I need to be honest with my friend and admit that her 50th birthday outing will be too much for me, but feel bad saying it!

[Winterysun]

I'm only two years older than her, am sociable, enjoy going out and I work - BUT I also need 'recharge' time, as I'm more introverted than her.

The planned day is Disneyland Paris, which will mean getting on a coach at 6 am, arriving mid-morning and not getting home until midnight/1 am. I've done Disneyland Paris before when my children were young, and loved it but we stayed for long weekends, rather than rushing around in a day!

I've done similar things before, but feel wiped out by the afternoon after such an early start, and with a lively group I won't have that 'chill time' to get my energy back for the evening (meal & probably a lot to drink)!

I'd love to still celebrate with her, ie, theatre, lunch & sightseeing, local restaurant etc but don't want to disappoint her! Would any of you admit you don't fancy it, or go anyway and possibly struggle to keep up?

That’s ok. If friend doesn’t understand, that’s her business and not something OP needs to concern herself with.

Third that!!

It’s always best to stick to the truth roughly speaking. It sounds like you’ve got something more important on. I’d be a bit deflated if I was your friend.

I would have said I’d love to come but would have found such a long day really overwhelming. I would have blamed perimenopause and said I’m not sleeping so well, don’t have so much energy these days, need regular rest stops, can’t do ultra late nights plus early mornings and just need extra chill time. I would have said a shorter day might have been manageable or a night in Paris if everyone was doing it but you’re ducking out as you don’t want to drag the party back with their plans to conquer Disneyland Paris in 16 hours!

The chances are she might get the same feedback from others… and might alter her plans somewhat.

Her expectations are ridiculous. I'm glad you prioritized yourself and declined.

To some extent this is true, could you work on boundaries around what works for you.

You could have said for instance that you’d come early morning but would need to get a 4pm train home. Then you’ve taken part on your terms and done what you could.. you explain you can’t keep going for that long even though it would have been nice etc

Glad you have declined op and glad your friend was gracious about it. I am sure you won’t be the only one either,

AlphaNovemberAlpha
I’m interested in your reply because I think there’s a balance to be struck and would question whether a “generally decent person” would ask their friends to accompany them on an expensive eighteen hour day to celebrate their birthday, in a place that is not necessarily every adult’s cup of tea? Sorry to say, but that sounds a bit selfish to me.

Surely if you are a decent friend and are organising a group event, you try and make sure that you do something that the majority will like and it doesn’t demand too much of them in time, energy or money.

Ok so a fiftieth birthday is special and you are allowed to be a bit diva-ish but that doesn’t absolve you wholly of a host’s responsibility to think of others and not just yourself. Not once over the age of 21 anyway.

Hell is a day trip to Disneyland Paris. I barely survived this aged 15, wild horses wouldn't drag me there at 42.

Just to be clear, I didn't get both invites at the same time and priotitosed the other one!

The weekend away I mentioned, 4 days after the Disneyland trip, has been planned for months. It's with my sister & cousins, something we try to do annually, at a resort fairly close to us all. I just KNOW I'd struggle to do both.

And as for joining them all at Disneyland for a shorter time, or taking a few hours to myself during the day, the others would see this as odd. Myself and another friend attempted to do this once on a hen weekend, and a few seemed offended by it. So it's 'all or nothing' really. A shame, but I feel I've made the right decision.

I'll still celebrate with my friend in some way, and will treat her to whatever we do.

No. I'm a fiercely loyal and helpful friend. I'm also autistic and introverted. I know I wouldn't cope with this. I therefore wouldn't go, and would instead communicate this in a way that says "I am unable to fulfil this, but I have arranged something special just for us."

You are NOT a bad friend because you cannot cope with something. Anyone thinking in that way, does not know the physical pain it can cause some of us to do things like this. Yes I can push through, but there is then a payoff and I spend days unable to function. I have no control over that.

@Winterysun I honestly don't blame you. I think I'd have come to the same conclusion.

You suggested making it a longer trip she said no to that due to cost. Although two weekends away in a row seems a bit selfish. The day trip sounds like an expensive exhausting experience, and probably not that enjoyable. Too short a time there, too tired to enjoy it, too much travelling in one day, too many things could go wrong.

If she really wants to do Disney in her 50th year then as a last resort suggest she saves some money and does a proper weekend in Autumn.

I agree. Sounds like enormous hard work and exhausting.

Thank you💕, and Whycan'ttheyjustbekids', you sound very like me!

I do things, but have to prioritise! Just last week I was out for drinks with people, but left a bit early as working next day. Someone said 'Just stay until we leave, you're even getting a lift to work tomorrow'!

Yes I was, (different venue so being picked up in a pool car). It wasn't about not having to drive though. I knew if I stayed until the others left I wouldn't have been home until midnight. Needed to be ready for my lift at 8 am and then needed to be 'on' for the day! So I left the restaurant at half 9.

One friend couldn't understand me cutting my evening short, but I couldn't have managed next day if I'd stayed until midnight and had yet more drinks! She maybe could, but we're all different.

