People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

People who drop out of society aren't necessarily hiding indoors. They may just be living an alternative lifestyle. You'll find me hiking the wilds frequently. Still take vitamin D though.

I don't have any stats to know whether it is a growing trend amongst young(er) people but, I wonder whether hopelessness is a contributing factor?

The difficulty in gaining employment, unaffordable housing, lowering life expectancy and overall quality of life. Feeling completely politically disengaged and lack of representation. Huge global issues such as climate change becoming ever more tangible but without any agency to influence the decision makers.

It's like the contract between individuals and society is being increasingly eroded and I wouldn't be surprised if the only way some people can cope is by removing themselves.

I'm sure that mental health is also a factor but I guess the question is did depression cause them to drop out or did the dropping out lead to depression?

The window thing is quite comical..Shouty man absent for three times a week.

Well done him though on getting a job.

Most 'kids' want to leave home and be independent.

DS has a house, but his next door neighbour has a ''DC'' whom son calls a lazy arse.

The 'child' of the neighbour is early 30's, his mother is disabled, and the son does fuck all for her.
Won't even take the bins out, or pick up the recycling that blows about.
They have a dog that is NEVER exercised.
It never leaves the house.
It's cruel to have a dog and not walk it, and they live in an area where there are lovely walks.
The son could walk it, but doesn't.

People love to blame the rise of the internet. (Convenient scapegoat though it may be). But I don’t think it’s the internet to blame. Over my lifetime I have seen so many mass closures of jobs, industries etc. With a combination of creative hobbies becoming so expensive (it is much cheaper to buy a jumper than to knit one) mass production, automation, AI replacing not only jobs but creative activities that people could engage in and the cost of living making opportunities less accessible; people are becoming less engaged. Also, the world can be incredibly cruel, xenophobic, contemptuous of people who don’t quite fit the mold or who can’t afford as much or who aren’t considered good looking enough or young enough or old enough etc.

We are becoming increasingly insular. We are creating a world of limited opportunities and less equality. It’s little wonder that people would want to disengage from that.

Threads like this make me realise that there are many like me. I haven't so much given up on life as given up on people.

I could quite happily never speak to another person again and I am very content. I can study things that interest me, make my paintings and sell them online, go to exhibitions, go out for coffee, go swimming. All blissfully without speaking to anyone.

Now I'm old, had a family, I don't have to try anymore. The relief is indescribable.

I do realise that this is very different to the young people that have never really given life a chance.

I do wonder about the cost of housing.
If a young person lives in London, the cost is astronomical.

I was born and bred in Richmond,{ London} but had to move away to buy a place.

But year on year, houses have got harder to buy, and mortgages are much tougher to get.

Renting is dead money, and second home owners and air B&B owners are buying up the smaller first time buyer homes.

No council houses {a friend said her friend put her name on the Council List when she was pregnant, and her daughter is 17{yrs} now, and they STILL haven't got a council place.

The thing about people is that there are some very good ones out there. I'm a good, loyal friend who would always be there for you. There are other people like that out there. I admit they are hard to find. Most people are out for themselves.

I think it's important to have connections. I'm just rethinking how that looks for me in the new year. It's more due to lack of emotional energy than anything.

when he left, he had forgotten three post it notes stuck to a bookcase. One said ‘eat’, one said ‘breathe’ and one said ‘move

That is one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. That poor young man. I'm not suggesting you could or should have done anything to help. But wow - how heartbreaking.

I don't think there are many people who completely drop out of life. Most of the people on this thread who say they have, haven't really.
Some have a partner and/or children - that's a huge 'life success' and means you interact with people at a level far beyond many manage.
Some have a job - even if it's working from home, that's still a purpose and makes you engage with the world.
Some have a friend or two or a meaningful hobby - that's not nothing.

In many ways I could be considered a 'life failure/drop out'. I live on my own, never had a long term relationship, have no children, struggle to connect with people on a deep level, have some mental health issues and am basically a middle aged crazy cat lady. I don't own a home and struggle with basic life admin. But in other ways, I'm definitely not. I have a full time, fulfilling teaching job that I love, I have lots of friends (though not many close ones) and active creative hobbies that takes me out of the house and into a large group of people up to 4 nights a week. I've travelled a lot, mostly solo, adventure type stuff. I see friends and I do volunteer work. My income is relatively limited but I'm completely independent.

I think most of us are a similar mixture of traditional success points and traditional failure points. Few people have it all and few people have nothing. I feel desperately sad for those that really don't have anything. I only know one person I could put in that category really and it's purely mental illness and addiction related.

I also think it's partly about what society sees as okay and normal and what it judges. I'm as guilty of that as anyone. Someone who lives mostly in their room eating takeaways and playing video games/surfing the internet, I would classify as having 'nothing' in their lives. But someone who lives mostly in their room playing music, reading or drawing I would see differently. I'd see them as solo but valid hobbies that make the person's life worthwhile and I don't see gaming like that. But that's not to say gaming isn't worthwhile and enriching - it's just not something I personally understand.

