DH & lap dance - this is just killing me

[rabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbit]

2022 DH went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance while on a stag do. I am still not over this. I beat myself up most weeks that I don't look like the lap dancer (body wise) and I never will. I cannot watch films that feature lap dancing scenes/clubs. I see DH sitting on the sofa and I instantly picture the dancer in front of him, not all the time but sometimes. I then get angry, so angry at DH and he doesn't know why.

My DS is 16 and occasionally mentions strippers in a jokey way, I mutter ''ask your father about that as he likes that sort of thing'', DS never hears me and isn't meant to. If he did hear he wouldn't know what I was referring to. One day he will hear me though. I have fits when I get so angry over what he did. He refuses to talk about it and any mention of it from me goes into a totally huge row between us. So I say nothing and quietly stew, bitter and angry and hurt and feeling like the fattest, ugliest sack of shit that ever existed.

I don't want to leave DH. I do want him to know how much his actions have totally destroyed the tiny ounce of anything I liked about my body (I have body dysmorphia). But we don't speak of it and never will. The argument would be severe, on both parts and we would never resolve anything.

If he had a lap dance then that is the type of body he must want/desire. I cannot ever give him that. Christ knows what he sees when he looks at me.

I want to go to a male strip club and have a private dance. And tell him where I am going and what I am doing. And tell him that I will be using money from the joint account to pay for it. Then he can sit at home knowing what I am doing.

It’s a stag do- Presumably he told OP about it.

Stag dos are the mainstay of clubs like these.

Men behave very differently away from home- Our GP used to visit massage parlours.

The thrill of it - he leads a very staid life otherwise ( married, children)

You would hope so, but it doesn't appear to be the case for many people!

Thankfully, my DH has never attended a strip club nor wanted to, but I still made my stance on this clear.

I think more women should, otherwise their partners have the get out clause 'oh, I didn't think it would bother you....' Knowing full well that it would. Men like to act thick when it suits.

@rabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbit I can understand how angry you must have been that your DH had a private dance with a lap-dancer, but I think that your Body dysmorphia is skewing things if you are still feeling so so angry more than 2 years on.

Are you getting counseling for the Body dysmorphia, because I think it is probable that that issue is the one causing the major problem here. Perhaps if you tackled that first, you would be more able to look more objectively at what your DH did and didn't do. It might still be a deal breaker, but from reading your posts, it sounds like it is so bound up with the feelings you have about your body that you can't separate the two?

You've tried the forgive and move on option, which a lot of us wouldn't do. It's not working for you.

Why are you so insistent that you won't end the relationship

It has absolutely nothing to do with you and your body and 100% to do with DH being gross.
Please distance your self perception from this.

If you reframe it in your head from 'he got a lap dance because he prefers her body' to 'he got a lap dance because it was just something to do at the stag do, like wearing a stupid costume and downing 100 pints is'.

You can feel upset he did something so gross but it's not a reflection on your body at all. After 3 years if it's still upsetting you it's likely because he isn't making you feel loved/desirable, you aren't feeling great about yourself. Would getting support for the body dysmorphia help? What about taking time out to lavish attention on yourself - new hair cut, health routine, a new hobby - something where you can feel attractive or accomplished? That would show you you're more than just a body and put light on the real reason you're upset with him (it isn't the lap dance)..

A lapdance isn’t something that would bother me, sounds like a major overreaction to me.

However clearly it does bother you and I think both you and DH are handling things badly after the fact.

You need to find a way to talk this out without it becoming an argument. Letting it eat away at you sounds very unhealthy for all concerned. Which isn’t a criticism, you feel how you feel. But you both need to find a way to deal with this situation.

This can't be real - it's a complete wind up surely??!!!

Leave it in the past and move on. Seriously this is an issue?????

Stewing in anger about this for years is not good for you. I’m glad you’re reaching out trying to find some sort of resolution. I’m not surprised you’re angry. I would be in your position too.

I think there are two big things going on for you here:

-Your DH’s infidelity - looking elsewhere for sexual stimulation is a breach of the vows you took. Different people do have different attitudes to different aspects of this - some are okay with porn, some aren’t. Some are okay with having a (discreet) look at people you find attractive, others aren’t, etc. Lap dances are infidelity to a lot of women. Not all infidelity is serious enough to be seen as something worth breaking up over, you don’t have to want to leave him to see it a a betrayal of your marriage vows.

This is something you need to think about and talk to him about. You don’t have to argue. You can just tell him how you feel without trying to convince him of anything. Hear how he feels about it without telling him he’s wrong. When you’ve both heard each other’s position and taken it onboard, made any adjustments you’re both prepared to, you can decide if he’s still a man you want to be married to. If you stay with him, for your own sake you need to find a way to forgive him.

