People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

I'd say that people are really cruel. Really, spectacularly awful. And when your mh hits a certain point, you can't navigate the social games anymore and need to isolate to protect yourself.

I agree it must be unpleasant to watch though

This sums up one of my family members sadly. He was eventually made homeless and is now in council homeless accommodation living the same life. He rarely visits anyone in the family, always has a last min excuse and as far as I'm aware, he has never allowed anyone to visit him. It's very sad. It's strange how siblings can turn out so different

@SecretSoul please make sure you all take vitamin D supplements, as so much indoor time will make all of you deficient.

I suspect it's not as black and white as some people think. I think potentially there are lots of different factors. Some are depressed, some are neurodivergent, some are overwhelmed, some are addicted to video games, to mobile phones. Life is alot more overwhelming these days compared to 30 years ago. There's so much pressure from all around (friends, tv, social media, magazines) to have it all and do it all, to look a certain way. I stopped working a few years ago and became a SAHM. I was burnt out from living in London, and moved overseas during the pandemic and felt relieved to "have a break", I definitely retreated in to myself some what. I have since retrained and im getting my life back on track. But there was a period of time that I didn't want to see anyone.
I also think there are alot of people who can live comfortably off benefits so they don't have any motivation to work. Since moving away from the UK years ago I can tell when I come back that the mood has changed. There's alot of discontentment, apathy, anger . People are fed up. Everything feels harder for them than it used to, things are unattainable. Less optimism. And I think some people have just given up.
For young people now what is there to look forward to in the UK? Expensive university fees, high taxes, high cost of living, high rents, poor health care.

I find other people draining, disappointing and way more effort than they are worth, and there is little the outside world has to offer that isn’t ruined by having to endure other people

So bloody true.

I know a grown man, father of two teen boys, who has gone down the rabbit hole of "you will own nothing and you will be happy"

Thinks society is a big trap, sells some stuff online to pay the bills but won't participate in actual employment because it's stealing your life blah blah blah. Anti vax, thinks he's a special one that knows THE TRUTH.

Then whinge whine we can't go on holiday, won't pay tax, moans about services. Oh the list is endless.

He is making himself and his family miserable but blames the rest of society, the press, the world. And there are enough people online patting him on the head saying what a clever enlightened boy he is.

He's dumb as a stump and wetter than a fish's wet bits. Luckily his parents got him married off before this all became apparent.

I've met many people of all ages over the course of my lifetime. I speak as I find. It's not all people think that way of course and I never said that. But many do have this way of looking at things. It's not necessarily voiced but it's there, observable in their everyday actions and comments and views, which they choose to share. It comes from them having an underlying unconscious mysoginy I suppose.

Duplicate post

I had a flat mate like this. No job, never left the house, constantly on his computer. To be fair he did have a (very desperate) girlfriend who coached him into giving her some crumbs of affection. I don’t think it’s a coincidence though that she was well off and funded anything they did together - she was in a weird way his carer and coach. He was completely passive in the relationship, told me one day he didn’t love her and she knew this. He made no effort with her but she kind of forced the relationship. It was sad.

he would avoid even going to the loo so he didn’t have to bump into me and when he did he either looked through me like I didn’t exist or looked terrified. He was clearly very mentally unwell but refused to seek help - he’d been in the country for 15 years and never even registered with a doctor.

I started off with sympathy for him but it turned to disgust as I realised he just leeched off everybody and was a human black hole. He was funded by rich parents, he stole my food and drink, he was happy to let his girlfriend pay for everything, he sucked the mood out of every room (my friend called him ‘the human plant pot). I was very generous to him emotionally and practically, until I realised I got zero back so I just stopped talking to him to see what happened - he literally didn’t even bother saying hello for the remainder of living together.

he never once cleaned without being asked, and regularly left massive skid marks in the loo. His room smelled so bad I had to knock on the door one day and ask him to clean his sheets. It REEKED - people who visited would comment.

in the end he just creeped me out, constantly in his room and never leaving, just silently lurking.

