DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

could you get a study desk in the study? it's a desk that flips to a bed. they are pricey but really well made and would make this an option

Why?

Family near me raised 7 kids in a 2-bed.

The entitlement today is off the charts.

I’m astounded that people think two adults sharing with two children so that he can have the other bedroom is the reasonable solution.

What I meant was the surface behaviour is anger / ungrateful / rude but I’ve said I can see that isn’t genuine. He’s never been rude to me like this before it’s out of character and I know what’s underneath is a lot of hurt but he’s a 15 year old boy and he doesn’t want to cry

This is what I’d do too.

I think the couple giving up the little privacy they have is crazy and could have repercussions on your relationship long term

But it's ok for a teenager to have no privacy? Plenty lone parents give up their bedrooms for their kids. The OP and her DH should be putting this traumatized child first right now. If their relationship can't cope with that then it's not great to start with.

Oh come on, you don’t seriously think 7 children in one bedroom is acceptable. They might’ve done, doesn’t mean it’s fine.

Could this fit into the small study? https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/smastad-loft-bed-frame-w-desk-and-storage-white-50454036/

Or, you and your dh move into the small bedroom, all children go in the larger one and put some sort of partition up?

I would make the study his own exclusive space and shared bedroom for sleeping and storing clothes

This.

I’m not sure why a family failing to meet their childrens needs is being portrayed as a good thing

Gosh this poor child.

So he recently discovered your partner was his dad.
Has been removed by social services
And now just before gcses has to change schools and has no space to sleep or work.

He absolutely needs his own space.

This will be life changing for him.

Ita highly unlikely the new school will have done the same gcse boards or the same texts even in English. This is going to really affect his life going forwards

Is him staying where he's not wanted or where there isn't space for him really the best option here?

What does his dad say?

15 and moved in trauma is absolutely not the time to suddenly have to start sharing space with small children. He literally has no personal space of his own whatsoever.
Presumably the kids go to bed earlier than him/wake up earlier.

I am shocked someone has decided this is his best option the poor child. Normally if adopting you have to give them their own room as all this is recognised.

It sounds like an impossible situation all round.

Can the professional that placed him not offer any support or advice here?

Because of the unique circumstances. A child who already has had his life flipped over. He has suffered trauma. It’s not like a regular set up. I am from a very big family and shared a room my whole childhood- at one point when I was very young I shared with four siblings but it was my only home with a secure, stable family set up. This boy has been having to stay somewhere different every weekend of his teen years and now has been moved permanently. It’s not a normal situation for a child to be in.

For now. I would give him study for personal unwind space and give him free reign to amend it.
I would leave single bed where is for designated sleep space but set up sofa bed at night for options. (I've never been able to sleep sharing a room, I'm an awfully light sleeper) I would invest in a better sofa bed. (Payment plan it)

I would create an office space in my bedroom if possible.

Long term I would really be looking into options of a bigger home. What options are available, maximising income potential, boosting credit etc. Even council list if you meet the overcrowded requirements.

I would not sleep in living room with my DH. That's illogical two people sharing a sofa for one child to be catered too and it gives leeway for potential boundary pushing. Teen years are hard. I was an awful teenager. Do your best to accommodate and make him feel supported but you don't relinquish your boundaries and treat the adults that are meant to be guiding and strong for the children as if they lower. That won't aid them long term in trusting you and your ability to defend them.

If you could let him have the study as his personal space even if he can't sleep their easily I think that's all you can do

Talk to him as an adult about the difficulties and costs and how you appreciate the sacrifice he is making but you knew you could rely on him

They aren’t adopting though, and there are no such requirements for other families so irrelevant.

I am sympathetic as the kid has had a tough time by the sound of it, this is likely an attempt at getting some control back but he can’t expect to move in and have his own room while demanding the other 4 people who
live there all share. It’s not a reasonable request.

@Privacynotguaranteed I have done that when I became a single parent and used the living room as my bedroom for years - but it was just two of us. And it still isn’t a great solution once children grow up and want to have friends over.

If they give him the studio he’ll have somewhere to hang out and make his own space and then he’ll just use the bedroom to sleep. Then everyone still has the living room instead of everyone being confined to their bedrooms with no common space.

Agree. A man chose to have three children when he can only afford a 2 bedroom house. That's his fault - not the fault of the children!

In your situation I would share the big room with the younger children and let him have the smaller room. No other changes.
Obviously looking to maybe get a three bedroom in the future. Yes you’d be sacrificing you and DP privacy but all children would feel secure.

I am truly shocked that people would call a traumatised 15 year old who has been removed from his mother and having to change schools just before gcses "entitled". He's got such a bad deal here in life I think some posters have no clue.

This, has OP confirmed if they’re sharing the larger room or the smaller one?
Surely the larger one - although OP said they can’t make any permanent changes you can build a kind of stud wall that is easily taken down.
The IKEA cube storage I think you mentioned, decide who is going to use in their room and board the other side all the way to the ceiling (without actually fixing to the ceiling) so no damage when taken down. Will obviously have to leave an opening at the end but maybe use a curtain or slinging door on the entrance/exit, but give DSS the side where he has to exit through younger brothers side so they’re not coming into his space.

A lot of MNers hate their children and drop them when they turn 18, a lot also turn up crying because they’re having a son rather than a daughter, so it sadly doesn’t surprise me that this child is seen as a problem rather than an actual person.

I do agree that a man who can't house three children shouldn't have had three children. Do people never plan ahead for various scenarios?

Fuck. What a mess.
poor lad - that doesn’t help you when your on the receiving end of the anger.

slightly more long term, what’s your roof like? Wont help with gcse timing, could be a medium term solution. He also might feel wanted if he sees changes like that happening

That poor boy. If professionals moved him for his safety he’s clearly gone through substantial trauma, and probably suffered from long term inadequate parenting. No wonder he feels angry. I’m sure this isn’t how you expected your life to pan out OP, but you’re doing a noble thing* by taking him in and caring for him. Try to remember that, even when it’s difficult and stressful.

re the house - you are now statutorily overcrowded. Your family needs a 3 bed. You are probably entitled to benefits to help you to rent somewhere bigger. I suggest you run a benefits check on a website like Turn2us or Entitledto. You may be surprised at what you should be getting. Alternatively visit or call your local citizens advice centre. Make sure you’re getting child benefit for DSS. As PP have mentioned it may be best to stay in your current house until DSS has finished his GCSEs, but he might be slightly happier if he knows that the current arrangements are temporary and he’ll have his own room within the year.

*to be clear - you are doing a noble thing. Your DH is doing the minimum required of any decent man.