DH & lap dance - this is just killing me

[rabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbit]

2022 DH went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance while on a stag do. I am still not over this. I beat myself up most weeks that I don't look like the lap dancer (body wise) and I never will. I cannot watch films that feature lap dancing scenes/clubs. I see DH sitting on the sofa and I instantly picture the dancer in front of him, not all the time but sometimes. I then get angry, so angry at DH and he doesn't know why.

My DS is 16 and occasionally mentions strippers in a jokey way, I mutter ''ask your father about that as he likes that sort of thing'', DS never hears me and isn't meant to. If he did hear he wouldn't know what I was referring to. One day he will hear me though. I have fits when I get so angry over what he did. He refuses to talk about it and any mention of it from me goes into a totally huge row between us. So I say nothing and quietly stew, bitter and angry and hurt and feeling like the fattest, ugliest sack of shit that ever existed.

I don't want to leave DH. I do want him to know how much his actions have totally destroyed the tiny ounce of anything I liked about my body (I have body dysmorphia). But we don't speak of it and never will. The argument would be severe, on both parts and we would never resolve anything.

If he had a lap dance then that is the type of body he must want/desire. I cannot ever give him that. Christ knows what he sees when he looks at me.

I want to go to a male strip club and have a private dance. And tell him where I am going and what I am doing. And tell him that I will be using money from the joint account to pay for it. Then he can sit at home knowing what I am doing.

This may sound messed up but hear me out- get your own back and become a lap dancer, you only need do it a few times. Invite DH let him watch you giving a dance and see how he feels. Change the dynamic up and empower yourself. It ain’t about how you look it’s about having confidence OP. Fuck him for betraying you and get your own back.

Male strippers have Gay men as their audiences- but with Gaydar even these aren’t necessary nowadays.
Your husband wouldn’t care anyway-You need counselling for the hostility that is now affecting your innocent son.
Or divorce.

@rabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbit

maybe just divorce him OP? You don’t sound very happy with him

He has behaved badly. However, it's almost guaranteed that he has absolutely no inkling as to how much this has destroyed you. What you need to do is to print out your opening post, give it to him and tell him he absolutely must read all of it and understand it - so that he understands the impact. If that makes him angry, so be it. Tell him it is 100% necessary for him to read it.

Most of what's in it wouldn't have even entered his head.

By printing it out or even texting him a photo of the opening post, you get your points across with no argument (not the rest of the thread so don't link).

You deserve happiness and peace which you will never get. You leave or you get help and forgive. One or the other.

I do understand your anger but passive aggressively involving your son is not ok.

My 90 year old mothers view on lap dancing....'what men are stupid enough to pay money and they don't get to touch'.

Put it into that context......stupid! Your husband was on a stag and there you go.

I do worry more about the exploitation and trafficking of the women though.

This is incredibly extreme , and deeply unhealthy for all of you.

have you a history of obsessive behaviours? I honestly think you need to seek help.

You either need to forgive and move on or divorce as otherwise this will never leave you.

I think you probably need some professional help as, whilst I can understand your disgust, your ongoing reaction seems disproportionate.

You obviously made the decision at the time to stay, are you still happy with that decision?

There are a few issues here that might have to be handled separately, at least at first.

Do you have a formal diagnosis of the dysmorphia and are you getting (or at least seeking) professional help for it? I know it's a process and you may be getting help and still struggling, or you may be aware of needing help but not yet able to access it. If you're not somewhere in the process, though, get that sorted out first. Your husband could be a saint (or you could be single) and this issue would still be disrupting your whole life. And yes, your husband probably has no idea how you feel or what dysmorphia feels like, if he even knows you suffer from it.

Next, I then get angry, so angry at DH and he doesn't know why. He probably does, but if not, he's never going to because He refuses to talk about it and any mention of it from me goes into a totally huge row between us. This is bonkers; if there's a huge issue like this in your marriage it has to be discussed and resolved. And if it's a huge issue for EITHER of you, it's a huge issue. Let's not ignore that you are the only one bearing the brunt of HIS actions; he doesn't give a damn and doesn't have to because he's bullied you into fearing the consequences of his reaction to your saying that you're a person and have opinions and needs. What if he had an affair, or abused your son, and started running a crack den out of the rec room; would you let him bully you into silence about that, too?

Finally, don't say this stuff in front of your son. Tell him clearly that frequenting strip clubs and such is inegalitarian and unacceptable, but don't bring his father into it. You're venting because you feel you can't address the real issue with the correct conversational partner because buggerlugs won't discuss it; solve that problem but in the meantime, maybe vent to a friend or a diary or your therapist or choose a coping mechanism like counting to ten before you speak.

