DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

He doesn’t currently have the study, it’s full of the OP’s stuff.

Teens need their own space. The OP has said she can live without the study, so giving it to him is the obvious solution - if there’s no space for a bed he can sleep in the kids room, but otherwise respect that as their space and spend his waking time in the study.

Three kids of such differing ages should not ideally share a room - but even more so with the complication of a blended family and a child who has gone through divorce. It’s crazy to run the house like this when there’s an easy alternative

No one is saying you haven't done that.

But you are balming a kid and calling him names for simply being honest with you.

He is 15, not 5. He is studying for some pretty hard exams. He needs his own space, where it is quiet to get good sleep, be able to study. Have his stuff around him.

Apologies if inhave missed it. But not seen why he is now living with you. But assume whatever has caused that move has been a trauma for him. And now he is being made to feel like he just has to put uo and shut up (I don't mean to say that's what you have done but it is likely how he feels).

Would buying a decent day bed for the living room and him sleeping there be an option? It coukd be used like a sofa durijg the day. If he had the study as his private space and the living room at night that might work.

Otherwise I think you should give him your room and move in with the younger boys.

It’s not ideal is it? And there’s an alternative here, so why not do that.

No way should a 15 year old be sharing with 2 young children. You need to rent somewhere bigger or move into the lounge with your partner. A 2 bed for a family of 5 is too small. Not his fault his dad had more children than he can afford.

Is this going to be a long term arrangement him living with you?

Has he had a falling out with his mother or is there something else behind this?

It's hard. Make the study his space. just furnish it cleverly to give him as much space as possible. It's the sleeping arrangement that is an issue, even if you gave him the sofa bed, you would lose your front room. My 15 year old spends half his time in bed and gaming. It would be ideal to have his own space.

Can you look into a cheaper larger house slightly further afield or look into social housing?

I do see that pov but hopefully not. I think I have to deal with the issue right now in front of us and that’s a child who is really really stressed. Who has to start a new school next week as well so I need to change things which is possible and then ill
deal with anything else as it happens

Do not give up your room! You and your husband need a bedroom to yourselves. Him having the space in the study should be enough for now, based on your circumstances. It’s not ideal but you’ve to make it work with what you have.
Can your DH take him out for a walk and chat about making it work for everyone? Poor kid, it seems hard but you all have to live with what you’ve got.

At 15 he will struggle to portray his upset and needs into nice words but what he is asking for and shouldn’t even have to ask for really (which I’m sure he is finding also upsetting and embarrassing to have to ask for) is legitimate. He has as much right to be made comfortable in your home as your other two kids are. I think given that you guys have a home not really suitable for 3 kids of their ages you have to suck it up and camp out on the sofa until you can get another place. He’s been through enough already by the sounds of it without being made to feel like an inconvenience

OP needs a place to work. There’s no way I could work from the kitchen with my 2 kids at home. People need free access to kitchen - speaking from experience, it’s horrible trying to do a complicated report or having a teams call when people need to come in and out of the kitchen to get food and drink, and it’s unfair to make them wait when there is a dedicated space in the house that can be used to work from. Nothing you’ve said makes me think the space can’t be shared.

The adults work from the study during the day. Their work stuff being in there makes absolutely no impact on his ability to use the room to study after school. Both need the space legitimately, and they aren’t using it at the same time so there is already a natural balance to it.

Regarding the shared space - it’s nothing to do with blended families. This is just families. The house has 2 bedrooms. 2 adults in one. 3 kids in the other. Loads of families make this work. Most of them don’t have a separate study room available!

It’s not possible to give too much detail other than he’s here now and will be staying here as that’s what a professional has said is safest

I really don't think you should give up your bedroom. SS is having a tough time but it's madness to have 4 people crammed into one room so a sole 15 year old can have a room to himself!

I think letting him have the study area as his space is the answer. He can opt to sleep in the shared bedroom or on sofa bed (though his stuff will need to be kept in the bedroom or study) and if he sleeps in the living room he'll need to accept its a family room during the day.

