In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

Sounds a bit rude. My DD is 2.5 and quite frankly, a PITA, (I love her dearly of course)
My parents are in their late 60s, and are very much a fan of her sitting quietly on the sofa 🤣
However my 68 year old mum was recently tearing up and down the corridor playing football with my DD, which is something I'm 99% certain she never did with me 🤣
Sounds likes you're better off without them for the time being. Of course a 2 and 3 year old are going to be overstimulated and overexcited all at the same time, what do they expect

I'm in my 70s, swim and play football with my grandchildren - but feel lucky my health allows me to do this. I could not criticise others in my age group who find young children tiring and too much to handle.
Cut them some slack and just visit in small doses. If they don't enjoy good health your children may not have these grandparents around for much longer. These are your husband's parents, after all.

Maybe other grandparents are more tired than you?
Everyone is different, we're not all the same no matter how much we love our grandkids.

Good for you though, hope your energy continues.....

In their 70s, so probably they tire easily and aren't not able to manage with energetic toddlers.

They don't seem to have worded it well but no longer visits sound sensible for everyone.

I'd cool down and in the future let their son carry the load in future.

I wonder if your in-laws knew the children were playing up more because they were there. It is no secret that excited young children struggle to moderate their emotions and behaviour. In which case it's not a bad suggestion to wait until they can better handle having visitors around before the grandparents come for prolonged visits again. Short bursts would be better.

@mischance, I don’t think it’s fair to make such sweeping generalisations. I’m in my late 40s and disabled, I would struggle with young children. I dread to think what state I will be in in 25 years. The health gap is well documented, that people in poorer areas have more than a decade less of healthy life. I don’t think OP’s in-laws have handled it well, but they may just be unable to cope.

having said that, expecting 2-3 year olds to sit quietly on the sofa is ridiculous!

@Isitjustme20 where was your children's father whilst you were hosting two guests and wrangling two under three year olds?

Wonder what people would be saying were it OP who had decided on the video calls, due to intolerant grandparents. She'd be called all sorts, selfish, unreasonable. Accused of denying the poor grandparents a relationship with their grandchildren etc.

Yet, so many of those who usually berate parents for setting boundaries are now saying it's fine for contact to be indirect and limited because it's the grandparents choice.

@Isitjustme20 what was your husband doing while the children were upset? Was he parenting alongside you or was it all down to you?

Oh well as hurtful as it sounds it does sound awful around.

In many ways it's a wonderful excuse not to see them.
I was out today and struggled with a screaming child and I've got my own I was really tired and lots of beeping noises etc and screaming.

If you're out of the game it's hard.

But I think it's also really hurtful they didn't have to make an announcement out of it did they!!

Absolutely this!

Yes pinching is bad behaviour-in a five year old. At 2 and 3 they are learning HOW to behave. Yes correct them but labelling the child as “badly behaved” is a bit much. Christmas can be a horrendous time for small children with disrupted routines, “busy-ness” everywhere, stressed out parents and plenty of over stimulation available everywhere. It’s also harder to deal with two small children so close together in age. So cutting everyone (even the grandparents, I guess!) a bit of slack in this situation isn’t a bad thing.

I’d say “fine,” & when they inevitably moan in a few years that they don’t see your kids tell them to bugger off.

My husband was cooking the dinners, cleaning with the help of MIL, he would also be with the kids when he wasn’t busy, DIL would be sat down on phone or watching tv. I think they are just really tired because the day before they were at the other brothers family and (DC were 5 and 3, nowhere near as badly behaved as ours) then they came to ours for 2 nights, one of which the eldest was up for 2 hours due to a nightmare so I sympathise as to why they are tired and have had enough. Shame it’s just video because the kids aren’t interested in that atm but yes hopefully with time the kids will improve and they will be more interested. They are fit healthy 70 year olds btw for whoever asked! Also would welcome tips on how to manage a 3 year old that doesn’t respond well to time out as don’t know what to do when she’s naughty (albeit isn’t much when routine is unchanged)

You’re being very forgiving of their behaviour OP. I do really think they could have left and not made this comment, it’s very hurtful and completely ignorant to how most 2 and 3 year olds are at Christmas. If they’re overwhelmed then that is their problem. It sounds like you tried really hard to make it nice for them and instead of them just chalking it up to Christmas tiredness with toddlers they decided to put the blame on you and DH and your little ones and throw another blow by saying they’re only going to video message. I just think they were unnecessarily cruel with these comments.

