People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

My brother has had episodes in his life like this but because his mental illness’s is so severe he spends most of his time sectioned in hospital. There are loads of people who are not quite as bad as him but still very ill. They can end up like this or homeless. Threads like this make me very sad. No one asks why someone suffering from nasty types of cancer might find it tough to get out and about.

I can only speak from my own experience. I spent years unable to speak to anyone at all not in my absolute immediate family, saying 'hello' to a shop keeper would've filled me with absolute terror with no hint of joy at all. I was able to communicate with people in my family and absolutely nobody else because of the things I had been put through I couldn't trust anyone at all unless I had known them basically my whole life.

@TheaBrandt such a disgraceful comment. My mother doesn't regret birthing me and I am sure doesn't think "I've ended up with THIS'

I think this is a really dumbed down and emotionally manipulative way to look at
It tbh.

My BIL checked out of life as a teenager. Reclusive, cannibis user, unable to hold down a job, living with his parents and doing f all to contribute to the household, regularly stole from his siblings to fund drug habit. Dickhead to everyone especially if they dared to point out what a waste of space he was.

My PIL eventually did chuck him out.... at the age of almost 40.... when he was found to be seriously breaking the law... Caused them to have to move as their house was being targetted etc. Almost destroyed mine and DH's lives too for reasons I won't go into. As far as I know he is still alive but lives elsewhere now. I daresay his parents still fund him heavily. They also paid big money for him go go to rehab at least once that I know of.

It's easy to say he needed the support and blah blah blah undiagnosed autism blah blah blah mental health but imo he just got himself into really damaging behaviour patterns and a lot of the heartbreak could have been prevented if my ILs had zero tolerance for his bullshit the minute he turned 18 and stopped enabling such vile and antisocial behaviour. Tbh I've lost all respect for my ILs. They have failed to grow a backbone and parent one son. They have failed to make any acknowledgement of the impact that this has had on their other son's life even though it had a profound impact on myself, my DH and our child. As a result they now have a strained and superficial relationship with us and their grandchild.

Tbh I couldn't give a shit what reasons my BIL is like he is. There are rules in society for a reason and it's nobody else's job to wipe your backside and sit by and watch you hurt other people if you decide to deviate from those rules. There is no way I will ever enable any child of mine to so royally take the piss tbh because I've seen the effect that has.

@Diomi thank you for your post. This thread is making me feel so sad too.

@Delphinium20 But I reread this thread and realized it's the nihilism of these posters that feels chilling. If you say you truly can't stand other people, that means all of us commenting on this board, or anyone you may run into at the shop, on the street, the delivery driver or anyone else in the normal course of living. If others are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, why can't you assume good of others too? Of course, many people can behave awfully, but most people are not doing anything wrong most of the time.

It shouldn't be chilling. I wouldn't wish harm on people who haven't harmed me. I maintain professional relationships with people I work with.

You're saying that "others are willing to give [me] the benefit of the doubt," but the issue is that this statement is not correct. I discovered some years ago that the people I worked with did not view me as a person, and would not care if something bad happened to me. Those people only cared about their own friends and families, and would think absolutely nothing of harm coming to anyone else.

This is probably true of many people in society- think about the scene in the movie 'Parasite' when the wealthy man was more concerned his son who had fainted, rather than the daughter of another man who had just been stabbed.

All I wish to do is make sure I never make the same mistake again of trusting people who do not give a shit about me. So now in the workplace, my interactions are polite enough and professional, but I always need to be mindful that I have to look out for myself because no one else will.

You can't trust people you bump into in your day to day life, so don't allow them to be in a position in which they can cause harm. Remember that for most people (but not all, of course), probably the only people who truly care and that you can trust is your own family.

so your example is one of fear of others, not dislike, if I'm hearing correctly. I'm very sorry, if that is the case.

I'm not sure how I would describe the feelings I had towards people I felt scared of them, wary, distrustful, I think I did also dislike people as well though and other things mixed in I'm not sure of. I would just wish I could live on a deserted island or that I would die to be away from people. I didn't mix with them so I was never rude or hateful actually to anyone it was just all inside myself.

The people I know like this suffer from severe rejection sensitive dysphoria. The urge to avoid situations is powerful and once you’ve not managed to get into work as a very young adult it’s impossible to break the cycle. Ruminating nonstop and managing emotional pain is a source of shame and all consuming.

My uncle lived with his mother until she died ( at 100) He was 75yo I think. It was a little house, he had a few odd jobs but they never lasted. He had one gf butthat didn't last either. He's never travelled o/s actually I don't think he has ever left the state he lives in. Since GM died he's a bundle of joy . I think they were co-dependent. He needed her money and she needed him for work around the house, lifts, companioinship etc. Completely bizarre. His 2 brothers left home in their teens ( this was along time ago, got jobs, got married, had families etc). He is also incredibly smart but mad as a hatter ( though seems better now).
Strange that it is almost always males.

So you would describe it not as loneliness then? Or do you wish you didn't feel that way?

