I need to be honest with my friend and admit that her 50th birthday outing will be too much for me, but feel bad saying it!

[Winterysun]

I'm only two years older than her, am sociable, enjoy going out and I work - BUT I also need 'recharge' time, as I'm more introverted than her.

The planned day is Disneyland Paris, which will mean getting on a coach at 6 am, arriving mid-morning and not getting home until midnight/1 am. I've done Disneyland Paris before when my children were young, and loved it but we stayed for long weekends, rather than rushing around in a day!

I've done similar things before, but feel wiped out by the afternoon after such an early start, and with a lively group I won't have that 'chill time' to get my energy back for the evening (meal & probably a lot to drink)!

I'd love to still celebrate with her, ie, theatre, lunch & sightseeing, local restaurant etc but don't want to disappoint her! Would any of you admit you don't fancy it, or go anyway and possibly struggle to keep up?

Agreed, adults doing kids stuff is weird and creepy.

@Anonym00se the suggestion of a long weekend is because the op says she likes Disney!

In which case I (who also likes Disney as an adult and has no kids) would suggest I go for a longer trip and meet them for the lunch and dinner.

My friends would probably be very surprised if I turned down a one day whirlwind tour of Disney as they know I like it (as Does the op) so in that case I'd go but for a longer period. That would be understandable to the birthday person.

If you know you're really not going to enjoy the day as it's too much for you, say so.
Just be honest and say, Thanks for the kind invite but it's not for me.

Suggest another way the two of you could celebrate her birthday.

You're 52 and shouldn't have to do (recreational) things you're not comfortable with.

Op has admitted she quite likes Disney. So it's either the day trip or the company that's putting her off.

Ah, I missed that. My apologies. Still, it’s a small fortune to spend for a 50th if you’re going for a few days. Last time we went it cost £3k for 4 people, and we only went for one day ant Disney and stayed off the park. I stand by my comment that it’s indulgent, and that’s fine but you can’t expect friends to be forced to go.

I suggested to my friend adding an overnight stay, but she wanted to keep costs down.

I thought about traveling separately and staying over, but it's extra money and with various expenses this year, I decided not to.

I don't think 'dipping in and out of the day' would work either, ie, taking myself off for coffee breaks. I'd end up drawing attention to myself. A few years ago another friend planned a big weekend for a hen-do. Myself & one other said we'd do parts of it, but not all, like staying over and a late night Escape Room.

She was quite upset, and put on our group WhatsApp (obviously directed at us), people were spoiling her weekend saying they could do this but not that etc, she wanted everyone to be up for everything. We just weren't comfortable with it all. We travelled over for the 2nd day and joined them (made a lot of effort actually!), but she made it clear it wasn't enough.

Rather than go through that again I've apologized but admitted I'll find it too much. I'll celebrate with her closer to home instead.

So you've chosen not to go, OP? You've told her?

This is nothing to do with women. It's about being a generally decent person. I would expect the same from my husband. It is one day. The OP has no health concerns.

I’m all for sucking up certain things for a friend, but no child-free adult should be expected to endure fucking Disneyland.

Up to a point, but going on a good friend’s special birthday outing once isn’t weak and brainwashed. Sounds as if OP normally does take account of her own needs and is considering making an exception this time.

The question you should ask yourself is, do I care enough about my friend to want to join in with these celebrations or not. Personally it sounds like my idea of hell, but for certain people I would make the effort.
Take headphones and an eye mask and sit at the front of the coach so you’re not too disturbed on the journey. Take yourself off for a quiet coffee in the park if you need to. Let your friend know that you’ll need to take a break once in a while to manage - if all else fails you could suddenly develop a headache!! Then book the following day off work so you can decompress fully. Good Luck!

No, it isn't. It is 100% to do with being socialised as women to put our needs last. Men don't have this need to suffer for others. Its solely a female thing. The sad thing is, you genuinely don't even realise it.
The OP from her own admission gets very tired, and needs a lot of down time.

So what is ‘normal’ then?

Does she still play with barbie dolls, OP? Genuine question.

Museums, plays, restaurants. Even spa days. Certainly not Disneyland if you're over 12 years old.

Fair Play! You've offered up doing an overnight. She's rejected.
The day trip sounds like torture. And any delays on the way out would eat into the already limited time in the park.

Just before Christmas we looked at doing a similar crazy trip to Lapland, and concluded nobody would actually enjoy it because they'd be too excited the night before to sleep, then getting up at daft o'clock. It sounded great in theory but really it could easily turn into a very very expensive nightmare

We all like different things, I love the Disney shows, the parades, the big rides.

My DGF must have been about 80 when back in the day you could paid to do individual rides at Blackpool and rode the Pepsi Max. Never too old for a bit of thrill seeking!

Yes, I've told her by text I can't manage it. Apologised, and mentioned a weekend away I've got soon afterwards (it's 4 days later, not the next day!) and said I'd find it too much to do both.

She's now replied, thanked me for letting her know and agreed I wouldn't want to exhaust myself for the following weekend.

I feel slightly guilty, but also relieved!

Sounds hideous, for any age group. What a strange choice for a group of adults.

Excellent post, fully agree. Sometimes we need to prioritise others eg kids, specific family/friend scenarios etc; this scenario doesn’t make the cut for me.

Oof, I don't think that was great to say you needed to skip her birthday and conserve your energy for another event (unsaid part: the other event was more important to you).

OP, your first reaction to her text - relief says it all.
The guilt is inevitable and just party if being female IMO.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Your friend will still go to Disneyland and have a great time with other people.
And you don’t have to put yourself through a day that doesn’t sit well with you as well as all the anxiety leading up to the day.
Embrace JOMO (Joy of Mussing Out) and forget FOMO.

Joy of Mussing out sounds interesting!

• Missing out.

I agree with this 100%!
You should not have conflated the two. I think you need to make it clear that you can’t manage the long day not because of a separate event! You could easily lose a friend , as it looks like you are prioritising something else. Be clear with your reasons, offer to celebrate in other ways or adjust the original plan if your friend is important to you.

It was nice of your friend to be so gracious about it but I am sure she is disappointed you won't be celebrating with her. You probably come across as a bit self-centered, so I hope she understands.

If you are, as you say, a "people pleaser" this might be why you find long days in other people's company so exhausting. Perhaps that is something to think about and work on, going forward? Try to just enjoy the experience and the company and not worry too much about pleasing other people at the expense of your own well being.