I know posters will keep telling you off for not having a bigger house/having more kids than space but you are where you are and need to find a solution. You can't magic up more rooms.

Then I am so sorry but you need to give him the space he is asking for.

He has had his whole life ripped apart and he is clinging to anything that gives him some security.

He isn't being unreasonable in his request and his behaviour as you have already admitted it trauma related.

He needs to feel safe.

I think you need to find a way to give him that space until a better long term solution can be found.

If you rent, are social services able to assist with council housing tonget somewhere bigger for you all that is more suited?

Then you need to move somewhere bigger, even if that means moving to another cheaper area.

He's having to change school? in the middle of his GCSEs? Is he Y10 or 11?

He's lost his home, his school, his friends - everything in his world - and you call him an ungrateful brat.

His life has been turned upside down. His father needs to do the best he can for his son. Including giving up your bedroom if necessary

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone as a short term solution it can work. However , it will be tricky to change again , even if things /feelings settle. So you'd be stuck in this situation for at least 3 more years (That's if he goes away for uni).

Is there any hope for a bigger house in the near future? Or owning and then you can partition as you need?

One more thing to consider... going from your other post. Odds are.. the thoughts and feelings and tears come at night and he doesn't want to cry/rage in front of his younger brothers. It's an emotional minefield and such a burden on still very young shoulders.

Like I said before, it might come out as anger/moaning about the room, but it's not about the room.

I wasn’t actually aware when I met dp neither was he that he even had a child ! We found out when I was pregnant with ds1 as from what I can gather the person who thought they were dss father had doubts and then had a dna test then dp ex got in touch with other potential fathers and that’s when we found out and from that point he had regular contact and paid maintenance .

The poor boy is already having to change schools in the middle of his GCSEs. Please don't move again if it will mean another change of schools.

I think we will have to think about how it may be possible to get somewhere bigger I don’t know how but I think we will be having some discussions

Have you registered for social housing, I don’t know what part of the country you are in but some areas have shorter waiting lists than others and given how over crowded you are and with what sounds like social services involvement, you may be in a high priority band. It is certainly worth looking into.

Other than that I would definitely looking to move, you might have to downgrade area a little to afford a bigger house but the one you are in isn’t suitable.

In the short term he uses the study in the evenings and weekends. Are the boys sharing the bigger room already? Is it possible to switch the living room and the big bedroom to gain more space and put up a stud, I know you are renting but these don’t have to be permanent they can be fixed to the ceiling with brackets and removed when you move.

We can’t afford to move not for the foreseeable but we are going to have to consider how it might work in future

I would give him the studio as he definitely needs some sort of quiet space but for the love of god, do not give him your bedroom.

I think the couple giving up the little privacy they have is crazy and could have repercussions on your relationship long term. You’re the adults, you get the main bedroom, end of. You also need rest as you’re both busy with adult life.

My DD also got me with the “I need a bigger room to study and help me organise” (different than your DSS as she had her own room already) and it was very awkward and tricky to get it back because she got used to the space and kept using all sorts of excuses to delay swapping back.

The thing is, his 'demands' aren't reasonable which is what is making it obvious that he's acting out rather than this being a genuine issue with the bedroom specifically. It's completely understandable that he's not able to deal well with the emotions of the situation given his age and how much disruption he's been through.

I really think you need to avoid giving up a bedroom for yourself as it will affect your relationship - this is not going to be good for the family dynamic full stop.

Offer him the study, offer to explore other options for the partition, say you will work with him to figure out something that's better for him. But I don't think realistically there is a way for him to have everything he wants unless you can look to move house - which actually I would make the priority if he's likely to be with you long term.

How incredibly sad for this boy. You're latest update OP , please get this boy some therapy.

For the short term, you, DP and the younger kids share the biggest room and DSS gets the smaller room. He needs to be in control of something, he sounds like he’s going through a traumatic time. Longer term you need a bigger place.