People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

Be you with pride - some people can be very unpleasant.😘

🙂🥰

This, do these people not even sit outside in tje summer. Very unhealthy to be inside in the summer.

Playing computer games all the time, not good for you, or your eye sight and if your on there all night.
Electricity isn't free.

@PassingStranger shut up

It probably partly depends on their area. If they live somewhere where there’s a nice quiet bench they can sit on or a quiet lovely beach they can walk along, or if they have a garden or balcony they are probably more likely to go outside. However if going outside requires them going down a busy street to a busy park with strangers trying to talk to you or their dogs jumping up on you (some people will like that but others won’t) or having to travel far to find somewhere better to sit or walk, I can imagine many will opt out - especially if they don’t drive.

Sure, fresh air etc is good for your health - I think all adults know that in theory - but the issue is many have anxiety about leaving their homes and struggle to find the motivation to go out and/or exercise or indeed do anything positive for their health.

It’s just like how most people know they would benefit from reading more books and watching less tv/scrolling on social media but so often they avoid the former.

Fresh air is good for you. But it is very different sitting in a lovely garden attached to your house, to walking around an estate. Plenty of houses only have a small park close by with a swing, a bench and teenagers hanging around.

It's sad isn't it?

We just know it'll be an utter car crash when her parents die. She has a lot of health anxiety anyway, we suspect brought on by the fact that she knows this is a major catastrophe waiting to happen. But despite the health anxiety, she herself is fit and healthy.

She seems to live in a perpetual state of anxiety about non-events though... A couple of months back, a neighbour cut one of their own trees down and she was devastated. Over a tree. She went on to say that she'd walk into the kitchen with her back to the window, so she wouldn't accidentally see the space the tree had left. And one time she forgot and "reeled back in horror" when she remembered/saw the tree had gone. Another time, a sea-lion or something in her local SeaLife centre died, and she mourned that thing for MONTHS, like a family member. It's not normal.

Like your family member though, she'll have to fight for any inheritance with her older half brother. And even if she gets the house (which she won't because why should she?) she wouldn't be able to afford to keep it up.
Her best case scenario is a small flat somewhere. But that'll eat up her inheritance and then what's she going to live on?

It's just so bizarre. And while we do feel sorry for her, we also feel that 99% of it is self-indulgence, and her parents should have done something about it years ago. And because of that, we do kind of what to stick around to see what happens.

Exactly . Some people work part time and benefits make up the rest of their money so they are just as well off working part time rather than working full time . Would I do it in their shoes ? Hell yes !

I'll be honest I think I have similar tendencies in that when I'm anxious or things aren't going great I will fixate on some pretty random things and get really upset about them. I do tend to keep them mostly to myself as I know how weird it comes across to others. It may be that she knows that the shit show is coming and can't see a way to avoid it.

I think the longer you're in this dropped out situation the harder it is to get out of. Especially for those who drop out without any links to a more typical life or realistic hope of one which was at least what I had.

There is no help. People like to believe that ND people are of two types - they're either software engineers or can't do anything for themselves and need to be institutionalised.

Wrong. Most are living lives hidden from view and massively socially isolated with no job or their own place to live. The general population are finding it very difficult to fund their own places to live so isolated, non working people have no chance unless they're left somewhere to live by deceased parents, but then can't manage or afford to maintain those places.

Social care doesn't provide anything for these ND people and never has. Parents are just left to it. You think the parents don't care? Many are ND themselves and are just toughing it out themselves. They wouldn't know how to access the help even if it did exist. Most are constantly worrying over the future.

Many ADHD people end up addicted to drugs/alcohol. Again, the population fondly imagine that either adhd doesn't exist, is down to bad parenting or people just not trying hard enough. Wrong. It is very disabling and a major cause of depression. It ruins lives. Some manage, many don't. People with ND have a shorter lifespan than the general population and have a suicide rate nine times higher than the general population.

These loner, loser weirdos that everyone's looking down on are people like me, my friends and our dcs. Be eternally thankful if it doesn't affect you and you're in the privileged position of just ignoring it.

Exactly @squirrelnutcartel - many of the posts on this thread are ill informed.

Support? lol. Services are still mired in 'what's wrong with you' instead of 'what has happened to you and how can we help you in a way that works for you'

As the mother of an adult ND it's virtually impossible to get help and support, unless you make it your full time job and then some.

The system is broken - and I work in it.

I don't know what to say about the utter contempt with which you refer to this girl. She is highly likely to be ND and the tree and sea lion things are exactly the type of thing I get upset about.

You're sticking around to see what happens to her?! My God, like it's entertainment or something! Talk about lacking empathy and compassion.

This message really moved me. You are so right about the various ways in which ND people retire from life and live unnoticed and unsupported.

