DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

@IdylicDay of course she must have known it was between at least two men because once the original dad found out he wasn't the father she knew exactly who to go looking for to claim child maintenance. What legal rights does he have? He's got a roof over his head and food on the table, we are not talking about a kid in a war torn country for gods sake. So many dramatic people on here who lead perfect lives.

He needs to be housed properly. He currently is not. Was he 'rejected' when he didn't live with OP and her husband permanently? Just because he may live somewhere more suitable, does not mean he is being 'rejected'.

It sound like there were many others, not just two, OP says then had a dna test then dp ex got in touch with other potential fathers

As to what rights he (should) have? The right to privacy. He is a 15 year old teenage boy.

Think about it.

Aside from that, any 15 year old (boy or girl) would go nuts and driven to anger and frustration if they had to share their living and sleeping space with two 6 and 8 year olds, for hours on end!

@IdylicDay he's having his own space in the area currently used as a study for his gaming. He's literally going to be in the same room to sleep and that's it. There's no law in the UK on what age a child should have their own room so as much as everyone would like to give their child their own room it's not always possible and that's fine because the main concern should be that he's safe and the social worker involved clearly thinks he is and is fine with the set up.

Great update OP.
Your landlord sounds like a decent person.
I offered up another suggestion on pg. 20, which might be a quicker, less hassle and cost effective alternative but does the same thing.
It would easier too, to deconstruct when you are able to move.
Good luck with everything.
I'm glad to hear your DSS seems calmer and happier after the chat with his dad.

And you think its appropriate for a 15 year old teenage boy to be sharing sleeping quarters with a 6 year old and an 8 year old?

The room is being partitioned.

Read the updates.

@IdylicDay yes it is different, because he lost his home and one of his parents. Then someone asks his other parent if they can have them and they say "well, sorry, no space ". How do you think that would feel? How do you think him being in foster care would actually be better and that it wouldn't feel like a rejection?

Whichever professional relocated him with his dad obviously considered the living situation at least adequate .Think about that.

It's not ideal, but his rights and most of his needs are covered. He's safe, he has shelter, clothes, warmth, food , education and most importantly he's loved.

And btw, the right to privacy doesn't mean what you think it means.

@IdylicDay doesn't matter what you or I think, it matters that the authorities are happy that he's safe with the OP and it's their opinion that counts not random "won't somebody think of the children" pearl clutchers on MN.

I think you have done the best you can. I hope 2025 is better for all of you.

You keep talking about him being 15, privacy and sharing with his younger half-brothers. What are you actually saying? What is the privacy for if they’re all asleep anyway? Are you saying that he needs privacy for masturbation? I’m sure he’ll work that out if it’s even a thought for him having had his life turned upside down. There are bigger priorities here like a bed, safety, education and a sense of belonging with his dad and family.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone It sounds like the best compromise for now. Hopefully it works out and DSS settles into his new full time home with you.

If you do start a thread about that then I'd leave out the 'step' in any title or comment you post. Otherwise, unfortunately, you will get almost exactly that same type of responses and the thread will be derailed once again

I may have expressed it wrong but I was genuine about the thread.

Taking in a trauma experienced child will be difficult and there's lots of people in mumsnet who have experience and knowledge (far more than me) about supporting someone going through this type of change.

I would also hope that social sevices could provide/signpost some sort of support.

Oh no, I wasn't having a go at you - I think the thread might be a good idea if OP is interested. I was commenting about using the term step to ask for help - I find that usually just muddies the waters with some posters who feel that that should be treated differently

Good to read your very positive update. Hope it all works out for you.
As mentioned by @CandidFruit it might be easier to move the boys into the larger bedroom as it would give them all a bit more room.
Good Luck and happy new year x

Ah yes good point. I just remembered that someone earlier thought I was making a dig at the OP with this remark and I didn't reply at the time!

I presume you are including the needs of the two younger children in your statement or are they unimportant? The family are making the best of things given the circumstances ; there is no magic solution so every member will have to put up with some inconvenience and dissatisfaction. She understands the needs of the whole family not just one person.

And you think it is appropriate for two adults and two children to share one bedroom whilst the dss has a bedroom on his own? Do you not think the youngest two might feel pushed out and rejected? The OP is making the best of a complex situation.

Well done OP.

Ignore the haters, OP. I doubt in your situation they would have been doing any better than you are.

You've all had your lives turned upside down, and you still have the empathy to see how hard it is for him and try to find a solution that works for everyone.

There will be bumps on the road, but it sounds like you are all willing and able to navigate them together.

Brilliant op.
Sounds like your doing all you can for this lad. And that more than anything is what he will feel. Finally someone's trying to go out on the bat for him. So whatever happens thats what youve got to reasure in him. As going forward this poor boy is going to be in a constant state of fight flight and what ifs...whenever anything goes wrong. So like you said before his reactions to most things be it big or small will be coming from a place of fear.
So even in the hard decisions,when you have to say no! Just keep helping him know it's ALL for him, because you want him here and to look after him. And that means you do hard shit together.good and bad, together. That's what he needs now. And he'll hear and see that if what you've written,and how you've written about him here is reality. You sounds like a bloody brilliant safety for him.

Great outcome. Well done OP & DH.

Good outcome, OP.

I do hope the DSS is getting some counselling. Sounds like he has had quite a lot of upheaval in his young life and it's generally best to get ahead of it if you can.

Happy New Year

Great update OP. You sound like a lovely strpmum who could see that your DSS was struggling. Brilliant that the landlord has agreed for you to partition the room properly. That's the perfect solution.

Happy New Year to you all.