Tbh with an overwhelmed 3yo at Christmas, I'd tuck them up with a blanket and a few cartoons. That or a long, warm bath. "Silo" them rather than trying to fix/solve the behaviour while they're tired and out of routine.

Also would welcome tips on how to manage a 3 year old that doesn’t respond well to time out as don’t know what to do when she’s naughty (albeit isn’t much when routine is unchanged)

I'd get yourself a copy of Little Angels

Nobody is in the wrong here. Badly behaved children are no fun for anyone. They’ve done their parenting, now it’s your turn. Perhaps suggest shorter visits?

There’s a lot of people who believe that everyone should just shut up and put up with their children, because they are children and should be excused for their behaviour. The reality is you can either cope with badly behaved or even just loud and lively children, or you can’t. Whether that’s due to age, lifestyle choice, whatever… it doesn’t make them wrong.

But they’ve not said it’s forever, it’s until the children are a little older. They live four hours away not around the corner, there are thousands of grandparents the world over who have established meaningful interaction with their grandkids using FaceTime.
the OP herself has described the situation while they were there and it really doesn’t sound pleasant for anyone.
So yes I think it’s a very sensible compromise.

It’s not a compromise though… a compromise is, by definition, a middle ground between what the OP wants (face to face contact as normal) and what the grandparents want (no face to face contact, just video calling).

A good compromise is maybe meeting at a national trust type place midway every now and then? Two hour drive for everyone, space for the kids to have a walk and blow off steam. Not enough time for anyone to be worn out by more noise, etc than they’re used to. Everyone in their own bed at the end of the day.

Sounds like you didn't do much to rectify their behaviour/discipline them so I'm not surprised they don't want to come again

This is an unpleasant response. I wonder if you have read the same thread I have? There isn’t a lot of discipline that you can use to make toddlers behave. Particularly when they are tired and out of routine.

I used to insist that mine stayed in their routine no matter what. I am sure that would be considered rude or inflexible by the people who think that toddlers can be made to “behave” no matter what.

You can't really discipline toddlers beyond "no" and removing them from a situation. Not necessarily much use in their own home. You certainly can't make them stop whining and having meltdowns. The best way to ensure toddlers are "good company" is to respect their routine and keep to it as much as possible. If it's impossible to do that for whatever reason, you have to adjust your expectations of them. We've never been particularly strict on bedtimes, for example, and will stay out late on holiday for dinner. But we tend to eat at places with play areas next to them so the wired, overtired DC can run themselves ragged and then be scooped up and into bed. I'd never eat out at 8/9pm and expect to have a well-behaved, placid toddler sitting nicely at the table.

Dear OP,

question you need to ask yourself is, do you want these people in your life? Just because someone is related to your kids it doesn’t mean they have to be in their life. The impression I got from your comments is that they’ve sat on their bums while you’ve ran yourself ragged looking after two kids. the people in my life who behave like this are utter knob heads so if they said they didn’t want to visit ever again I would be celebrating my get out of jail free card.

however, if you think you would like them in your life or your kids life then you or DH first need to chat to them and repair some bridges. I think it is fine for people of any age to not want to stay in houses with small kids because they would rather have peace and quiet (I know I would). But saying you don’t want to see small kids again is hurtful and uncalled for. So I think you need to clear that air first to avoid any lingering resentment. And then short visits, maybe halfway between you, maybe you go and stay somewhere near them or they stay somewhere near you and then you meet up at a park or somewhere suitable for the kids and take it from there.

good luck, I hope it works out for you.

I am older than your set of GPs. Do you have to engage with both your DC together. Try splitting them up more, not just like this occasion. Must be worth a try?