We need to live our lives in a way that suits us, and not the other way around. Prioritising our own well being is such a good and healthy habit op! Reinforcing your boundaries and caring for yourself is exactly what we all need to do

Having good friends who you support and who have your back in return is also very important for happiness in life. I'm sure the friend will understand why they particular trip is too much for the OP, but just general flakiness, cancelling plans because you need a night in etc, isn't going to encourage strong bonds of friendship.

My friends and I sometimes cancel plans because we are too worn out, we are close enough for pure honesty and it doesn’t make a jot of difference. Some days we are exhausted and that’s okay. The friendships are not so fragile that they can’t withstand some rescheduling. I would rather my friends looked after themselves, and didn’t force a night out if they can’t comfortably do it.

I understand. I am similar, but I need longer than half an hour if it’s early morning until late evening. Husband and I have been on a few cruises and people often comment that the quality of their cabin doesn’t matter because they just sleep in it and they’re out and about all the rest of the time. I need a couple of hours in the afternoon in our cabin to ‘recharge’. In that time, I usually read.

People who are real extraverts will never get it!

i can be outgoing, very energetic and enthusiastic and will go out for long days out.

OP even I couldn’t do your trip! But also I wouldn’t do all that in a day as that’s too much for a day without factoring in delays, waits and issues. I think maybe your friend isn’t that good at planning!

I think your friend is mad, but you should still go but ensure you will be going off on your own. Or just take a later train or something like that. At least you can travel on your own and wouldn’t have to be ‘switched on’ for that part.

Thank you both! 💕

Strikeforever, yes you sound similar to me. Out of interest, does your dh also take time to 'recharge' on cruises?
This is where myself & my dh are different on holiday. He can just keep going - up at 7, breakfast, out touring all day, back to hotel at 6 ish, quick shower and straight out again for the evening! And he's older than me. 😊

I've done it, but feel wiped out by the evening, UNLESS I've had an hour or 2 to myself mid/late afternoon to get some energy back. Then I'm fine, and ready for a night out.

He used to find this hard to understand, but doesn't question it now. It's just 'Ok, I still want to go up the hills/climb that tower etc', but see you in a few hours! I feel SO much better for later, after chilling out with a book/coffee/leisurely shower,or sometimes a nap! 😀
We're all so different. x

@Winterysun are you me ?

I also need a bit of a late afternoon break on holiday to process what we have done on the day and recharge my batteries. Annoyingly sometimes DH interprets my desire to go back to our lodgings as something else .

We've sort of figured out a routine that works now, so he squeezes in an extra museum, or on a trip to Madeira he went out for an intensive hiking day whilst I did a bit of lounging round the pool and exploring the town in a leisurely fashion.

When I go away with a group of friends, they like to go for a drink after dinner and generally I skip that part as I don't like to drink much and find bars quite noisy.

Everyone is different and it's generally possible to work out a way for all to enjoy themselves.

You made the right call. Well done Winter sun.

Actually reading my post, it makes it seem as if I am a bit lazy and I wonder perhaps subconsciously if that's what other people are thinking.
Thing is I am totally up for sight seeing, skiing, walking etc. in bursts of a few hours, I just need recharge time and a decent nights sleep.

You don't sound lazy at all, Rookiemere!
You sound similar to me. Yes, we're up for doing things, activities, exploring etc, but we just CAN'T easily keep going for hours & hours with no chance to stop and pause for breath!

Many times, I've pushed through for other people, but have then felt uncomfortable when people comment, 'Are you ok/enjoying yourself/why have you gone quiet/you looked as though you were struggling with that hill', etc etc! YES, because my internal battery is drained after being on the go all day.

Us similar types KNOW when we need a rest, we can then come back and join everyone refreshed! Some people don't need that break and I get that, but for us it's necessity.

Husband doesn’t need it psychologically like I do, but he enjoys a bit of down time. I’m a genuine introvert (lots of people seem to think that means being antisocial. It doesn’t of course). Husband isn’t really. He’s happy to go with the flow, but enjoys a bit of quiet time to read a newspaper, or do a crossword on his iPad.

Over the years (I’m 65 now), I have learned that accepting who we are, our own needs and accommodating that in how we live is absolutely reasonable and allows us to be happy and contented. Even if that means some others thinking, or saying arsey things like those said by some on here.

I’m glad your husband has come to understand it 💐

Anyone who would think that, just doesn’t understand. It’s not worth concerning yourself with that. Yours (mine and @Winterysun ) behaviour is absolutely normal for a true introvert.

I often leave early. I no longer cave in and sit silently seething with myself for allowing myself to get talked into staying. It doesn’t matter. They won’t miss me so I don’t know why people do this cajoling and nagging. I just go now. I don’t justify it or try and explain. No one’s business but mine.

I might just want an hours peace 😂

Well done OP.

Exactly, SezFrankly! We'd all been there since 7, and finished eating by 8. By the time I left at 9.30 ish, I'd had a lovely time, caught up on everyone's news and I didn't need any more to drink by then. I hate being hungover next morning,whether I'm working or not! 😀