People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

It’s condescending and patronising.

Happy people don't care about other people's unfounded sympathy - if anything they find it amusing and/or curious.

@joliefolle I agree. I feel pleased when my family and friends go out and do things that I don’t do, because I’m happy with my life choices.

Is their Mother alive? Just wondering if there's some kind of family trauma leading to this outcome of two men who should be in their prime living with their elderly Father as it sounds like an incredibly unhealthy level of co-dependence.

Considering neurodiversity is genetic, it may not be so unusual IF that is the case here. It's quite possible they both find the support of living with family useful, or need that kind of support.

I know two elderly brothers who live together in what was their childhood home. Both have worked, and they manage fine. There is nothing wrong with this kind of situation.

Over 50 Years ago we knew of a pair of brothers living together and also a pair sisters . Looking back now I would guess they were gay couples . Also women living with a man as his "housekeeper " later marrying. Not saying this is the same for the brothers in your case as times thankfully have changed.

@NewNovaNivarna they are not gay. Or if they are, they are not together as they are brothers. Lived in the same house all their life and a few elderly neighbours knew them from children.

It's not wrong but it is a little unusual that neither has managed to find a partner, find their own home, become independent of one another no?

I know a guy who recently died in his 70s. He didn't ever want a partner. Towards the end he thought maybe he should have given it some consideration, but it was never something he wanted due to the lifestyle he wanted to live.

Does it matter if someone has a friend, stranger or relative as a room mate? Someone to share to expenses with and who might be some company? If it works for them, who cares?

So now some posters think you can't even live with a sibling 😆I suppose if you get a lodger you're ok by them...

Maybe if we normalised sharing homes with friends and siblings more there would be less people feeling trapped into unhealthy relationships!

I think a healthy functional romantic relationship can be one of life’s great joys, but a lot of people don't have that and they settle for less than mediocre in a partner. Partly due to financial reasons and partly due to societal expectations.

Maybe everyone should get a DNA test before they're allowed to live together - just to make sure they're distant enough to meet the criteria of 'independent'.

So true. Reading about some of the relationships on here, I'd rather live alone or with any first degree relative.

It's not living with a sibling that was being commented on, it's two children, now elderly adults, who never left the family home. It's unusual, and was commented as "unusual" not "forbidden".

I grew up in the 1950s. My great aunt and her niece, my aunt, shared a flat. Neither had ever married. My aunt had a job, great aunt was retired and looked after the home. Another aunt and her child lived with my gran, her mum, aunt’s husband had left. In both cases it made financial sense. Benefits were not nearly as common. I know a man in his sixties who still lives in his childhood home, as did his brother til he died. Different generations sharing a home and pooling resources was quite common, even for people who weren’t reclusive or ND.

@BeAzureAnt

Sounds just like me . I'm so much happier not having to deal with people anymore. Interestingly my psoriasis has almost completely gone away. I have had colds but oddly they are not as intense as they once were . I sleep better too . I see people now who I used to work with and can't be bothered to make conversation but will do if they converse with me. I just feel better in my own company.

Yes, Mother is alive but she has never worked. My brother allows people to take advantage of him because he's a softy. He has terminal cancer but still works and has always done so. Sometimes I sense they feel resentment towards my brother for providing everything and blame him for empty life they lead.

I think the only answer is zero tolerance; let children know from an early age that they have to fly the nest when they leave school. Kindness like this makes weak people who will never be able to cope with life. Being self-sufficient gives me a sense of pride and freedom. Taking responsibility for ourselves is difficult and it's much easier blame someone else and let them shoulder the burden.

I agree with this, it was common for families to live nearby or together. Before welfare families had to rely on each other for support. Grandmothers and aunts would help rearing children. Neighbours, health visitors, nurses and vicars would take an active role.

In places like China and India families have to stay together to survive. I see so many lonely people wandering around my town day after day who appear to have no-one.

I wonder if a big part of the problem for some people that have dropped out is the perceived wrongness of their lifestyles. In my case I was working, I was law abiding and didn't cause my parents much bother, they were only bothered because of how unhappy I was. I still felt judged and excluded as a person living with parents.

Likewise a good friend of mine has a sleep disorder and has had some very scary symptoms. She's self employed and has figured out a sleep pattern that works for her despite it seeming very unconventional. Again she's someone else who people might write off as a drop out because of her nocturnal lifestyle.

People who feel this sort of judgment will withdraw even more.

Extremely common to have a lodger as well, so single people would lodge with a family. We just live totally different lives now with much less social support within families and the community. It makes me dread another proper recession like the 1980s or god forbid the 1930s as so many people are only obligated to their immediate family now and expect the state to help everyone else.

Agree. I had to read that twice just to be sure. The lack of compassion is shocking. Viewing this poor woman as some kind of modern day freak show. Awful.

Exactly this! Some posters are so defensive it makes commenting on a thread increasingly unpleasant

This is a fascinating thread.

My DS, now 20 was diagnosed with ADHD after very turbulent teenage years including self harm and school refusal. The effort when he did go meant he was just existing with no social life; just school and either 12 hour plus sleep sessions or really struggling to sleep at all.

Three years and two courses later he dropped out of university. He loved the second course, but couldn't cope with the deadlines and just got further and further behind. His anxiety was through the roof.

He did have friends though and loved the city he was in. He now has a minimum wage job in a bar which suits his night owl tendencies. He says it is exhausting, but also good for him as he feels useful and it is sociable, distracts him from his problems and of course the money is very welcome. It has been a huge boost to his self confidence.

Many who knew him in school would say he has massively under achieved. He certainly had the intelligence for a very different type of life. As his Mum I am relieved he is managing to hold down a job and proud and delighted that he is independent and getting some enjoyment from his life. Things could have been very different when CAMHS regularly told us to hide blades and medication from him in his teenage years.

I know he is still young and we are not out of the danger zone yet, but after a decade of worry and hyper vigilance, I am now able to breathe again and possibly think about the future and what it holds for myself and my DS.

I've often wondered if I'd never been adopted or money had been tighter, whether I'd have been a tougher person. My very middle class upbringing gave me an excellent childhood, comfortable life and home, and nothing short of what most people would say was happy.

My birth mum was a drug addict and I'm sure I'd have been raised by her parents. It would have been depressing and probably quite dysfunctional. My adoptive parents are absolutely my rock, and I had quite a sheltered upbringing, and even as an adult, they provided the financial support and assistance over 7 years recently when I had my 2 youngest DC and was recovering from my head injury and drug induced neurological involuntary movement disorder.

Anyone who'd been less well supported might have been back at work sooner etc (although this was impossible when I waa suffering from post concussion syndrome and had a breakdown).

I guess that society sees people who have ill health but are very well supported by family as living a cushy life. If I had been on my own though, as I don't qualify for benefits, goodness knows what might have happened.