People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

My question is, how do they fund these lifestyles? Do their parents give them money for takeaways, drinks and gaming?

I guess I qualify as somebody who has dropped out of life.

I have no job, no friends, no hobbies.
I don’t leave the house.
I only see my family day to day or occasionally a delivery driver.

I have severe anxiety so my life is very small. It makes me very suicidal.

It’s probably easier to do it nowadays than it used to be. Back when people were so concerned about what the neighbours thought, that in itself might have been a good motivation to keep going. Also, it might have been more boring to stay at home before the internet was invented.

I remember watching a documentary about it being a growing problem in Japan, mainly with young men.

There have always been people with limited lives but I agree this is so squalid. There are a million quiet interests that people used to have (still have in a lot of cases) like allotment gardening, church, train spotting, stamp collecting, pigeon fancying, rabbit keeping, reading, walking, local history, birdwatching. Even going to the pub and sitting silently at the end of the bar requires more socially appropriate behaviour than this and will lead to a few conversationsand a place in the community. Very sad.

Very sad. Like the living dead. Some poor mother would likely have put some effort in birthing and raising them and that ends up with this. A family member is a GP and sees this frequently it’s hard to treat.

@Scutterbug I hope you are able to get help and support. Anxiety is bloody awful to live with. My best to you x

@PermanentTemporary

I get your point that you mentioned that you quoted interests of bygones times (but you say nowadays too too) but personally as an introvert I’d be hard pushed to be motivated to take up pigeon keeping, rabbit keeping or stamp collecting as interests. Still, I accept there are diverse interests to be pursued as your op suggests.

I have a friend whose brother is like this. He's in his mid thirties, has never had a job in his life, he's obese, sleeps all day and is up all night playing video games usually shouting loudly waking his Mother up who he lives with rent free.

He doesn't claim any benefits, his DM pays for his 'lifestyle'. My friend is a bit embarrassed about the whole situation, and rarely talks about him, it's like he doesn't exist.

I suspect there's some loneliness from the DM which is why she's happy to have him there. I guess when she eventually dies he will live off her inheritance (she's fairly wealthy) until he dies.

Well it's either the parents enabling the lifestyle in the first place, or genetic addiction or mental health issues.

I agree - there's a halfway house that's almost as bad with people who do work but just go there and come home again with no socialising or hobbies or real responsibilities (as they still live at the family home)

@LeaveALittleNote
I think that there have always been people like this. I know a 62 yr old female who lives a very similar life. She was on CB radio in the 80's, met and married a very odd man and neither of them works, although he did for short periods of time as a taxi driver. They now live on benefits in a coastal town, he plays video games and she is on the internet all day.
They are like two pieces of a jigsaw that have found each other.
The marriage is unconsummated.

@NonComm sounds like they are likely neurodiverse.

The problem is that if you don't conform to habits/behaviours that society expects you'll be deemed as somehow less.

Not everyone wants to lead the same kind of life.

Some people are really content leading "small" lives.

Not everyone with this kind of lifestyle smokes weed or has mental health problems.

Travelling and socialising aren't fun for everyone. Why should people conform to what society expects if it isn't what makes them happy?

Of course, people who are spending their days eating badly, drinking heavily, and suffering mental health problems are a different matter altogether.

But particularly among the neurodivergent community, a small and quiet life can be absolutely fucking bliss.

@Scutterbug has bravely come on the thread and said this is their life too, for a specific reason, and sounds like they live alone. Only one person picked up on this, others having warmed to the "man scrounging off parents" trope. There are many reasons why people live like this, and yes, some will be scrounging, but many will be like Scutterbug - my DD21 is currently trying to overcome a very severe form of anxiety and attend uni after having over 5 years housebound. If she can't cope, she'll be back in her room/watching TV etc. Why do people think there is always a cure for mental illness, that treatment always works, or that things like having a nice walk and healthy eating is going to help? Is it to reassure themselves?

@SecretSoul I think we are saying similar things - some people either have to live this way, or are very content to do so. Just because they don't conform then it can't be ok for MN can it, oh no we can't have that.

The parents need to remember they are still parents to a 30 year old and they need to sort his shit out.

Sounds like depression or neurodiversity that makes it hard for them to cope with the world, or some other issue that runs deeper than just choosing to drop out of the world.

I've semi-dropped out of the world, but do keep a couple of close friends, some acquaintances and have worked from home from time to time. I have interest groups. I'm considering cutting this back next year. For me, it's a series of traumas that have done it and realising that I actually like it this way and stuff what the world thinks I should do. I don't actually like the world that much anyway.

I think some people find this easier than dealing with life sadly. It’s like clinging on to childhood in a way, not growing up and taking responsibility, not earning a wage or making adult relationships.

You can't sort out an adult who doesn't want to be sorted out.

@PreferMyAnimals
What do you think about the fact that you only take and not give from other people?

E.g. the farmers that produce your food, the workers at the sewage facility that your house eventually uses, the engineers at the power plant that produces the electricity/gas that you use. They all work and hence give something to other people, rather than just take.

Quite honestly those two sound like two neuro divergent people who have migrated towards each other and have difficulty dealing with society in general and are probably asexual as physical interaction is too much.

I had a conversation like this earlier with my FIL about a neighbours adult son who's in his mid fifties who's house and garden looks like it's going to shit following his mums sudden death about 18 months ago (they lived together).I think it's likely he's on the spectrum and he's like many other adults like himself who's simply fallen through the NHS's/mental health services nets and has never been recognised,diagnosed and given the professionnel support needed.

The problem is often made worse by family members such as parents who aren't able/ready to accept these people have serious issues and need help to intergrate into society and instead are very ableist and facilitated their unhealthy behaviours such as being a recluse and gaming addictions.

Somebody is enabling them to be like this. The solution is to cut off their funding source.

I give all the time to other people in the community and you don't know what work I do. I also consider I've done plenty of generous giving in the past so am probably in credit on that front. What a huge assumption.

And watch the suicide rate increase?

Agree that this isn't a new thing, although one would hope that in these times of greater understanding of MH difficulties and neuro diversity, we'd have got better at coming up with strategies to support people who cannot cope with anything more than the most stripped down lives. Seems that we haven't, which is sad.