In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

What they said to you was rude OP considering you hosted them for Christmas. That was 100% a discussion they could have had between themselves. It’s not like you came and invaded their space, they were in your space and expected your space to totally change to accommodate them. Regardless of how able bodied they are you cannot come and stay at a house where two toddlers live and expect it to be a serene experience. I honestly would just cold shoulder them for a bit, let them have all the peace they like and don’t let them come squirming back when your kids are suddenly at an age they can tolerate.

I do agree though that your in laws are rude how they’ve communicated with you. Surely no need for them to say what they said? They can’t be visiting regularly due to the distance so all they needed to do was wait a few months and say they don’t feel up to the journey/being away from home for so long, etc.

I’ve had video calls with young children and parents. They may wander up and say hello or not then the parent just turn the camera so I can see them playing trucks. When they were close I asked three year old to draw a picture for next time. They did and were proud to bring it up and I praised it a few words about what it was. (In our case a close relative and live abroad.)

Id never expect a conversation with a 3 year old.

Im only in my 40s but disability means probably energy of someone older. They were really well behaved when I visited and a return but it was full on and draining. I played with them as much as I could but I wouldn’t be able to babysit even if I knew them well.

My parents are in their mid to late 80's and still take my 3 and 7 year old out for the day. 70 is on the younger side and certainly not old. They sound horrible and lazy and completely unrealistic.

@Wishingplenty do you not understand that peoples health varies widely? My parents died in their seventies. My grandmother at your parents age was in a nursing home. Neither were lazy.

Your children are only two and three years old, at Christmas! They were NOT badly behaved, they were just being typical little children. Don’t feel that you have to apologise for their behaviour, and don’t feel guilty that the in-laws are going to make do with video calls for the foreseeable future. That’s their decision and their loss.

They should have been trying to engage with your children and play with them while they were with you, and, if that was too much hassle for them, they could have taken them for a walk in their buggies and amused them that way. I’m speaking as a grandmother, by the way. Sitting on the sofa is not what you’d expect little kids to do unless you were watching a film or something with them.

As for alternatives, I’m not sure what to suggest, as, if you travel to them, that’s an awful hassle for you, as you’ll have to bring equipment for the children with you. It’s tough, but please don’t feel bad about it.

They aren’t even old! My grandma, so my dd’s great nana, is 90 next month and she still bakes cakes with my toddler dd, has a basket of toys at her flat for her, can work Netflix to put her favourite shows on, gets out paper and paints for her and engages her. Result is they have a lovely relationship! Your ILs sound like the kind of people who reached 70 and declared themselves old and infirm. They could try and actually play with your kids or take them to the park or something !

But the OP hasn't said that hers are in poor health has she?

They sound like miserable old farts who forgot how children are. Their loss. They won't benefit from a relationship with their grand children. Bye bye and farewell I'd say. Feel happy you won't have to stress anymore.

and won’t be visiting until they are better
you should have replied, 'cool, can I have that in writing'
I dont understand what the problem is, you have got rid of 2 grumpy rude people who expect to be waited on hand & foot😎

People are replying to those saying people in their seventies are young and the parents are just lazy.
We have no idea what the OPs parents are like health wise and therefore whether laziness is an issue as many people are claiming.

Assuming the GP would like to see their son from time to time, I think that meeting half way and/or staying in a hotel or AirB&B would be the best plan going forward.

Toddlers, and grandparents, work best in small doses sometimes.

Toddlers plus Zoom is pretty pointless.

@MerryMaker well they managed to get themselves to OP’s house and enjoy her hospitality for Christmas so they can’t be on deaths door just yet

Good riddance I guess.

I personally would have taken them out/upstairs and had DH sit in with his parents if they were misbehaved so badly and then took turns.

Their behaviour must have been really bad if you were shattered from it too.

I think it was rude of them to say it but they probably did that to let you both know how unacceptable their behaviour was.

Kids always tend to play up when you have visitors because they’re over excited and overwhelmed.

Perhaps you could visit them next time and stay in a hotel so the kids only need to behave for a small part of the day.

All these posters who are 70 and still young or who have DP and DGP who are - not all folk in their 70s are. My DPs are late 70s and wouldn't have wanted to be active with children since their early 70s, and neither would be physically able to do much more than sit on a sofa and chat with them these days.

Well, 70s is not old and they should be perfectly capable of mucking in and helping in every way, including with the children. I am 70s and have just spent Christmas at DDs mucking in with washing up, laying tables, peeling spuds, amusing GC.
Good for you.
My cousin died at 69 in August and another died at 65 in May
My friend died at 71 last year. She appeared perfectly well but it was found that she had an undiagnosed condition.
As I've said before quoting what some people can do at 70 or 80 is pointless. Even if people appear healthy when they are elderly a lot of internal stuff can be going on making them unable to cope.
I remember wondering what the problem was with my mum when she said she couldn't cope with the noise of my two. Now I am older I completely get it.

I’m sorry, I think the grandparents were dicks to say what they said, and I think it’s entirely understandable the kids acted up at Christmas- but you’re doing nobody any favours with “they weren’t badly behaved”. It sounds like the 3yo def was - pinching their mum? That’s bad behaviour. Sorry- I’m a pretty gentle parent- but there is a line, and in my house it’s causing deliberate harm to another person, or their belongings. And has been since my child could talk. They aren’t emotionally damaged by this expectation.

She's probably shattered because she and her DH were catering and trying to deal with excited children whilst two other adults just sat on the sofa

@KindLemur My Aunt who is on oxygen still goes on holiday.
The parents may be perfectly healthy and active, but getting on a train and getting a taxi is possible for anyone who can walk a little bit, but may be very unwell.

Unfortunately you can't teach old dogs new tricks.

People are either naturally good and tuned-in with little ones or they're not (and unfortunately your ILs seem to fall into the latter category).

I wouldn't put an energy in trying to change your ILs.

Let your DH do the video calls and deal with them. They'll probably soon feel left out if your parents are particularly hands-on.

Fwiw, I think they were quite rude and tactless. It's not what is said, it's how it's delivered, and they could have been a lot more thoughtful and understanding.

Well said

My parents are in their 80s, and mostly similarly sit; and my 2-yr-old twins come to them. When they kick off (the toddlers that is!), my parents actively distract them with a book, a toy, a song, whatever. They wouldn't dream of not seeing them. They sympathise that it's hard, and help as best they can. Your kids sensed the vibe, and kicked off accordingly. Thank fuck your in-laws have shown their hand, and you can breathe easy that you don't have to host for several years. Just keep telling them there's no change.

Well done great nana. Of course it depends on health but I'm getting the feeling a lot of posters believe once people hit 70 they are automatically decrepit.Having said that I remember at 16 thinking 30 was really old so I suppose it depends what stage of life you're in how your mind works in this respect.

Sorry but that’s awful of them- different if you had an 11 and 12 year old running at them and almost breaking bones or ripping up their newspapers or starting food fights … even if they’re fully incapacitated they don’t need to say that to you (and could have found a way to help!)