I think you should have left at the time. My DH inviting naked women to get on top of him for a few minutes to grind up against him, so he gets erect (let's be honest, it's not a bloody 'dance'?. Is a line that cannot be crossed.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and he walked into a party where you invited a man over to grind up against you naked would he mind?

It’s not just minding is it, why try to down play it, it’s over two years of obsessive anger. The question should be would he be obsessive and angry for two years.

I don't think it's incredibly extreme, her DH crossed a line, and she's upset and that upset has never been addressed or dealt with.

I wouldn't want a man paying a woman for her body, it's disgusting. My DH wouldn't want a naked man on top of me, with a better body than him, for several minutes with the express reason to make me wet... just basic courtesy.

I agree that it's not acceptable that you are muttering about this to your Son. I understand you're upset but please don't involve your child.

I don't think she's being obsessive or over the top, she's obviously really upset, over an upsetting incident, I'd cut her some slack. She feels the way she feels for a legitimate reason.

He crossed a boundary, and this was a betrayal. Betrayal trauma can last for years, and it doesn’t seem like you and tour DH have talked through this enough. Has he validated your pain? Or apologised for the hurt he caused you?

You genuinely don’t see anything at all that is over the top or obsessive about OP’s actions? Genuinely?

Lap dancers aren’t naked, and they absolutely don’t make contact.
Bouncers are there as well so men don’t paw the women.

Lap dancers aren’t naked, and they absolutely don’t make contact.

Some do.
Not all lap dancing bars are the same.

It's vile behaviour of him regardless.
He almost certainly made the decision knowing his partner wouldn't like it - in real life, in my experience, very few partners are happy about such things.

And the whole 'he just went along with the group' rubbish previously posted - urgh! Men are perfectly capable of making their own independent choices and by the time they're adults they certainly know what is morally right and wrong.

I want to go to a male strip club and have a private dance. And tell him where I am going and what I am doing. And tell him that I will be using money from the joint account to pay for it. Then he can sit at home knowing what I am doing.

I mean go for it if you really want to but it's childish and unlikely to make him feel the way you're hoping it will.
Control and own your own feelings, not his.
Stop wasting time thinking about how you can make him feel something.

Work on yourself, your self esteem and body issues. Speak to a therapist about it. You need to talk to someone if you're going to work past it. Ask him about couples counselling.

I think you need to look at therapy bith individual and couples. That is going to be the only way to deal with this.

If you leave him you will be left with lingering doubts about yourself so seek therapy first.

From his point of view if I did something and my partner knew and decided to stay with me, I would be pretty annoyed if my partner kept bringing it up 3 years later and getting annoyed. He probably said sorry and that he won't do it again and everything he has to say in early arguments, so every time you start an argument it's rehashing the same ground and he knows from the numerous times that you have already had this argument, that nothing he says will change your feelings or provide a different outcome other than you continually being mad at him. If I were him I would shut down the arguments every time you raise it, as its not getting either of you anywhere and his is probably exhausted from having the same fight. I am not excusing him or his behavior but trying to give an alternate view point.

You need to do something different to resolve this rather than keep arguing so go get some therapy. It might end in you resolving this it might end in divorce but it'll stop this toxic cycle you are in hopefully before you drag you son into it

Things like this should be discussed before marriage. My DH knows this would be a total deal breaker for me, it would mean divorce.

So I am assuming you didn't make him aware this was a deal breaker for you? It happened years ago and you haven't left him yet, so it was it a deal breaker for you?

You either have to get over it or get rid of him, chuntering away to yourself for the past few years is no good.

They are and do.

You’ve said you don’t want to leave him, so you’re going to have to accept that you’re married to a sleaze who thinks it’s ok to objectify women. While your son is young enough, I’d be talking to him about what is wrong here with regard to exploitation of these women, not to mention the verbal and physical abuse they’re subjected to. Hopefully he’ll be a decent adult who doesn’t follow his father’s footsteps.

Things like this should be discussed before marriage. My DH knows this would be a total deal breaker for me, it would mean divorce.

I find this viewpoint a little odd though. Surely it's common sense, and should be the default, to not expect your partner - married or not - to be happy with a practically naked woman gyrating in front of your eyes for sexual gratification.

The default should always be that it is not okay.

Feel free to ask if it is okay, by all means, but everyone should assume it isn't initially - surely?!

Yes some lap dancers do get fully naked, particularly if it is a private dance paid for in a private room. I'm not surprised op is hurt and feeling incredibly insecure about this. This would be a huge turn off and deal breaker for so many woman.