Page 38 | DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone · 2024-12-31T09:32:15+00:00

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful. Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs. Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’. My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex). I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Pippyls67 · 02/01/2025 01:03

As someone whose parented teenage boys you simply have to give him his own space. He will be under enormous stress with school, exams, relationships, hormones and so on let alone having had his life thrown upside down by moving out of his previous home and whatever it was that happened with his mother. God - poor lad. Studying, getting quiet time or even sleeping with two young kids in the room from 8.30 every evening is impossible in the longer term. He needs his own space or you’re going to have a very very unhealthy and unhappy situation for everyone. Remember too that your Dh was his Dd long before you all came on the scene so try to keep things no more stressful than they have to be for him emotionally. This is the only way to make everyone’s lives easier however much you might feel he has to stop being ‘ungrateful’. Try to remember that he does not need to feel ‘grateful’ to his father for housing him. That is his fathers job. He signed up to that when he fathered the lad. You signed up to it when you married his dad. I presume your ash didn’t keep his previous family a secret from you? You chose a man who was a father - by extension you chose his existing children too. What you should always do is imagine how you’d feel if say, he remarried, had yet more kids and the situation was one in which your own children found themselves as teenagers. That will give you the only true perspective on how you should see things for the older boy.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:10

pineapplesundae · 01/01/2025 17:43

How about partition your bedroom off for the little ones and let dss have the kids room?

I think this is an even better idea. Especially considering the trauma the boy has been in. He needs the room more than anyone else.

montelbano · 02/01/2025 04:11

Pippyls67 · 02/01/2025 01:03

As someone whose parented teenage boys you simply have to give him his own space. He will be under enormous stress with school, exams, relationships, hormones and so on let alone having had his life thrown upside down by moving out of his previous home and whatever it was that happened with his mother. God - poor lad. Studying, getting quiet time or even sleeping with two young kids in the room from 8.30 every evening is impossible in the longer term. He needs his own space or you’re going to have a very very unhealthy and unhappy situation for everyone. Remember too that your Dh was his Dd long before you all came on the scene so try to keep things no more stressful than they have to be for him emotionally. This is the only way to make everyone’s lives easier however much you might feel he has to stop being ‘ungrateful’. Try to remember that he does not need to feel ‘grateful’ to his father for housing him. That is his fathers job. He signed up to that when he fathered the lad. You signed up to it when you married his dad. I presume your ash didn’t keep his previous family a secret from you? You chose a man who was a father - by extension you chose his existing children too. What you should always do is imagine how you’d feel if say, he remarried, had yet more kids and the situation was one in which your own children found themselves as teenagers. That will give you the only true perspective on how you should see things for the older boy.

Edited

What effect do you think it will have on the two younger boys when they are pushed out of their bedroom and have to share one room with their parents? Four people in one room ( that in itself is unhealthy); one in another. Do the two younger children not count? They will very quickly be angry and aggrieved , and with justification.
A well constructed partition in the main bedroom will allow the two youngest to have bunk beds and the older boy to have a single bed.
And....He will have private space because he can have the study all to himself for gaming , study, etc.
If you read the thread, the boys father did not know he was the father until several years ago when the new partner of his ex did a DNA test.

It is a very complex situation but over accommodating the needs of one child will have repercussions for the other children. The dss is being given shelter, food, love, warmth, companionship, security and safety. Having to share a bedroom does not have to be a great hardship as he will have a secure study all to himself.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:17

Owl55 · 01/01/2025 18:57

Some people are being very unreasonable , this family can’t afford to move at the moment and are trying to make the best of it for everyone involved , yes it’s not easy for anyone , she is trying her best !

The thing I don't like is OP's attitude. She has called him names and saying this traumatised boy is being 'ungrateful' and a 'brat', when he is basically a bog standard boy pleading for his needs. Her attitude to this poor boy is vicious, and I wonder if he picks up on it. If I were her husband I would be very concerned about my wife's attitude to my child. I'm not convinced its a safe place for the boy, given how irrational and unreasonable and vicious the OP comes across. Perhaps, given the OPs vile and hateful attitude, foster care coupled with visiting his father might have been better.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:18

FatsiaJaponicaInTheGarden · 01/01/2025 19:02

"He will be fine".

Hmm have you ever read any studies into trauma or ACEs (adverse childhood experiences).

Please don't just glibly assume people in situations other than you will be fine.

*He found out his dad wasn't his dad while in primary school.

