I need to be honest with my friend and admit that her 50th birthday outing will be too much for me, but feel bad saying it!

[Winterysun]

I'm only two years older than her, am sociable, enjoy going out and I work - BUT I also need 'recharge' time, as I'm more introverted than her.

The planned day is Disneyland Paris, which will mean getting on a coach at 6 am, arriving mid-morning and not getting home until midnight/1 am. I've done Disneyland Paris before when my children were young, and loved it but we stayed for long weekends, rather than rushing around in a day!

I've done similar things before, but feel wiped out by the afternoon after such an early start, and with a lively group I won't have that 'chill time' to get my energy back for the evening (meal & probably a lot to drink)!

I'd love to still celebrate with her, ie, theatre, lunch & sightseeing, local restaurant etc but don't want to disappoint her! Would any of you admit you don't fancy it, or go anyway and possibly struggle to keep up?

I'm NOT a terrible friend Supperlite, far from it! I'm actually known as a 'people pleaser', and the most reliable of our group of friends. A few examples of times I've pushed myself to please others and ended up regretting it -

Work night out (Escape Room) straight after work. I couldn't manage the tasks. We'd started work at 9 am, finished at 5.30, quick snack in the car and Escape Room at 6 pm! A few colleagues (who like me and see me as capable) were getting frustrated with me. 🤔 I hadn't been keen in the first place, knowing I'd struggle, and had suggested a weekend evening instead, when we'd all feel fresher. But no, they wanted straight after work. They didn't struggle with it though. I did, my energy was zapped by then, no 'recharge' time was possible so I won't do that again! May have been fun for them but it wasn't for me!

There was also a time with family, we'd left at 5 am for the airport, visiting family abroad. Arrived late morning, then at 4 pm ish SIL got the travel guides out and wanted to all plan for following day. I couldn't even focus by then, and had wanted to go off for a nap earlier but was told by dh it would look 'odd'! Guess what, maps & timetables were beyond me after being on the go for hours, and SIL got frustrated with me not being able to follow! If I need time out I need time out. I'll come back to everyone, I just can't run on empty!

My friend has only given approximate costs, but the day is likely to be around £150.

I totally get this, it would be too much for me as well. It has nothing to do with age, I am the same age as you. I would have hated this ten plus years ago as well. It sounds draining. I would be fine with the early start if we were then staying overnight and coming back the next day - then at least there would be a hotel you are checking into and where you could retreat to to recharge before dinner.

I get the recharge thing - just a quiet space where you can be by yourself and not 'on' all the time.

I used to play sport and when we went on tour, I would always just book my own room (at greater expense) rather than share for the same reason, a private haven to retreat to. It is more psychological than physical.

Could you gently suggest that the group makes this an overnight trip? 'Sounds great, what would everyone think about pushing the boat out and staying overnight and coming back after breakfast the next day'

It's not even how long and exhausting the day is (although it is) for me - it's the ratio of actual fun to cost and to misery. Several hours of travel starting at the crack of dawn, to then go on maaaaaybe two rides and spend a minimum of three hours queueing in a crowded park for which you've paid a fortune, then an overpriced early meal of crappy food, then back on the bus for several more hours getting home at 1am or later. Just... No.

£150 would just be the coach and entrance.

Then you have Disney meals -so lunch £30 plus dinner £50+

I am not even sure which restaurant would be fancy enough for a 50th? One in the Disneyland hotel maybe that's £100s.

A very expensive rushed day really.

That sounds awful. A theme park is busy and stressful any way but factoring in a 4? Hour journey each way . France is definitely an overnight stay distance away.

I'd decline personally because I know I would hate it and not be able to bring the vibes.

Why? It’s only someone’s birthday. Why should you be forced to drag yourself to another country and sacrifice your health for a day from hell? One of the best parts of having adult children is that I never have to take them to Disneyland bloody Paris again!

I remember one of my worst examples of this, a party boat trip was organised after a wedding - leaving mid morning and due to come back to harbour at 5pm. I didn't especially like the idea of this - all day on something you cannot get off or get away from. At 4pm the hosts unilaterally decided to ask the Captain to extend until 8pm at night. No food after lunch except crisps. Then another bus journey back to the hotel. I get to the wired, very irritable stage.