I have ADHD and DH is autistic. Bit of a cliche but we are like missing parts of a jigsaw and we compensate for each other's life-struggles. If we hadn't met I think we'd both be struggling pretty badly by now. It is hard to keep your head above water, especially with the basics of life having become such a huge challenge these days - COL, housing all so tough.

If anything, this thread is actually quite comforting, to realise that there are plenty of other people out there who feel the same, and who live in the same way.
I am another person who used to live what on the surface would have appeared to be a normal 'functioning' life. Covid lockdowns were a revelation - the relief of no longer having to go anywhere, mix with other people etc... To no longer have to do all the things that society usually expects of us. I never returned to my previous life, hence the "dropping out" and it's quite reassuring to know that there are others still living in that same way too.

This is a very interesting thread. A few points:
Re the TV programmes, I have noticed how much anxiety inducing tv there is now and I have realised that it is bad for me. So much TV seems to involve murders (particularly of women and young children), child abuse, serial killers etc. How is this entertainment? Likewise the TV news always seems so dramatic with high drama or very sad stories of people seeking funding for charities.

In my experience, I don't think that all people who withdraw are ND - the couple that I referred to earlier socialise with family but have never wanted to work and now that the family has stopped funding them, have moved to an area with no jobs in order to claim from the benefits system. They have all modern gadgets and a designer dog that they never ever walk but they take the dog to be groomed and post pictures on SM. They are capable and function well when they choose to.
As other posters have suggested, many of these are facilitated by others and the internet is doing them no favours. There also seems to be a critical period in a teenagers/young adult life where this behaviour starts.
I don't know what the answer is.

I remember watching the Japaneses documentary about this and being bemused how polite and accepting the parents were.

Around same was watching Alvin Hall - he was on TV a lot with financial and budgeting advice and selling book - and talk about a time his life imploded in every way and his GM took him in but with a deadline - which as it got closer he got reminded about it - he said without that deadline on being kicked out he'd have drifted for years.

My family - full of ND- are more in Halls family style- will help will get you somewhere you can manage but the scaffolding isn't permanent - it's all about getting you as independent as possible.

I something think with best of intentions - like with our mate who I think had break down - the kindness of letting them stay indefinably especially with no plan past parental death is actually harmful. It is different though when individuals have the financial resources to disconnect like this for their lifespan - that more a choice.

I have a cousin like this, barely leaves the house or engages with the world. I suspect nowadays she’d be diagnosed with mild learning difficulties. She’s late 30’s, lives with her mother and doesn’t work. She’s supported by my aunt who works in a care home and isn’t the best paid - I suspect it will all go very wrong when my aunt dies. Cousin is quite vulnerable but absolutely could have worked in a shop or similar if she’d been properly encouraged at 16 and it would have done her the world of good. Unfortunately she’s just done nothing but claim benefits for years.

@squirrelnutcartel there is help for homeless ND people into supported accommodation.
Of course there is no social care. People who are severely physically disabled only get carers visits to get them in and out of bed, to the toilet, washed and fed. Nobody gets social care to lead a happy life, it is for basic existence.

Oh well, if it's a race to the bottom. You're also assuming all ND people have a diagnosis. Most don't qualify for supported accommodation.

@squirrelnutcartel if they do not qualify, it means their needs are not as great as those who do qualify.
I am not in a race to the bottom. But the current social care system in the UK is struggling to provide care to meet disabled and elderly people's basic needs. There is simply no capacity or money to do more than that. And this is where families do have to step up.
Most families provide care to ensure their disabled or elderly family members get beyond their basic needs met. Taking them out places, helping them to purchase things to make their life better such as books or setting up internet.

ND people are never going to get more than other people with other disabilities are entitled to.

You obviously don't understand the issues involved.

She sounds autistic. The tree, the sea life centre. You sound mean. Enjoy your car crash.

The secret is that you speak your mind despite sounding like a bitch. You have to not care what other people think.
Just show her all your anger - tell her exactly what you feel about her.
Chances are, she will leave the group, everyone else will breathe a sigh of relief, and you can all get back to enjoying your hobby.

I have a sibling like this and I’m deeply worried.

She was in Year 11 during Covid when schools were closed so there was no real follow up with her education and I feel she slipped through the net and was never able to find her way back up.

My parents fund anything she needs but she never leaves the house except on a rare occasion. She is into online gaming so gets her social needs met chatting to friends online.

There’s no obvious mental health. She isn’t depressed but I think because she has been home for so long that going out now probably does seem difficult for her although she will go on holiday with my parents and go to the beach etc. She doesn’t drink or smoke. Isn’t overweight.

My dad is always pushing her to do something - she says she’s looking for a job. She was offered a really great opportunity with a good company but didn’t turn up. He really does worry.

My mum won’t talk about it and pays for everything she needs. She is a massive enabler in this but as my parents approach retirement age I worry what will happen to my sibling in the future. No job. No money. No savings.

She is only approaching 21 but something needs done before it’s too late.

You obviously do not understand other disabilities