People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

@PreferMyAnimals please don't rise to these unpleasant comments.

Most people, do what they can. What people can do, isn't always valued.

I think it is often depression or undiagnosed MH issues. I have been to the homes of a few elderly people as part of my job where they have disclosed that they have sons living this type of life in their homes. These adults refuse to see a GP despite their parents encouragement, often live off their parents etc. One elderly couple told me that their son led a normal life until one day a few years back he just walked out of his job and retired to his bedroom and has not left the house since. He lives off them, won't see a GP and GP won't come to the house or speak to parents without son's consent which he won't give so it just goes on. They are so fearful as to what will happen when they are no longer here. They won't chuck him out as they worry he would end up on the streets and they do care for him but he gives nothing back. It's a really sad situation and I fear more common than we may know as these people are largely hidden.

It's 2025 not 1950

What about their fathers?

Yes, absolutely.

I work F/T but I'm self-employed - I've been doing this since 2010. I'm autistic/ADHD. I live with my DP and our DC. Both my DC are autistic, one with particularly high needs. They are 15 years old - DS is still in nappies. Neither can leave the house without me and need support with daily living tasks at home. DS will definitely never be able to live independently - DD unlikely, but you never know.

They are very happy pottering in their rooms and around the house - DS enjoys games like Minecraft. DD loves art and drawing. We do activities at home together. We attend a couple of structured groups every week - but this absolutely exhausts them and I have to be there with them for every minute. DS in particular finds it very hard and probably would prefer not to go.

We don't go on holiday - haven't been away for 12 years. Controversially, during COVID they (and me) were really content. No pressure to go out and about, and able to do what they enjoy without anyone questioning why they weren't Doing More.

Neither of my two would be able to work. I think DD might be able to earn a living through self-employment (crafting - that's also a side line of mine so I can help her when the time comes). I don't think she'll be able to manage a job - she has language processing disabilities above and beyond her autistic challenges. DS won't be able to work in any capacity or achieve any kind of independence - he has high needs, bless his heart.

Our life isn't what people expect. But we're all really content. And I understand that people will be sneery because we're not going on holiday, travelling, and broadening our horizons, but why should we lead lives that other people think we should, when it's not what makes us happy?

It absolutely kills me to know that people will be judging my DC when they're older. The world is a really hard place for them, with no easy way to fit in. Neurodivergent folk tend to carve out a lifestyle that looks different to what others think is "right" - and we're often pitied or judged.

@IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 - your DD clearly has done so well to overcome her struggles to give uni a go. I really hope things work out for her, but how wonderful that she has such a supportive parent behind her ❤️

Jesus Christ.

As a mother, I’d much rather my child grew up to live a somewhat insular lifestyle if that’s what suits them, than grew up to be someone like you who writes off and dismisses others’ lives as having no value, just because they do things differently from themselves.

I would be very worried if it were my son and I would try seek some professional help for him.

I know a couple of adults like this - one in his 40s who lives overseas with his parents. He worked for their business for a while but then they closed it, and he hasn't worked since. He doesn't have friends or interests outside the home, but he does enjoy drawing/painting and playing music.

I know another one in the UK in his 20s, lives with his parents, went to a specialist autism school so is fairly severe. He gets a decent sum in PIP and UC and his parents are well off and own their home outright, so they don't ask him to contribute towards costs. He spends most of his time gaming, has no friends although chats online, would struggle with getting a job and the level of pay he'd get wouldn't be much more than his current income.

Both of them are pretty content with their lives and have had financial planning to ensure a comfortable life once their parents are gone.

If he's 30 his DM is likely 50+. Although old fashioned now, lots of people this age and older still have the attitude that men are deferred to by women. So in her eyes she might not see it as: she's the parent, he's the son and it's her house so she's in control. More as: he's the man, the head of the household. So what he wants, goes. @Haysamosa

People like @Scutterbug gets judged negatively sometimes too because they "look fine" and theirs is a hidden disability.

People who are happy with a small world through choice can sometimes live very frugally too, so not need as much money as someone participating more fully in society and all it has to offer.

The alcoholic brother and the non stop weed smokers are addicts. They're either under the influence of their substance of choice or they're suffering the lack of it (because we all have to sleep, which means a temporary cessation). They awake feeling shit and as soon as they've managed to drag themselves out of bed and make themselves vaguely presentable, which takes ages, they're distracting themselves from their need until it becomes too much and they seek it out again. Fooling themselves that they're not an addict because they didn't seek it instantly upon first waking. Most addicts aren't particularly functional people and will do the minimum they can get away with. So if someone puts a roof over their head and feeds them, then why would they think about working?

