DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

I'm sympathetic to all round, this boy has had a difficult time, obviously, but you can't just magic up space. All 3 boys will have to share a bedroom, but I agree that giving him that study gives him some space of his own.

That probably won’t be possible we are looking at the situation from the perspective that she will not be contributing at all due to the circumstances

Not if they're never ever planning to move, no. It's not ideal is it? Survivable? Yes. A good situation to bring a planned and wanted child into? Well, no. We can aim higher than Judy survival you know!

I agree with this.
I think you are going to struggle with a lack of privacy and poor quality sleep yourself after a while. Remember you can't parent effectively if you're knackered.
Couldn't you try this compromise for a while at least? If you immediately give up your room you'll never be able to undo that.

Yes - as long as he can make it his own space, he can use it and then go back upstairs to sleep.

They simply don’t have many options, they’ll have to work with what they have until they can find suitable room for everyone.

Id echo @AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells about going back to the social worker that placed him. He needs space.

You sound absolutely lovely OP. 💐💐💐

Why don't you move the younger kids in with you? And leave your DS in the smaller room to himself

Why are you accommodating a Gaming Space? Everyone is disrupted for gaming?

This boy has already had a lot of crap. No wonder he is angry. None of it the fault of OP but...

And yes this is a very kind thing you're doing - although I'd also echo his dad should be really stepping up here.

Where was he when presumably life wasn't safe with his mother? It must have got bad that he wasn't safe with her so presumably you saw this coming?

Two adults and two children in one bedroom, so that the ss can have the other bedroom? I can't see that working.

I also second going back to social services - they placed him with you, they can advocate for your needs as a family.

I think when this has been sorted I'd start another thread with the title of "how to support a traumatised ss who is moving in with us just before gcses" for a different type of response too.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone

Just to acknowledge that you are really trying hard to be understanding and have explained your DSS situation - it is indeed traumatic and for all involved.

Agree this move of all 4 of you in one room with your 2 DS might be a possible solution short term, but long term your DSS may feel left out as he still is outside 'your room' at the end of each day?

Could you explore using the lounge for you and hubby again, just whilst the dust settles and you can look at longer term options you can afford in due course?

I know it's hard but you are the adults in this admittedly tough situation and therefore can understand and manage the sacrifice a bit more.

Thank You for being so sensitive to this young man's plight and I hope with your practical help - plus continued talking with your DH as well importantly - that his pain may subside with time for the benefit of the whole family.

I think this is a good idea, it's definitely over crowding.

Longer term you need a 3 bed house. Plans need to be put in place to make this happen.

Do you rent or own?

Yes.

Is moving (at some point, not tomorrow) an option? If so can you say to him 'hey, DSS, I'm so glad you're living with us. This is your home like it is mine, DPs, DS and DS'es. I'm sorry things aren't perfect, and we will be looking to move in X timeframe. In the meantime, what about the study being a room that is only used by you, you can keep your things in there so the little boys don't mess with them, when you are in there you will be left alone like if you had a bedroom of your own'

Because it’s his hobby and to be honest he really needs that relaxation / decompression time I think ? It’s important to him. It’s really hard as I cannot give details but what has happened was sudden and severe so he needs to be allowed to be a normal teenager and do something like gaming to take his mind off things

Good approach.

I’ll update later when they’ve talked and we have a decision

Option 3 is madness. One or two at a push.

I’d invest in a comfier pull out bed and turn the living room into your bedroom. Me and DH did this until we could move. We bought an ottoman style sofa bed and the storage is where we put the bedding. Get a mattress topper too to lie on

Guessing if deemed "safest" -choice isnt on table? Can you/dad do the room switch with him? lick of paint?