DH & lap dance - this is just killing me

[rabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbit]

2022 DH went to a lap dancing club and had a private dance while on a stag do. I am still not over this. I beat myself up most weeks that I don't look like the lap dancer (body wise) and I never will. I cannot watch films that feature lap dancing scenes/clubs. I see DH sitting on the sofa and I instantly picture the dancer in front of him, not all the time but sometimes. I then get angry, so angry at DH and he doesn't know why.

My DS is 16 and occasionally mentions strippers in a jokey way, I mutter ''ask your father about that as he likes that sort of thing'', DS never hears me and isn't meant to. If he did hear he wouldn't know what I was referring to. One day he will hear me though. I have fits when I get so angry over what he did. He refuses to talk about it and any mention of it from me goes into a totally huge row between us. So I say nothing and quietly stew, bitter and angry and hurt and feeling like the fattest, ugliest sack of shit that ever existed.

I don't want to leave DH. I do want him to know how much his actions have totally destroyed the tiny ounce of anything I liked about my body (I have body dysmorphia). But we don't speak of it and never will. The argument would be severe, on both parts and we would never resolve anything.

If he had a lap dance then that is the type of body he must want/desire. I cannot ever give him that. Christ knows what he sees when he looks at me.

I want to go to a male strip club and have a private dance. And tell him where I am going and what I am doing. And tell him that I will be using money from the joint account to pay for it. Then he can sit at home knowing what I am doing.

Why are you letting him silence you! He obviously feels guilty, but is trying to minimise it by arguing with you when you mention it, hoping you will stop.
Which you do, yet you let this eat away at you, becoming more angry and bitter as months go by.
He is controllling you, and if he knows you have body dysmorphia, then his shutting you down is cruel in the extreme. If he doesn't know, you need to tell him why this lap dance upset you so much.
You say you don't want to split, only for him to know how you feel. Well, find a way of telling him. Three years of resentment is not good for anyone

Why are you so hung up on hie you look?

I can completely understand how you feel, and would feel the same.
You can't go on like this though, it isn't resolved for you and not talking about it isn't helping either of you. If you both want your marriage to work then you need to be able to talk about how you feel and work it through (maybe with a therapist). If you cannot do that then it may be that you need to reconsider the marriage - it can't be nice or healthy for either of you to live like this.

I mean, it was shitty behaviour of him, don't get me wrong but the reason you're so obsessed with it is because of your mental health condition. Are you getting any help with this? It's not a proportionate reaction.

Because she has body dysmorphic disorder. As per her post.

Trust me on this, you doing the same won’t help you. It won’t soothe the anger or the resentment or the feelings of inadequacy. Your husband crossed a major line by engaging in this behaviour. What has he done since to make amends? Nothing from the sounds of it, since it has just been brushed under the carpet? Until you confront this, you will never be able to heal.

You are obsessing over one event? He only the one lap dance? I think it’s icky personally and so does my husband, but it’s also not as if your DH wants to run away with a stripper I assume?! You shouldn’t be projecting your insecurities onto your children, at all, IMO. You also need some self esteem counselling or something but I know that costs money. Going to a male strip club will be mostly for gay men, so sorry to disappoint you there.

That sounds so unhealthy and unhappy. Perhaps time to reconsider the marriage - it's clearly eating you up.

You need to break up. You'll never get over this and muttering about it in front of your poor son is horrendous.

3 years ago, are you going to punish him forever. And I totally get it he’s betrayed you and made you feel bad about yourself etc no way do I condone it, but you either need to deal with it and move on, or leave him. Resentment and bitterness isn’t a life or relationship. Take care op whatever you decide to do but I think years of this isn’t doing anyone any good

Is the reason he won’t talk about it because you’ve talked about it numerous times and just gone around in circles, solving nothing and just arguing?

I would hate it too but 3 years on you need to make a decision. You can’t change the fact it’s happened. It sounds like you’re obsessing over it because of your mental health condition, are you getting help for that?

You can't carry on as you are.

It's not appropriate to be muttering things under your breath at your son. If you aren't prepared to have the conversation with your H then it's also not fair to keep festering about this.

Most of all it's not healthy for you - it's undermining your well-being and your self esteem.

Have the conversation. If it's a big argument then it's a big argument. But if you aren't prepared to have the conversation then you need to try and make your peace with it.

He did something shitty that actually a lot of women would think of as a deal breaker

It's never been fully resolved which is why you still have it on your mind

He doesn't let you talk about it

I don't think your body image issues are helping, but honestly few women would have "got over" it on the way you seem to expect of yourself

Why are you so harsh on the way you look? Men going to strippers, sex workers, affair partners are not often about preferring their look, it's about the thrill of something taboo.

You're looking at this the wrong way and beating yourself up in the process.

3 years later and still beating him over the head with it, no wonder he doesn't talk about it anymore given how long ago it was.

If this wasn't a deal breaker for you in 2022, to break you up, then kindly this is a you problem and you need to get help for this. I suspect your mental illness is influencing your behaviour here, you need to get help with this.

But frankly, if you can't let it go and move on with a clean slate you can't stay in this marriage and continue to punish DH and play games with DS. It's not fair on them and it's not fair on you.

You've posted about this several times. You can not change the past, no matter how often you revisit it in your mind, but you can change the way you think about it and you can change the way you think about yourself.

This relationship sounds toxic, you're in a stalemate of punishing each other for each other's reaction.
Your poor son to have to live amongst this.

You posting this must mean you want to try and change things. Couple's Therapy would be the best place to start but you can't let this fester any longer, it's eating you up and the atmosphere will be effecting your son.

You really need to have some counselling. Not just for this, but in general - you have a very low self esteem, and a negative view of your appearance - you define your worth by looks only. I understand what your husband done has contributed a lot to make you feel this way, but you should not let his stupid behaviour to destroy you like this.

You worth is not defined by your looks, and it should not be for your partner. Being sexually attractive and having men stare at your body will not make you happy and will not make you feel worthy. You are not a piece of meat for men's pleasure, you are a person. Please seek some help.

I think one way or another, you should discuss this because how this is dealt with is make or break.

What is the marriage like otherwise? Do you think he loves you?

I don't imagine, TBH, he imagined the pain this would cause unless you had had a very specific conversation beforehand and you'd told him 'Please don't have a lap dance, it would trigger my dysmorphia terribly'. I think if you hold on for an apology you will never get it, but maybe having this discussion with a counsellor might be a good way to deal with it as they may be able to hold off the 'big argument' and to balance both sides.

It's sad because I will bet you anything he never thinks of the lapdance; there's every chance he has totally forgotten what it was like, while you can't forget it and you weren't even there. Which is why it's something you need to get some help both for yourself and your relationship.

@rabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbit what help are you getting around your body dysmorphia? Are you seeing anyone for therapy?

@rabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbitrabbit It’s strange how you are still so hung up on this-
It’s a bit seedy but it wasn’t sex, and probably he was following the crowd on the stag do.

Hopefully the women weren’t trafficked.

As to your son, teenage boys are full of testosterone- It’s a bit unfair to be barking at him to “ Ask his father”

If you are making both your lives a misery over this, then counselling might help?.

I’d not like it either, but a very nice 18 yr old I know said his friends paid for him to have a lap dance for his 18th!

Absolutely right!
It’s the forbidden taboo aspect.

This.

This, basically. Is professional support available to you, OP?

I would be the same, I could never forgive my partner for this, so I'd just leave him. Nobody is worth all of this anguish.

You have chosen to stay with him. It has been 3 years. You either leave it in the past or split up.