DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Are the three boys sharing the biggest room or the smaller one?

I don't think it's fair to make him share long term with 2 much younger half brothers. I think you need to make plans to rent a bigger house even if you have to change area to somewhere slightly cheaper. And if you're low income, presumably there will be an uplift in benefit plus child maintenance which could be put towards increased rent.

I can’t believe you’re calling him a spoilt brat. He’s going through a really difficult time.
You and his dad shouldn’t have moved in together when you knew there wouldn’t be adequate space for him.

I think DH is unreasonable to have 2 more kids when he can’t afford a big enough house to accommodate his older child…

so yes I would do what you can to not make him feel like an outsider. The study sounds a good option. Can you set up a work space in your bedroom perhaps, or the kitchen as you said.

Define proper home. I know a few families with 4 children living in a 2 bed house. There's a lot of sharing, even at 15. Are they not proper homes?

Poor kid

Don’t be ridiculous. He WANTS their room. He doesn’t need it. He has a place to sleep and a separate room which is a dedicated study, the reason he’s given for wanting their bedroom. He just doesn’t want to share a room with his siblings. Tough.

OP no I wouldn’t move your stuff out of the study so he can have it to himself. It’s your office. It’s a study and computer room for everyone who lives there. It’s a shared family space. He needs to share it too.

What measurements is the study? Could you have a high sleeper with desk and chair under?

Is the kitchen big enough to eat in?

I would move all your bedroom stuff into the living room. Make that your bedroom.

Biggest bedroom for the 2 younger kids, put the TV and sofa in there.

2nd bedroom for the teen with his bed, desk etc.

Keep the study for your WFH.

He’s 15, his father’s home is his home, he is not a lodger. The onus is on his parents to sort out the best living arrangements for him - which means giving him the study.

No they’re not proper homes when an unrelated adult in the home calls you a brat for wanting a basic amount of space and privacy

You sound like a really welcoming and empathetic mum to him. It can’t be easy rearranging the household with all the emotions of an unsettled teenage child.

That's really difficult, but I can understand him being unhappy as a parent of a 15 year old boy. My son would be unhappy too no matter how nicely you've managed to make the room look, they need privacy at that age and space to study. I'm not sure what else to suggest if sofa bed is no good and study is too small. He may sound ungrateful but I think it sounds like he is really stressed and not articulating how he feels well.

It’s tiny ! It used to be a storage cupboard it’s too small!

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone yes he is angry. But you know very well it's about more than just the bedroom/room. You could live in a palace and he'd still find something to be angry about, because life sucks for him at the moment. Try not to take it so personally. You know it’s not about you or even your home. Do what you can and at least try. It might not look like it, but he will appreciate it.

No he doesn't!

When you/his dad point out he can study in the study (presumably he can use that room privately in the evenings if necessary?) what does he say in response?

And as for being furious, surely he knew what the set up was before he moved in?

Yeah and OP and his dad knew what the set up would be before they chose to move in together! Don’t blame the child ffs.

I think to be honest I’m going to have to move the new single bed and ikea unit to our room and put our double bed in with the boys. I can’t see any other way . I know my feelings aren’t important but I thought I’d done really well it looked lovely ! But i was maybe approaching from the wrong viewpoint

I shared a room for 18 years but my sister was only 2 years older than me and it was a reasonably sized room. What a mean by proper home is a place where he isn’t squashed in as an after thought with two much smaller children. Sharing isn’t the problem. The age gap is. And just because other people squash loads of kids together doesn’t make it ideal. Sounds like the poor lad has had a tough time of late.

i would not move to the sofa bed. It’s not a good long term solution. You need some comfort and privacy when he wants to bring his friends home.
I would try to make the study more accessible for him. (Though you’ve got to accept that your younger boys may want to join in the gaming at some point, but maybe the gaming can move to the living room then…?)

Could the study become his private space, and can you add a pull-out bed to the lounge so he sleeps in there? And you and DP go up to your room in the evening once he goes to bed in the lounge?

the age gaps aren't suitable to share. 6 and 8 together is great. But a 15 year old boy needs some privacy.

I can see the anger is like he’s blocking himself from crying with it. I’m not going to push this at all I think I just need to change things. He’s not ever been this rude to me before he’s always been good and kind

Op you can’t give up your room, long term it’ll be disastrous for your relationship x

Can the study become a hybrid space?
You work from there when he's at school. It's his evenings and weekends?

Whatever you do is going to require compromises.

Of course he needs his own space and sharing with children much younger is far from ideal.

Im assuming a 3bed house was out of the question when buying despite having 3 children between you? What was the long term plan for moving to a bigger place? Can that be brought forward?

I really appreciate the advice here I feel lost with it all. I have nobody in rl to ask about this as nobody else has a SS/SD that I know !