People like this have always existed. I had an uncle, born mid 1930’s, lived with his mother till she died and was then forced to move out and live independently for the first time when he was 40. Rented a flat, over time he developed a platonic relationship with an older widow next door, co-lived with her until she died and he died soon after. Didn’t really ever expand his life experiences, never married and doubt he ever had sex, separate bedroom from his lady housemate, no kids, hardly ever worked & preferred welfare, never owned or drove a car, never travelled except on foot to the local shops. Entertainment was radio or tv. Lived to the ripe old age of 83, never worried nor cared about a thing, an easy but boring life.

@miniaturepixieonacid Sounds like you have a very full and successful life :)

@miniaturepixieonacid Mad cat lady on acid! ...There's a gif for that!

What exactly is an "adult relationship," and why are they necessary?

And how would one make an "adult relationship" if no one else approaches them?

@Scutterbug I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Sending you kind thoughts and hope you get the help you need

@Coaster99 Didn’t really ever expand his life experiences, never married and doubt he ever had sex, separate bedroom from his lady housemate, no kids, hardly ever worked & preferred welfare, never owned or drove a car, never travelled except on foot to the local shops.

The way you are framing this is ridiculous because you make it sound as if he could have chosen to marry, have sex, and have children if he wanted to. This requires a willing partner, so clearly it's not an option for everyone for various reasons.

@stargirl1701 may I ask what you’re doing to prevent that situation with your daughter? I’ve got a 17 year old dd, also autistic, who is currently not in education or work. She’s desperate to re engage with life but just can’t manage it currently yet won’t accept any help either.

I'm surprised that so many people choose not to leave their homes at all. It's well established that fresh air, exercise, daylight and being in nature are all good for physical and mental health.

Oi. I'm over 50 and not averse to giving my DH a good telling off and was the same with previous boyfriends , and my sons. I'm surrounded by males but if you asked them who they were most afraid of getting in trouble with they would all point to me.
Equally if you asked them who loved them the most they would all point to me.
I think you might be thinking of the 1950's rather than 50 yo women. Check out the 1970's and 80's. We were wild!! (1980's best decade ever sigh)
Oh and I don't have any internalised mysoginy - hate that term btw.

Agreed..Lol at your username..One of my dog's favourite words.

Having a dog makes me go out every day- a bit grim at this time of year, but always feel better after a walk.

I am worried about my son developing this tendency. He finished high school recently (Aus) and has no plans. He has until tomorrow to come up with something tangible and evidence that he is doing something before he loses all devices. I will be taking him to the GP and booking counselling (which he is very much resistant to for some reason) and riding his case constantly - letting him know that I can’t give up on him. My brother lives like this and he’s 50, has never worked and simply doesn’t understand why nobody’s buying him the dream card he feels entitled to, etc, like my mother used to do. (She very much enabled his Golden Boy lifestyle by vehemently denying his drug use, stealing and wastrel behaviour, but it broke him because reality doesn’t bend to his will and nobody protects him from it anymore.)

At first, I wasn't quite sure why I was bothered by the comments from posters saying how they won't go out because of other people, or it's simply people in general who they don't care for. From what I can tell, those posters aren't hurting anyone by staying home and not interacting with others (as long as they aren't mooching off family and friends). But I reread this thread and realized it's the nihilism of these posters that feels chilling. If you say you truly can't stand other people, that means all of us commenting on this board, or anyone you may run into at the shop, on the street, the delivery driver or anyone else in the normal course of living. If others are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, why can't you assume good of others too? Of course, many people can behave awfully, but most people are not doing anything wrong most of the time.

When you've been hurt so much, so consistently and by so many people and the nice ones aren't labelled, you can develop a lack of trust in all people and keeping away from them is the easiest way not to get hurt again.

Except that nowadays, the air quality outside is shit because the middle class are copying what they see on TV and buying SUVs. Which means that when you go outside, the air may be doing more harm than good.

I can see how that would happen, I am not trying to be insensitive. But, isn't there any joy in a simple 'hello how sunny it is' conversation with a grocer or a shopkeeper? Is it just close relationships you're speaking of or everyone one encounters on a daily basis?

I'm mid 40's and I have dropped out of life. I'm unemployed, on benefits and rarely leave my flat. I've been like this for a few years. I never thought I would end up like this. But I'm not interested anymore. I don't even open my curtains. And if my benefits were not available I'm fairly confident that I would just stay here and starve to death.

But, I used to have a different life. Career, social life, travelling, sports, friends. These things didn't come easy, I had a traumatic childhood. Also nothing felt natural to me, I was trying to be normal. I did that very well and got promotions at work and was always popular. But I was always bullied at work and I was very frequently taken advantage of/sexually assaulted by men. I was so resilient and kept picking myself up again and fighting on. But the same things happened to me repeatedly. I'm exhausted and traumatised now. I can't make that effort anymore.

I hardly ever leave home now. I'm waiting for an asd assessment. I honestly tried so hard to have a good, positive and contributing life but I've run out of will or energy. I'm almost certain that I have lived with undiagnosed asd, and I have finally run out of steam.

I know that people judge me and are confused by how I have changed.