No, I've never felt lonely. I can now interact with people but outside of very few people I don't feel like people as a whole add anything to my life and I'm not unhappy that I felt that way and felt that need to protect myself outside of obviously being very upset at the reason why I felt that in the first place if that makes sense.

Could have chosen to marry etc….
But he didn’t, instead he chose exactly what I stated. Clearly my uncle didn’t want these things in life and it was certainly not due to his choice of housemate. The lady housemate was also not looking for a lover/partner/marriage/children. Cohabitating was a good thing for them, slightly larger abode with 2 bedrooms, split the rent/bills, safety and protection being together, companionship. The platonic nature of their relationship was stated as such by them from the outset and was obvious to my Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, my Husband, my children, all of whom visited them over the decades.

Some people are reclusive either naturally or as result bad experiences or poor mental health. As long as they are not harming anyone else then I don't see the problem - eating takeaways and playing Minecraft all night hurts nobody but themselves. In contrast, plenty 'functional' people get ahead by terrorising others and being selfish and wasteful which I think is worse but is somehow more socially acceptable than being an introvert.

I'm a bit like this. I am the living dead. Can't wait to die to be honest, won't force its hand but wouldn't be sad about it. I have a multitude of illnesses, some visible some not. I still fulfill my caring role but other than that, nothing. Don't have any energy left or walking ability in a day to do anything at all.

Why do people think there is always a cure for mental illness, that treatment always works, or that things like having a nice walk and healthy eating is going to help? Is it to reassure themselves?

Exactly. Sometimes mental illness can’t be cured. Some depressions are treatment resistant. Even ‘successful treatment’ of intense anxiety can still mean a recurrence of anxiety - more than once.

Life is difficult for so many people that I’ve come to realise that very very often it’s not the people who are ‘at fault’, it’s the society we live in.

You can nearly always rely on one thing though - People being quick to judge others.

Just wanted to express my sympathy. I also know someone who has willingly 'checked out of life' by refusing to take on any responsibilities, living at home, sponging off parents and has turned into a horrible, utterly selfish, abusive person who wreaks havoc on those around them. It is crippling to see their parents enabling this because the person is so emotionally manipulative they have a meltdown with any slight boundaries. Honestly, they should have been chucked out years ago.

Obviously, not every case is the same but your story hit home to me.

My adult nephew is like this. Dropped out of Uni (where he had lived independently), and moved in - uninvited - to live with my BIL who happened to be staying with MIL as he was post divorce in-between selling/buying a property. The onward purchase never happened and they've both been there ever since - it must be 7+ years. He never goes out, has no job or social life and is enabled by BIL. My MIL hates it.
The extended family visited for Xmas. We saw him for lunch and unwrapping gifts then he disappeared off to play video games.
My BIL has suffered from health scares (heart attacks) in the past and no one knows what Nephew will do when his dad (60+) does die.

I can relate.

@Coaster99 But he didn’t, instead he chose exactly what I stated. Clearly my uncle didn’t want these things in life and it was certainly not due to his choice of housemate.

How do you know he chose to be single? It's usually the case that people are single because no one approaches them; is that not more probable?

You have presented this as a false dichotomy in saying "well he chose to be single because he chose to cohabit with an older widow instead." Maybe the reality is that he would be single regardless of what he did, and his choice was between living alone or cohabiting with someone else?

@mnreader I understand what you’re saying- if you have no safety net, you do have to battle on, because you don’t have a choice, unless you’re willing to become homeless and in my case, also losing my children. You’re forced to get help, because you have to work and function.

That's a bit different to the example I was thinking of where none of those specific patterns existed. Just a young person overwhelmed with coping with the world with depression who decided to end their life. Having seen the devastation THAT has on siblings and the destruction to their life, I would not easily give up on supporting a child who was struggling. I know sometimes you have to make the painful decision to put distance there and yes, that might cause havoc in other people's lives, but the havoc caused by a suicide can't be underestimated either.

@ForAmberQuoter I agree that mental illnesses frequently can’t be cured. Some types can be managed so the sufferer can function and sometimes they have no choice but to function. If you can’t afford to lose your job, you have to go to work even if you’re having panic attacks, for example. Life isn’t easy for many people.

Please ❤️ don’t judge others until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes - some people are doing their very best by just simply getting through the days, or the nights, however uncomfortable that may appear to others, who may have less complex issues to cope with xx

@Areolaborealis thank you for sticking up for us recluses. Living this way is not satisfying or joyful.

I am not taking from friends or family, I don't manipulate people.

I sometimes feel suicidal, and I really feel like the world would be better without me, because I am giving nothing to this world. I am using up the worlds infinite resources, even oxygen, just to stay alive and exist inside my flat....that I never leave. I am completely worthless. I'm taking benefits from the government, the working people. I feel horrific about myself because of this.

The only thing that I ever really wanted in life was for my presence here to have left the world a little better than it would have been if I had never existed. I was doing really well on that front until a few years ago when I crashed.

Do the people on this thread who have negative feelings towards those who are not partaking in life. What should I do???? I don't like or want the way things are. Should I demise to save resources? What is the other option? Do you believe that some people are not cut out to be able to cope with modern life????