*His mother is suddenly no longer available - you don't need much imagination to think of some scenarios this might be the case.
*He is a teenage boy with all the normal teenage boy issues and discoveries.

*He is being flung into a family that didn't particularly want him or have space for hin

He was expected to share with 2 small children.
He is changing school a few months before GCSEs.
There is professional involvement

There is a lot going on here to just assume someone with all this going on"will be fine". It will likely take a lot of work and investment from OP (who is being amazing) and the boys dad for this to be the case.

Its kind of like saying to someone with a scary medical diagnosis "oh you'll be fine"... Yes they might be but that's missing the real issues here.

I think sometimes people find it hard to think ebyind their social circle and experience.

Quoted just so people later to the thread see this wise post.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:21

Mookie81 · 01/01/2025 19:05

Brat? Another shitty poster here.
What the hell has happened to this place? I've only been on here around 5 years and I've seen a steep decline in the type of people who post on here nowadays. So many vile people, who scarily seem to be raising children.

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Its terrifying isn't it. What worries me is that some of these posters may be parents, when they clearly don't have the capacity to be so. It doesn't say much for their understanding of children or for how safe their own children are. I can guarantee those children will be in 10 to 15 years time regular posters on the We took you to stately homes threads....

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:23

Roundlikeacircleinaspiral · 01/01/2025 19:11

I would get a Murphy bed for you and DH. Let teen have the smaller bedroom and the little ones the bugger bedroom.

It must be disappointing to have gone to the effort you have for it not to have the response you were expecting.

My different sex teens have their own room and I sleep on a recliner chair downstairs. Needs must and all that. The teens get the privacy that they need.

She didn't go to any effort. That's the problem. She just chucked him in with the small children. No thought or effort there.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:25

Shotokan101 · 01/01/2025 20:49

Seriously - it's everyone else's fault and they deserve to also be "disrupted/traumatised" to accommodate his selfish behaviour?

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Wow. And that mocking cartoon of a boy that didn't ask for any of this to happen is EXACTLY why Blossomtoes made the statement she did to you. Your posts are absolutely vile and show zero safeguarding or concern for children, only the selfish adults.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:31

H0210zero · 01/01/2025 21:24

Seriously are you even asking this no 15 year old should be sharing with kids under 10 give him the smaller room. But the two younger kids in the larger one and you and DP should move onto the sofa bed like you had been doing when he was here before. He can't be expected to share at a vital time where he will be doing exams, studying, need chill out time as well as adjusting to the move. Need I say "w@#£ing" he is in the midst of puberty and needs privacy if you can give up a bed EOW when he came there's nothing stopping you giving it up all together. If not then maybe you should look at whether it was a suitable decision to get him to move in full time. My mum brought 7 kids up in a 3 bedroom house and as soon as we hit 12-13 we were always given privacy. My parents used the smaller room with any babies and all other under tens had the largest. Shared. Regardless of sex. The third room was used for the oldest. When it became 2 at teen stage then they converted a dining room. When three hit the teenage stage. My dad adapted a very small room (more cupboard) that didn't fit a bed for me. "I was smaller than the rest and underdeveloped due to disability" I didn't need a full sized bed so he built one in to the side with storage underneath. I used that room until I left at 19 no problem and loved it. By then older siblings had moved on no teenager was ever left without privacy. In fact two of my sisters actually asked to share because my dad had set them up separate and they just weren't used to the quiet. They did grow up together in a shared room but out of choice with a screen. A screen shouldn't be used to section you ger kids from teens. Your DSS is adjusting to living with you as it is. You really don't want to be dealing with younger kids seeing what teenagers get Upton in their rooms. It's disturbing. He needs space.

Seriously are you even asking this no 15 year old should be sharing with kids under 10 give him the smaller room. But the two younger kids in the larger one and you and DP should move onto the sofa bed like you had been doing when he was here before. He can't be expected to share at a vital time where he will be doing exams, studying, need chill out time as well as adjusting to the move. Need I say "w@#£ing" he is in the midst of puberty and needs privacy if you can give up a bed EOW when he came there's nothing stopping you giving it up all together. If not then maybe you should look at whether it was a suitable decision to get him to move in full time.

ABSOLUTELY!! I genuinely believe as I said above, it would have been better for the boy to be place with other family or foster care. "The thing I don't like is OP's attitude. She has called him names and saying this traumatised boy is being 'ungrateful' and a 'brat', when he is basically a bog standard boy pleading for his needs. Her attitude to this poor boy is vicious, and I wonder if he picks up on it. If I were her husband I would be very concerned about my wife's attitude to my child. I'm not convinced its a safe place for the boy, given how irrational and unreasonable and vicious the OP comes across. Perhaps, given the OPs vile and hateful attitude, foster care coupled with visiting his father might have been better."