-Your body dysmorphia and how you have internalized your DH’s single time with one body type as a complete rejection of your own body. That’s not a logical conclusion. If his choice to look at her is a rejection of you then surely if he’s slept with you since then he’s rejecting the lap dancer…. I don’t expect you to be convinced by that, if body dysmorphia was that easy to deal with it wouldn’t be such a debilitating problem. I’m just pointing out that this thought pattern, the hurt you’re experiencing because of it and the blow to your self confidence is something you can work on regardless of your DH. It’s about how you feel about yourself and not actually about what your DH feels about you or even, really, what he does.

It’s a bit grim of him but YOU are now the red flag. Your behaviour towards your DH now far FAR outweighs his misstep. Get over it or do him a favour and leave.

You need therapy. I don’t mean that in a nasty way, but the intensity of what you feel doesn’t sound healthy. The muttering under your breath to DS is not healthy or constructive. You need to work through your feelings of anger and your body dysmorphia with professional help.

It was three years ago you need to either get some therapy and move forward or split.

Continuing to punish your dh isn't fair on him and it isn't healthy for you or your son

OK. So how can this be resolved then?

You’re hurting yourself more than anyone else. The stress you’re putting your mind and body through must be horrendous.

You need to somehow move on from this. Nothing you can do can change events that happened in the past.

I’d be royally pissed off too but I feel it’s a case of forgive him or get financially comfortable and leave him.

Please don’t let you son hear about it. It’s not fair to damage his relationship with his dad, no matter how hurt you are.

I hope you can recover from this hurt.

This

If he had a lap dance then that is the type of body he must want/desire. I cannot ever give him that. Christ knows what he sees when he looks at me.

You aren't fussed about the lap dance. You're fussed about comparing yourself to someone you actually have no clue what they look like and how you rate side by side.

I mean it most sincerely and kindly when I say; get help. This isn't about lap dancing at all.

YABU.
This is not a healthy way to live.
You can't control someone else's behaviour but you can control your own. He did what he did, and won't talk about it. So you need to make a decision based on that. Either you leave, talk about it and face the fallout, or move past it. But living in some bitter, twisted limbo where you make barbed jibes in the presence of your child is not a good option for anyone.
Maybe working on your own self esteem would help too.

What he did was thoroughly unpleasant but you have created a massive drama about it and are making yourself suffer.

Can you not see that you are beating yourself up over it?

You can stop this misery that you are making foe horse or by getting over it and moving on. Perhaps you need counselling/therapy to do so but it's in your best interests to secure your mental health before it spirals out of control further.

There's lots to unpick, OP, and I will leave that to wiser women than me. One thing that stood out to me was your assertion that if he had a lap dance, that's the kind of body he wants to see, and yours is different, therefore worthless (I'm paraphrasing). That's very black and white. Can a man not be attracted to more than one body type? He chose you.

Do the thing you mentioned. Tell him you got the dance. See how he likes it. I definitely think this will help even the playing field for you. Make sure he is utterly good looking and muscles and get pics.

You've tortured yourself for three years over 2minute lap dance stop doing that to yourself.
To the dancer he was just another mug punter separated from his money.

Don’t get a lap dance. Your body dysmorphia will make you feel bad about it and it won’t resolve anything.

Your body dysmorphia and your thinking are the issues here that YOU have agency over. So think about what YOU want your life to be.

A lap dance would be a dealbreaker in my marriage because it is exploitative, sexist, tawdry and a betrayal. In all seriousness, please think about why your focus is the dancer’s body. Im wondering whether there’s anger about other aspects of your relationship that you don’t feel able to express.

therapy would do you good. Please seek the help and support you need. Pay for that from the joint account! Put yourself first. You’ll soon find out whether the marriage is worth saving. But please, for everyone’s sake, don’t continue as you are. It’s eating away at you and harming your son.

Your DH overstepped the mark and it is of concern that your teenage son is "joking about strippers". That's not right. Is this something he's picking up from his father? You aren't going to resolve this because your DH will never, ever understand your hurt and humiliation. I do. I understand it. Are you in a position to leave because I really think that's your only option.

You need to talk this out and work this out. I recommend couples counselling

Letting this anger fester is toxic

(I would leave DH if he did this, in a heartbeat, but if you want to stay you both need to work through it not leave it festering)

And what if he replies "Cool. Do you want me to pick something up for dinner on the way home from work later?"

Hasn't really solved the problem, which is that OP has an issue with Body Dysmorphia, and this has set it off in a way she can't get over. She's created this scenario in her mind where doing the same thing will make her husband feel the same way she currently does, which it almost certainly won't.

Personally I don't get the big deal about lap dances/strip clubs. A lot of these comments seem like they're coming from people who've only ever seen them in movies. In reality, they're the least erotic places on earth; usually full of daft/drunk blokes getting absolutely rinsed while paying over the odds for flat beer.

I understand that others feel different and have a hard line against it and that's fine, each to their own.

I guess it depends on whether OP had told her husband she didn't want him going and he lied/went anyway, which is an issue in itself.

If not, it really is OPs issue to get over. And involving their child in it is absolutely vile behavior.