upfront with you. If what he said is true he really should have been telling you every time he felt he had to take that medication so you could take your own steps to prevent catching it.

It's come up a few times, but to confirm:

• For oral herpes you don't need to upload two photos to order from Superdrug to get the medication.
• For oral herpes, the number of pills is correct if he has ordered the last option which covers 3 outbreaks (and is slightly cheaper overall that way).

Even if this is him being honest, you should have known so you could avoid sharing cups, cutlery, face cloths, go to kiss him etc. Especially if he initially told you in 2009, he should have told you about flare ups.

If you haven't seen cold sores on him, then I don't believe the medication is for cold sores. I suffer from occasional cold sores and I always take acyclovir at the very first tingle, as well as Lysine, using cream, patches, and a virulite electronic therapy device. Using all these combined massively reduces the severity of the sores, but there is absolutely no way of preventing them altogether.

In such a long relationship, it seems odd to me that he wouldn’t mention something so innocuous.

@countrysidefields cant believe you would fall for this spin! never noticed a cold sore???? doubtful story! he would not be embarassed unless there was something to be embarassed about!

Clearly, you haven’t read the OPs subsequent posts. He says that is what they were for, but in 22-years of their relationship, she has never seen one and he has never mentioned it!

Sorry to say that unless you have sores or blisters the your GP/Dr won’t be able to test for Genital Herpes as they will use the puss (sorry) from the outbreak to test. May be worth getting a general screening if you suspect he’s been unfaithful. Hopefully they’ll be a genuine reason as to why.

Although it doesn’t help but GH is a very very common infection. Anyone who’s ever had sex could have it and sometimes it can lay dormant for years or even decades before any symptoms present. 3 out of 4 infected persons never have symptoms. I personally ask him what they are for and see what he says. Better to know than to drive yourself insane wondering. It could be that either one of you has passed it to each other if you’ve ever had previous partners.Hoping for the best x