DH & lap dance - this is just killing me

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2022 DH went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance while on a stag do. I am still not over this. I beat myself up most weeks that I don't look like the lap dancer (body wise) and I never will. I cannot watch films that feature lap dancing scenes/clubs. I see DH sitting on the sofa and I instantly picture the dancer in front of him, not all the time but sometimes. I then get angry, so angry at DH and he doesn't know why.

My DS is 16 and occasionally mentions strippers in a jokey way, I mutter ''ask your father about that as he likes that sort of thing'', DS never hears me and isn't meant to. If he did hear he wouldn't know what I was referring to. One day he will hear me though. I have fits when I get so angry over what he did. He refuses to talk about it and any mention of it from me goes into a totally huge row between us. So I say nothing and quietly stew, bitter and angry and hurt and feeling like the fattest, ugliest sack of shit that ever existed.

I don't want to leave DH. I do want him to know how much his actions have totally destroyed the tiny ounce of anything I liked about my body (I have body dysmorphia). But we don't speak of it and never will. The argument would be severe, on both parts and we would never resolve anything.

If he had a lap dance then that is the type of body he must want/desire. I cannot ever give him that. Christ knows what he sees when he looks at me.

I want to go to a male strip club and have a private dance. And tell him where I am going and what I am doing. And tell him that I will be using money from the joint account to pay for it. Then he can sit at home knowing what I am doing.

That is a very 'boys will be boys' attitude. Maybe he should have more respect for his wife than giving a fuck what his friends might think.

A grown man being peered pressured into something? Would make him all the more unattractive.

If he had a lap dance then that is the type of body he must want/desire. I cannot ever give him that. Christ knows what he sees when he looks at me.

First, can I make it clear that I have never been to a lap dancing club, had a lap dance nor have any plans ever to do so.

However, I suspect it's not a question of getting the body you want/desire more a case of getting what's available.

You are beating yourself up unnecessarily OP. He married you. He gave the dancer a few (few?) quid when he was pissed. That's a big difference.

Adults are peer pressured into all sorts of things all the time.

He was wrong to do it. It was a form of cheating and shows his misogyny but I fear you are focussing on the wrong thing.

The woman was most likely sexually abused as a child (most sex workers are). She has no employment rights, only making a small commission from the dances even if she works a full shift.

Have some empathy for her. Educate your DP to the plight of these vulnerable exploited women.

Your ds should hear this too.

You are right to be angry.

But it has nothing to do with her body.

@Betchyaby

Re your post "That is a very 'boys will be boys' attitude. Maybe he should have more respect for his wife than giving a fuck what his friends might think.

A grown man being peered pressured into something? Would make him all the more unattractive."

I totally agree with what youve said in your post.

However I hope you're not thinking that I think it's ok for "boys to be boys" as I don't mean that.

Just to clarify that I think it's potentially what the idiot thought while pissed and making bad choices. As drunken man babies do.

Maybe all the lads were having one and he didn't really want to look like a big woose so he got one too.

A wooose for not wanting to have a lap tap?!
You're telling me that a grown adult male isn't capable of saying no and just doing something he disagrees with, and/or doesn't want to do, because he's scared his mates will call him names?

I'd rather know a man who stands up for Harris morally right, prefers not to use women in this way, chooses not to pay for sexual gratification and prefers to prioritise his relationship with his partner.

But hey - if some woman prefer a weak coward who thinks women are there for his sexual pleasure go ahead.

@gigglinglips it most certainly isn't bollocks. I don't appreciate your shitty comment.

Everyone else - wow, lots of varied replies. I will reply further/update the thread

I think you should do exactly this - go to a male strip club and get a lap dance or hire a stripper. Then you will realise how it doesn't reflect on your attraction to your husband or his value as a human or Partner in anyway.
He shouldn't have broken your trust but you shouldn't be the one feeling bad about it

Your (over)reaction is hugely over the top. It was only a lap dance.

Forgive and forget and move on.

Raise your standards.

Men are just animals? Not capable of ethics, values, integrity and decency…

I think your BDD is making you obsess over this. Are you having any therapy?

Go and have your own lap dance

It is not sexy and is a bit weird. Tbh. (I'm a woman and have been to a couple of strip clubs when I was younger)

And book some therapy.

Your DH having a lap dance is not something for you to get hung up on. Unless there are other problems in your marriage?

And stop the mouthing off when your DS might catch on. That's weird too.

What stands out is that this has left you feeling disgusted about yourself rather than disgusted with your DH.

There are lots of valid reasons be to angry with your DH for getting a lap dance. But being angry because you think it means he prefers a stripper’s body to your own is irrational.

I think you need help with your BDD and some couples therapy if you are going to move past this. And I do mean YOU moving past this, because even if you left your DH over this, it won’t change how you feel about yourself.