Its clear from OP's posts that she resents that boy being around, and doesn't want him. And people are a fool if they don't know he's picked up on it. He would be safer not in her 'care'. (personally I think the husband should leave and take all 3 kids with him but I know people will say I am way over-reacting, but, whatever...)

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:33

handsdownthebest · 01/01/2025 21:52

It’s the decline of society that has bred these people along with the decline of the fabric of this country. I can’t see it changing in the near future.
I do feel for the lad and the whole family in this situation but luckily the stepmum is compassionate and trying to do her best.
I hope she succeeds 🤞

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but luckily the stepmum is compassionate

and trying to do her best.

That's sarcasm right? Especially the top one. It can't be genuine.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:35

Kwags · 02/01/2025 00:42

So you think him getting his parents bedroom will solve his situation? Where he sleeps isn't the solution,therapy, counselling,being grateful and being loved is what matters..and yes, if he shares with younger siblings, he will be fine.

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It is not in any way appropriate for a teenage boy to share with young children. That is not remotely appropriate. I am surprised that SS, if they are even involved, would allow it.

Nanof8 · 02/01/2025 04:39

This may not be a popular opinion.
I don't think you should give up your room. He can study and do homework in the study/office. It won't hurt him to share sleeping space with the little ones.
If he's with you for the long term then it needs to be a solution that has the least upset on the family as a whole. You can't/shouldn't change everything just for one family member.
I am sorry that he's going through this, but he's also 15 he's not a child that can't be reasoned with.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:40

Jellybeanz456 · 02/01/2025 00:58

Hahaha behave!! What happens when one of the others kick off that they need there own room should parents sleep in the shed?

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Firstly, neither of the other children had any trauma that involved them leaving what they thought was their dad, and then their mum. Permanently. Not even remotely the same.

The other thing is they are much younger than the 15 year old, who will possibly have left home by the time either reach teens.

Thebellofstclements · 02/01/2025 05:05

GammonAndEgg · 31/12/2024 09:34

Ha! He can ‘want’ as much as he wants.
It’s not ideal for him, but you’ve done your best to make the situation work.

They really haven't done their best at all. They have had 3 kids despite only having enough money for 2. About as irresponsible as you can get.
I knew a family in France who had no money. The parents slept on a pull out sofa in the living room every night for nearly 20 years until their kids moved out, so both children had their own room. That's "doing your best to make the situation work".

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 07:22

Any chance your neighbours have complained about the noise Op?

One 15 year old boy unsettled and pissed off
two young boys probably also feeling somewhat…. unsettled
two stressed adults

All in a tiny two bed flat

itsgettingweird · 02/01/2025 07:34

MerryLiftMass · 31/12/2024 10:03

Have you registered for social housing, I don’t know what part of the country you are in but some areas have shorter waiting lists than others and given how over crowded you are and with what sounds like social services involvement, you may be in a high priority band. It is certainly worth looking into.

Other than that I would definitely looking to move, you might have to downgrade area a little to afford a bigger house but the one you are in isn’t suitable.

In the short term he uses the study in the evenings and weekends. Are the boys sharing the bigger room already? Is it possible to switch the living room and the big bedroom to gain more space and put up a stud, I know you are renting but these don’t have to be permanent they can be fixed to the ceiling with brackets and removed when you move.

I was going to suggest this.

He's probably got a SW as he's been moved for safeguarding. Ask them to support you finding and securing a suitable housing situation. This will come under their remit as it's about the social well-being of the 15yo.

But good luck. You sound very stunned to the needs of your DSS and very grounded after what sounds like a good few years of shock for you all since finding out DP has a son.

oakleaffy · 02/01/2025 07:46

Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone · 31/12/2024 21:09

Sorry just trying to catch up on here as it’s been a busy afternoon. Dp actually spoke to our landlord who has agreed to let us partition the boys room properly as long as we put it back to how it is whenever we move out. He was so nice about it (dp explained the circumstances) . Dss seems calmer too and is happy to have the study for gaming / homework and sleep in the partially partitioned room as he knows it will be sorted out soon to be his own space.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone You must be lovely tenants for your landlord to allow this - What a great outcome!

A stud wall can be made quite easily and screwed to the floor- get a door fitted and job done.

