People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

@PeachBlossom1234 so many of us have become resistant to going out since the pandemic I reckon. That was the moment when phone addiction became fully entrenched. For me anyway. It’s so easy to live through a screen (like now, I should be in bed). Hope you are well now.

I remember watching a documentary about it being a growing problem in Japan, mainly with young men.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori

Hikikomori as a condition in which the affected individuals refuse to leave their parents' house, do not work or go to school, and isolate themselves from society and family in a single room for a period exceeding six months.

Depression can be horrific i just don't think people can understand sometimes. I had pnd after the birth of my first child and I lost interest in everything. It felt like I was made of lead. Food tasted like ash. I didn't want to go outside or have anyone look at me or speak to me. It felt like everyone was whispering about me.
I only got out of bed to do basic care for the baby... and then if my husband had days off work I wouldn't get out of bed at all.
And I wasn't doing anything in bed.. not reading or watching anything. Just drifting in and out of sleep.
Once he had 3 days off work in a row and I lay there for 3 days only getting up to use the loo and drink water from the tap.
My DH brought food up but I didn't even eat any of it.
He convinced me to go on antidepressants and link in with the mental health team in the end.
Embarrassing as I had been working in mental health myself.
But I was totally felled by this.
Luckily I recovered completely and have never felt anything approaching that since. And I was only on antidepressants 6 months.
But it's terrifying really. It gave me extra compassion for the people I encounter.
I'm not usually like that at all.. I have so many interests and friends.. am a long distance hiker, I love music, going on nights out, travel, painting, reading... all of that just vanished. I wanted to melt into nothing.

And depression isn't the only mental health issue that can prevent you from engaging with life.
And then there's neuro divergence..
It's really not as simple as 'just force them somehow'
You can't get someone with a broken leg to walk just by refusing to acknowledge their leg is broken or putting them in a situation where there's even more pressure on them to walk. You actually have to fix the broken leg.

@starstar84 . I'm in a HMO with 5 others at the weekend as I'm away in the week as a truck driver. No one really speaks in the house though . Just a quick hello in passing.
I no the way I live is wrong but I can't get out of the hole and I think a lot of people are probably stuck in the same cycle as myself

My brother lives like this in my elderly father's house. He never coped with life from the very beginning. He is now 46. My Dad is 79. He is diagnosed dyslexic but I suspect ADHD and autism (with PDA) too.

I am focused on my eldest DC not following that path. She is autistic.

@Yellowshirt i agree, it’s really easy to become isolated and stuck especially when you’re a bit older and others have paired off. It’s not your fault - our society is set up for us to be lonely unfortunately. If you don’t have a family unit you need to make a massive effort to not be alone, and that’s scary and sometimes just really difficult depending on where you live and circumstances. It’s very unfair.

I think my Dad was kind of like this, spent years unemployed, sleeping in, watching tv all day, smoking. Would still go out to the pub and play pool. He basically lived in the lounge and it was a tip, when my parents divorced Mum and me reclaimed it and spent hours cleaning and scraping the walls. This would later become a reoccurring event for me. He did have bursts of working, training and enthusiasm and there were a few years when he had a good job, nice car and took me out regularly. There were also jobs he absolutely slaved at and never even took holiday. But he never put down roots anywhere and always lived as a lodger or in HMO’s. I can see now he definitely suffered from depression but also he developed a progressive neurological condition and I think this was an early sign.
I think mental health problems are often behind this. But I also am not surprised it’s happening more, young people have it much harder now financially, housing costs are a joke and have been for a while, but with bills it’s virtually impossible. I think if a modest home was affordable to someone in their early twenties let alone late thirties this would not be so common.

I will say the poster who said there is little the outside world has to offer that isn’t ruined by having to endure other people has truly hit the nail on the head. My hobby that I love is currently being ruined by an annoying person, so I'm close to giving it up and just not leaving the house except for walks.

Don't give up your hobby! Why is the person annoying? Surely there's something you could do.. like talk to them about it? Or somehow engineer it sothey couldn't do the annoying thing any more??

Such a good way to put it. I reckon most of these people would love to have a real friend to spend time with.

I remember being on maternity leave, having postnatal depression and not wanting to go out.