Fair point. I suppose one could argue I haven't completely dropped out anyway. I also care for a disabled child, so that factors in hugely to what I can do outside home anyway. There is a lot of useful contributions people can make to the world outside a workplace (though I have done that on and off too). Some people just have inflexible thinking of what life can be shaped like for different people, I guess. Thanks for the encouragement. :-)

I am like this, I don't work although I'm a stay home mum, I get overwhelmed with housework, have never been interested in making friends so have none and my world consists of dh (he works) and dc.
I have chronic social anxiety and would never leave the house again if that was an option, I hate the school run in case someone tries to make small talk and I find shops and crowds uncomfortable.
I spend most days sitting around procrastinating chores.
I'm autistic and struggle to fit in and to function in this world so life's a struggle. I also have very little energy so life's exhausting even though I don't actually make any progress.
I'm not happy but I wouldn't say I'd be happy with a stereotypical happy life either.
I just get through life however I can. I also struggle with anorexia which is my coping mechanism.

Of course you would, but you can't make him participate or take part in that. You are also limited because they won't communicate with you if he does consent to talk to them. There's a limit to what you can do.

I have a family member in this situation. They know they have issues and refuse to address it.

They live off another family member and it’s slowly destroying both of them. It’s awful to watch and not be able to help.

You can make it difficult for him cutting off any funding you may give him bar grocery food. Get a takeaway but not include him etc.

If parents tried to force them to be helped and cut them off financially etc the person could attempt suicide and may succeed. I'm assuming that's why their parents don't do it. It can cause mental health issues to become worse for some people put in that situation.

Actual disabilities aside.

Their parents can't find some suitable spouse to offload them onto. So they are stuck with them.

You reap what you sow.

I think your ideas about women over fifty think about female deference to men is the most disturbing aspect of your post. Do you not meet many middle-aged women, @difficultpeople?

The GP will prescribe anti-depressants and suggest he makes a phone call to set up a very basic “listening ear” therapy for 6 sessions. And then what.

but some of us are like this naturally or because we've experienced trauma and therefore don't trust people in general...it is sad

If people are unhappy living in a certain way, that’s one thing. If they are happy and self funding, or whoever is funding them is happy to do so, I personally don’t see where all the judgement is coming from. The version of life so many here seem to think is “”right” is simply the version that we are encouraged to lead for social and economic reasons. Those at the top of the economic system need us to be socially compliant, and to work productively and to spend money on clothing, leisure pursuits, etc. I have excellent social skills, used to work full time in a busy city centre office, full social life, etc. I now work from home and rarely interact with others, by choice. I am much, much happier now. I guess I still have hobbies and interests, mainly reading, but I find other people draining, disappointing and way more effort than they are worth, and there is little the outside world has to offer that isn’t ruined by having to endure other people. Sometimes it’s a choice, not a failure.

sounds v difficult situation

This isn't a new thing but like others have said modern life makes it easier to do as you don't need to cross the front door as everything can be delivered.
I had 2 great uncles who lived like this, one brother more reclusive than the other, one did the shopping and paid the bills I presume. When the youngest died the other one took his own life. Don't know if it was depression or neurodiversity or both.
I live in fear my eldest could end up this way, he has ADHD and seems to find life harder than his younger brother. At the moment he has a job and a social life so I'm starting to unclench a bit, next stage is getting him living successfully on his own. 🤞

Putting yourself out there and showing up to things builds self confidence. The less things you do, the less self confidence you have and the more anxious and withdrawn people become. I’ve noticed around 40 this self perpetuating issue has become more apparent in my friendship group.

My friends son is like this. Dropped out of uni, moved home and sleeps or games. No job, no rl friends. Def depressed and recently got medication so maybe that will help.

Friend has no idea what to do. Yes he enables it by not asking for board and he has considered changing the WiFi password but thinks that asking for money he doesn't have or cutting him off will just make the mh issues worse.

I gave up on life - and it saved my life

My dd being born coincided with a breakdown. Spent the past few years just raising her.

I'm hoping 2025 will be the year I do something for myself

If he's 30 his DM is likely 50+. Although old fashioned now, lots of people this age and older still have the attitude that men are deferred to by women. So in her eyes she might not see it as: she's the parent, he's the son and it's her house so she's in control. More as: he's the man, the head of the household. So what he wants, goes.

What ageist, misogenistic, offensive drivel.