Another one who thinks this sounds like an endurance rather than an enjoyable day.

You’d be at Disney realistically 11:30-7:00, and in that time there needs to be a Big Lunch (where I’m from that’s 2-3 hours minimum) and the rides, souvenir shopping etc. It doesn’t seem like a great plan.

The minority of posters saying things like ‘you make the effort and you go to be a good friend’, ‘what a terrible friend you are’ etc have very different experiences of friendships to the ones I’ve had, which thrive on honesty and us all actually wanting to be there. Having the types of friendships where you’re expected to show up whether you’re able and willing or not falls very much into the ‘forced fun’ camp and in reality the joy of being an adult is that you do not have to do these things if they don’t appeal.

I wouldn't do this and I'm 30. It's not your age!

None of my friends would be offended if I thanked them for an invite but said I'd give this one a miss because it wasn't really my sort of thing. It's so simple.

You sound very much like me OP.

I am generally seen as the capable organised one, and I generally am but once I get over tired or stimulated then I just crash. Being older I know what works for me and what doesn't, but menopause seems to have exacerbated my existing tendencies.

I went on a ladies ski trip last year with people I didn't know, and what I have observed is many extroverts don't seem to be very empathetic and expect everyone to power on through like them. I was enjoying the holiday very much in my own way, but one or two of them thought it necessary to comment on my desire to go to my bedroom earlyish on occasion - not necessarily to sleep but to recharge my batteries, or that I preferred to stop early afternoon when skiing so I could relax, rather than keep on going until the last lift.

I understand that other people can be more sociable and gregarious than I am, I don't get why the inverse doesn't happen.

@Winterysun
Do you actually like Disney?

So are you going?

When it was my 50th, a group of us had a wine and pizza evening at our local pub. It was great!

I would give an upfront no to that too. I don't go to events I'm trapped at.

It is liberating and joyful to go "nope, sorry, won't be there, have a lovely time".

It's not really a extrovert/introvert thing. It's a grown-ass adult having a birthday trip, on a coach, to a kid's theme park thing.

I am very in to Roman History but I wouldn't insist my friends all travelled for five hours on a coach to see Hadrians wall, cos I'm not a dick.

but there would be nothing wrong with saying - I am doing a few days away - on day borthday i fancy walking along the wall then nice meal in the evening. Your welcome to join me for the walk/the meal etc.

I went to Vegas for a mates 50th - we combined with a general visit to LA (Yes and disney!) and met up a few times in vegas though did our own stuff as well). worked fine. dippped into what we wanted.

I agree. It seems a tad obtuse to plan a birthday event that is so specialized/marmite, so massive, so tiring, and so bloody expensive. I wouldn't plan a birthday event at a yarn festival just because I like knitting. I'd do that with my knitting friends, and arrange to meet other friends for drinks or a brunch.

Unless all the friends lived at close to Hadrian's wall, that would just be a way of making people feel pressured into dragging themselves over there, so that they don't end up feeling like the mean friend who refused to celebrate a friend's birthday. The sensible thing to do would be to go walking with a couple of people who are into that, and meet everyone else at some sort of normal event that's convenient for everyone.

yes i agree, you make it very much a "if anyone wants to" type event. But i don't see why you can't do what you want on your birthday, then open to others to attend if they want.

but clearly no pressure on anyone.

Well I hope after these 2 examples the person at the top of the list for you to please is you!

In answer to some questions, yes I DO like Disneyland! Just not in a rushed way.

And I DO work. I manage fine with a 9 - 5 day. I also do days out with people and travel.
BUT, going from a full day at work to evening out is difficult for me with not even an hour between the two things.

Also, happy to meet up with people at 9 am for a day in London, getting back around 9 pm. BUT leaving before 7 am, or getting back at midnight would be a challenge. I can do long days, just not ridiculously long!

You must have additional needs OP this just isn't normal to need to zone out like this on holiday when you're already not working.

How very patronising. I am exactly the same as OP, and I don’t have additional needs. Days like this just aren’t up my street. I don’t like crowds or theme parks. I know we live in a world where everyone is desperate to diagnose something in everybody but I don’t have Autism or any other ND condition. I’m just quiet.