DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

I bet they also fed the whole family off of one chicken for a week

Oh lord. Poor kid and poor you having all this land on you unexpectedly.

I would fully and comprehensively figure out if there's any way to get a bed into the study. If not - I'm imagining a cupboard under the stairs type setup - then DSS gets the smaller room, DS share the bigger room and I'd be buying a good sofa bed and sleeping in the living room.

Honestly I think your DSS needs his own space to process whatever is happening in his life and to study too.
Could you give him the bedroom at weekends as before so he has some space? That won't help much though.

Can you put all 3 boys in the bigger room maybe with some sort of partition? Then you and DH in the smaller room?

Or I think the suggestion of making the study his space is a good idea while he still sleeps upstairs.

You can't realistically give him your room, that won't work long term.

Your DSs aren't that much younger than DSS so they should be ok to share, it's quite a modern idea that every child needs their own room

I feel sorry for this kid. All that upheaval and having to move schools on top of it. It’s sounds very much out of his and the OPs hands the whole situation , so they will have to make the best of it. The OP will have to take the lead as the adult and hope things settle down. And of course a 15 year old doesn’t want to share space with a 6 and 8 year old (who are of course well behaved while the SS is an ungrateful spoiled brat don’t you know 🙄).

Dp is taking him out for a chat for a bit to see what he would be happiest with then when they get back we are going to discuss what they’ve decided and how to make it work. Hes being defensive understandably not badly behaved even though it sounds it from the way he’s talking. Hes not a bad kid he just said to ds (8) ‘when im back we can do your Lego I’ll help you’. I think we need to take a step back well I do and realise I acted with good intentions but should have checked first and I just made a mistake but I think it’ll be fixable. Dp is going to give him 3 options:

1. stay in boys room and have the study
2. have small room and desk etc all in there but will be a bit of a squeeze
3. have small room and the study

@Superhansrantowindsor

get away with you, the selfishness of kids nowadays is unbelievable. Expecting his own room! Many kids have to share, and there is no. reason why he shouldn’t. If the op can’t afford to move then the options are very limited, and personally I think they have done the best they can, especially as there is another area he can study

or he sorts our issues with his mother and moves back there

but he can’t expect to move in and have his own room while demanding the other 4 people who
live there all share. It’s not a reasonable request.

It doesn’t sound like he had much of a choice but to move in.

The poor kid. He needs lots of love and attention.

What studio? The former cupboard that fits a desk and a chair?

I know. How ridiculous.

His choice or otherwise doesn't really matter - he is where he is now and they need to make it work for everyone

When my sister had my eldest nephew, she was still at home.

I moved out of our shared bedroom and into what was basically the utility room, there was enough space for a single bed (that you had to crawl up to get into) and a bookcase.

I kinda loved it, would go and basically hide in there in my own little bubble - I’d shared all my life til then.

If there’s a way of squeezing a bed into that study, do it!

Did you read OP's updates? And you @berksandbeyond ?

I wasn’t actually aware when I met dp neither was he that he even had a child ! We found out when I was pregnant with ds1 as from what I can gather the person who thought they were dss father had doubts and then had a dna test then dp ex got in touch with other potential fathers and that’s when we found out and from that point he had regular contact and paid maintenance .

Have you read the thread? It isn’t safe for him to be with his mother!!!!!!!
And yes many kids do share (including me) but most kids haven’t had their life upended like this poor lad.

WHAT!!?? just tell him HELL NO!.

Several people have mentioned getting help for a bigger home. Social services have been able to help with this in some cases I’ve been ‘involved’ (without wanting to give outing info!) in when an extra child moving into the home has created overcrowded conditions and large age gap sharing, so speak to his social worker and see what help they can offer.

Yet they still had a third child, knowing they couldn’t house three children.

From what the OP said, her dh didn't know he had a son when they started their family.

Sounds like the OP and her dh are really decent human beings who are doing the best by a boy in an impossible situation - he found out at 7ish that his father was not his father, and at only 15 has to move in with his new father due to safety issues. It doesn't sound like the man he thought was his father was the nicest of people either, possibly.

Of course he's kicking off about the bedroom - it's the only thing in his fucked up life he has half a chance of fixing.

Is the mother going to pay any maintenance? If so, could that be put towards a move to a larger place?

Wasn’t planned and dp had a vasectomy afterwards !!!

@berksandbeyond so couples living in one bedroom flats should never have children?

So 4 people in one room, and 1 in the other.

Have you considered getting a tent, @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone ?

You make it sound like it was the child's choice/fault to leave his home, school and friends? I'd imagine if it were actually up to him he would go straight back home regardless the the obviously big issue that has put him in this situation.

Yes @TheWayTheLightFalls so they found out when pregnant with DS1, and instead of prioritising the child that he had no relationship with for the first 7 years of their life and the child about to be born... they chose to have another child 2 years later that they cannot afford? Got it

This is why I ( mostly) dont believe in blended families.