I know I sound cruel, but honestly, after living with it for a year I had to ask him to leave. It was badly affecting my mental health and it was my flat. He was very unhappy and couldn’t understand why.

when he left, he had forgotten three post it notes stuck to a bookcase. One said ‘eat’, one said ‘breathe’ and one said ‘move’.

School curricula doesn't bend for those who need more life and social skills and there aren't proper work experiences for many young people.
Meanwhile benefits pay people to stay poor. They cover a security blanket amount and it's quickly pulled away if the person works. It would be better to pay people benefits for months of work and start when they're young. Once in a insular dependent 'safe' situation it's difficult to break away.

Some people are just stuck and it's hard to get out of it

I'd echo a lot of this are people who are certain types of ND sorts. I know a couple like this, who live off grid, heavy alcohol users but live in a bubble themselves/enable each other. It's very strange to me but somehow it works for them. No bank accounts, never leaving the house.

I really feel for those posting here with kids who are like this. So upsetting.

No it's not. You think someone's miraculously going ti become mentally well because they are even more poor??
Let me tell you that does not happen.
Having worked in mental health my whole life what happens is the state steps in if the familes drop out with the support.. and then quite often sadly, if the person just won't engage with anything they often just die.. or spend their entire lives like that. Some people do engage and their lives improve.. but it's not about withdrawal of support at all..
If anything, it's about having professional support. No one mentally healthy chooses to spend their entire lives never going anywhere or seeing anyone or doing anything... just because they can't be arsed. There are usually many mental health issues going on.
Someone never going out and just playing video games all day.. you think they are living some kind of luxury life do you? It's not natural or healthy.. people don't do this for decades just because 'they can get away with it'

‘Find a suitable spouse?!’ Are you from a culture that still has arranged marriage, or have you time travelled from the 1800s?

Great way of putting it!

Omg that's so sad.. those post it notes. He must have been very mentally unwell.
It's not your responsibility at all though and I too would have asked him to leave.
He needs professional help. I hope he gets some one day.

I'm like this although I do work.
But I'm a 43 year old male and I've given up on life.
It started about 4 years a go . I work but at weekends I just eat and sleep. I no it's wrong but I can't get out of this cycle.
I do think the high cost of everything in the UK though from basics like food to houses is stopping a lot of people from looking forward in life.
My parents bought there council house for £19000. I no people will say it's inflation but just being able to buy a reasonable house at a good price set them up for life.
Even a 2 bedroom flat in Shropshire is £130000. That's with little or no outside space and lease type fees to the land owner of £3000 per year.
The government can't even do basic things now to help working people realise why it's worth getting out of bed every day

I don't actually know anyone like that, but I have heard of people. It sounds like my idea of Hell tbh, and very joyless. It's sad really.

I suppose everyone's life sounds joyless and like hell to someone.

Spending every day in an office, for example 🔥

I’m sorry to hear this, sounds rough.

I agree that cost of living is really difficult now. However there are things you can do to lead a fuller life that are free or cheap - like getting out and going for walks, just clubs to meet new people etc. Do you have flatmates or lice on your own? There’s no shame in sharing and it can be a nice way to feel less alone if you meet nice people.

please try and look for those chinks of light. You only need one or two friends or healthy activities for life to feel different.

I am like this because I am autistic. Although I do sometimes go on walks and I have a hobby I do outside of the house twice a week which I love. But I find it very difficult to leave the house for any other reason because everything is overstimulating for me.

Since having cancer a couple of years ago and not being well enough to go out that much, I realised I am living very happily through social media (it was a sudden and not very nice realisation). I watch my favourite influencers going about their day, breakfast, outfits, make up and hair, outings, restaurants etc and I don’t even need to leave my house! I have conversations with them and can see the sights near where I live so I’m living through them.

I’m trying to be better but today as the rain lashed the windows I decided it was a day for at home (again). I’ll go out tomorrow….

That’s very fair enough. as long as you are happy, that’s all that matters. Sounds as if you are leading a balanced life that is not really unhappy, unlike a lot of the people mentioned on the thread

This is really not the solution.