Hope there is a window in both partitions, but have seen bedsits in London where a partition literally cuts a big bay window in two, so both get natural light.

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 07:49

oakleaffy · 02/01/2025 07:46

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone You must be lovely tenants for your landlord to allow this - What a great outcome!

A stud wall can be made quite easily and screwed to the floor- get a door fitted and job done.

Hope there is a window in both partitions, but have seen bedsits in London where a partition literally cuts a big bay window in two, so both get natural light.

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and reckless LL

because i suspect this will be against fire regs

oakleaffy · 02/01/2025 07:50

Thebellofstclements · 02/01/2025 05:05

They really haven't done their best at all. They have had 3 kids despite only having enough money for 2. About as irresponsible as you can get.
I knew a family in France who had no money. The parents slept on a pull out sofa in the living room every night for nearly 20 years until their kids moved out, so both children had their own room. That's "doing your best to make the situation work".

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Well that's their choice, and a bit daft.

Unless they were living on the Île st Louis where property prices are high, they should have moved.
Rents in France and property prices are much cheaper generally than UK.

BoldExpert · 02/01/2025 08:01

oakleaffy · 02/01/2025 07:50

Well that's their choice, and a bit daft.

Unless they were living on the Île st Louis where property prices are high, they should have moved.
Rents in France and property prices are much cheaper generally than UK.

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twenty YEARS and this couple never increased their earning potential to enable a move to a flat with one extra bedroom. that should have been their focus

and it should be the focus of the op and her husband. increasing their earning potential.

BoldAmberDuck · 02/01/2025 08:25

Can you partition your own bedroom which you say is large? Or move into smaller room and put the children in your room with partition. Or you and partner sleep on the sofa bed downstairs and let the children have the bedrooms? It’s not fair at 15 to have to share. He’s been through enough already

SleeplessInWherever · 02/01/2025 08:37

The OP has posted and said their landlord has agreed a solution, and her stepson is happy with it.

People are still coming in with their judgement.

She’s sorted it, and her family (whose opinion actually matters) are happy with the plan.

Maybe we can stop with the criticism and drama now.

Kwags · 02/01/2025 08:52

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:35

It is not in any way appropriate for a teenage boy to share with young children. That is not remotely appropriate. I am surprised that SS, if they are even involved, would allow it.

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I get your point, it may not be appropriate but neither is taking the parents' room. Perhaps he gets the living room like someone had suggested. My only push back is about a child 'unseating' parents.

I also agree that SS should have accessed suitability of the home. The current arrangement should only be very short term with a view of getting the family are bigger place. We also do not know if the mom situation is final but I guess they have to assume it is.

Laurmolonlabe · 02/01/2025 10:26

He can study in the study, keep his things on the shelves you built for him- if he doesn't want to share a bedroom (understandable) get a sofa bed and he can sleep in the living room.

Needanewname42 · 02/01/2025 11:03

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 04:31

Seriously are you even asking this no 15 year old should be sharing with kids under 10 give him the smaller room. But the two younger kids in the larger one and you and DP should move onto the sofa bed like you had been doing when he was here before. He can't be expected to share at a vital time where he will be doing exams, studying, need chill out time as well as adjusting to the move. Need I say "w@#£ing" he is in the midst of puberty and needs privacy if you can give up a bed EOW when he came there's nothing stopping you giving it up all together. If not then maybe you should look at whether it was a suitable decision to get him to move in full time.

ABSOLUTELY!! I genuinely believe as I said above, it would have been better for the boy to be place with other family or foster care. "The thing I don't like is OP's attitude. She has called him names and saying this traumatised boy is being 'ungrateful' and a 'brat', when he is basically a bog standard boy pleading for his needs. Her attitude to this poor boy is vicious, and I wonder if he picks up on it. If I were her husband I would be very concerned about my wife's attitude to my child. I'm not convinced its a safe place for the boy, given how irrational and unreasonable and vicious the OP comes across. Perhaps, given the OPs vile and hateful attitude, foster care coupled with visiting his father might have been better."

Its clear from OP's posts that she resents that boy being around, and doesn't want him. And people are a fool if they don't know he's picked up on it. He would be safer not in her 'care'. (personally I think the husband should leave and take all 3 kids with him but I know people will say I am way over-reacting, but, whatever...)

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What?
How on this earth would it be better for the boy to go into foster care rather than be housed with his Dad and half siblings. How to add to his trauma.

No longer safe to be with mum, and Dad doesn't want me.

And actually there's a shortage of foster carers so the chances are he'd end up in a children's home.