People would try and encourage me to get out, but all my friends were at work...and all I would encounter from strangers would be rudeness or indifference.

It's been 5 years, but I can still remember the handful of times when a stranger showed kindness - it shouldn't be that way for a mother with a new baby.

I have dropped out of life following a horrific trauma. I do still work (from home). I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I simply do not have the emotional energy.

I worked until a couple years ago but I used to just cry in the car on the way there. I get absolutely nothing out of life, zilch. I have never seen the appeal of being alive to be honest. I'm looking to get a job soon but absolutely dreading it because I'm incompetent at everything, have OCD so check everything many times which makes me incredibly slow. I actually view it as me being a liability to any job. I worked on a till for a bit and occasionally the money would be out and I missed some items during stocktake so I can't even count or do a NMW job it appears.

I dropped out of uni twice, used to cry in the car at lunchtime, even though I made a couple friends and the tutors were ok I chose to be alone at lunch. I just didn't want to do it and got nothing out of it. I'm just not cut out for life. Now I have anxiety on top of depression things are even worse. I'm more baffled anyone enjoys life but no one can explain it to me (likewise I can't explain why I hate it) as it's just chemicals in the brain making you enjoy life.

Your understanding of the situation people find themselves stuck in is very good.
I can't blame family for the rutt I'm in at all.

The hobby is a team sport and she will break the same rule of the sport over and over again and then she will stand there and apologise a million times instead of continuing to play. Rinse and repeat a 100 times per game.

I need to figure out a way to say something without sounding like a bitch.

You can drive. Look at home delivery jobs for a supermarket maybe. They may even offer you something part time to build your confidence.
My job has helped me

It's probably the rise of the internet...and parents supporting this lifestyle for kids and then keeping them funded {to afford take aways &c} It's pretty sad to be living with parents in one's Thirties.

Something is very broken with society at the moment.

I completely agree with this.

Back in the day I loved to socialise, worked in public facing positions, but as I’m getting older, I can’t be bothered with people generally.
I think I’ve had my fill of the public and small talk.
I like my own company, I like chill out and relax and unwind and not have to listen to other people’s dramas.

I keep my circle small as I can’t be bothered with the bullshit of people and the competitiveness.

I can now see the bliss in living in the middle of the country with no neighbours and just have peace and quiet.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than joining a club as I don’t need or want any more friends.

I sound a bit miserable but I’m happy. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going from activity to activity

I've never been a confident driver either. My parents basically booked me driving lessons at 17 because otherwise I never would've learnt. I have to be forced into everything. I've not driven further than the shops in 2 years.

Yeah just say something. You shouldn't have to give up your hobby. Maybe she doesn't realise you'd prefer her to just get on with playing instead of wasting time apologising?

@DivineHour I 100% agree with you. But it’s not only disturbing it’s a bit funny. I am close to 50 and laughed when I read that.

I only know one woman who has the ‘man is head of the household’ attitude and she is much younger than me. It has to do with her religious beliefs and nothing to do with her age or generation.

What a fantastic idea. Make life harder for someone already clearly struggling or in need of help. Nothing like punishing someone for their struggles. Not to mention the regret if they decide it's all too hard and decide they are really done with the world.

Most people I know are staying in tonight by themselves {New Year's Eve} and not going out.

Not even the younger ones {30's}

Then are staying in with their Dogs or Cats.

I remember the pressure to ''have fun'' on NYE, and just feeling really massively lonely- going to Parties , but if one doesn't drink they are a bit flat.

My best friend’s brother dropped out of life when we were 20. He was a year younger but seemed to be stuck at age 13/14 years old.

His parents shop for him once a week and visit other times. He never leaves his flat but now plays online and is often very outspoken on Facebook.

25 years later and we have started to chat about what role my friend will have as his parents age ( recent illness has brought this to the fore).

We also have a neighbour who lives in a family owned house on his own and plays video games all night on his own standing in front of the window shouting. Recently he got a job in a fish and chip shop so his window is empty three times a week.

This lifestyle is probably more common than we would think.

One of DH’s siblings leads a very quiet life, she works remotely and loves her animals, but has far less human interaction. I think she has some MH struggles.

I think it’s fine to have a very quiet life as long as you’re not expecting someone else to fund it for you and do all the tasks that you don’t particularly enjoy.