In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

It's easy to judge and say what horrid people but I'm 58 now and I can only stand small kids in very small doses. However there are parented kids and non parented kids. I used to take my young kids to visit my elderly mum and I made sure they were occupied so they didn't overwhelm her. If you weren't parenting them sufficiently then can you blame them?

The OP said she walked round the house with her child most of the day. I am sure she is parenting sufficiently.

Also would welcome tips on how to manage a 3 year old that doesn’t respond well to time out as don’t know what to do when she’s naughty (albeit isn’t much when routine is unchanged

Tween DD got hooked on old episodes of Supernanny USA over the summer. She demonstrates perfectly how to deal with naughty small children. It's worth a watch.

It strikes me that some posters are more indignant about what the grandparent's said, than the OP herself. I think now that she's had the opportunity to read some other opinions, she's realised that actually the GP's weren't being as unreasonable as perhaps she first thought, bearing in mind that she says that she too is 'shattered from it'. There are also people here making things up as they go along, they didn't send a nasty text afterwards, they told the OP as they left. Come on people, read the thread if you're going to comment and stop trying to wind things up.

Now that we know the full story, I think the grandparents were probably tired and cranky themselves, having done a fair amount of travelling, being away from home, (so probably not sleeping well), and having put up with tired, cranky, little ones for several days, so they then made the mistake of jumping in and saying that they would only do video calls until the kids are bigger as they left, which naturally upset the OP, as she'd been kind enough to host them. Perhaps if they'd waited until they got home, and had had some time to relax, they'd have put it to the OP, a few days later, and she would have been more understanding and less upset in the moment.

Personally, I think the whole thing is a storm in a teacup, and being almost the same age as the GP's myself, think that no one really thought through what was going to happen over the holidays properly. Now that the GP's have had their memories refreshed about what toddlers can be like to live with for more than a couple of hours, and how excitable and overwrought they can get over Christmas, they've realised it's all too much for them, and have perhaps overreacted, but a good chat and a bit of thought, can, I'm sure resolve things until the kids are a bit older.

As a matter of interest OP, is there any reason why you didn't actually put the kids to bed for a couple of hours if they were over tired? They might have fought against it initially, but perhaps if you'd asked Grandma or Grandpa to sit with them while they dropped off, it might have helped everyone. Just a thought.

So what if they are in perfect health. At 2 years old you should be parenting and managing your children’s behaviour. In China children around 1.5-2 are taught how to behave. Shit parenting always finds excuses and scapegoats.

They were toddlers at Christmas! Probably overwhelmed with shedloads of new toys and no routine. And if the parents were trying to get on with everything else Christmas it wouldn't have killed the GPs to help out

I don't think holding China up as an example is the win you think it is

I would parent a 2 year old a lot more out and about, making sure they stay at table etc and if not dh or I would end up leaving with them in pram to walk for nap before returning or similar.

like hell would I do that in my own home, on Christmas, when hosting, when guests expect to be cooked for and fed. If guests, family or not are here when we host and we had 2 year old I would expect them to either pitch in with food prep whilst I deal with child, or help entertain child or at least not moan about child if they choose to do nothing to help. Of course a 2 year old is going to be moany, likely missing nap, or super excited as gifts and guests, no normal routine.

Thats nonsense that people in the west use to excuse their children’s shit behaviour. Other societies manage bad behaviour at that age. If the OP doesn’t start managing her kids behaviour now, in 20 years time she will have an adult that’s a fuckwit.

Caspian’s post I can respect. She makes a fair and balanced point.

Ridiculous point about China. A large number of children have no siblings so the adult to children ratio is much higher.

Besides the huge role grandparents take in minding children whose parents are working hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

Strangely enough, my own children grew up to be perfectly pleasant adults

And I quite like my grandchildren too

Part of parenting and managing children's behaviour is reasonable expectations.

As parents, our job is not to make sure our children never ever inconvenience or annoy others, even in their own home, for one tiny millisecond. It's to bring them up, as best we can using the resources we have, to be happy, well-rounded, considerate and socially aware individuals. It's ok to have a few fails along the way.

We are also grandparents to young children age 67 and 72.
the kids could have been overtired with Xmas and excitement about grandparents visit.
we come up with silly games. Some just sitting. Being honest they all go through bouts of naughty behaviour. I would think the grandparents could have made an effort too.

2 and 3 year olds don't generally sit on the sofa for a chat and a cuppa. The ILs are entitled not to want to play but they can't expect toddlers to behave like adults. Don't feel guilty. They're unreasonable in their expectations.

Hi op,

a bit blunt but useful! I mean, it is best that you do just keep wondering if the visit was « that bad » for them that they avoid coming back. And they did reassure you that they still want just not able to cope with two tiny tornados.

most of all, I think you should lighten up on their opinion of your children. Who cares? You are the mum, you are bringing them up, you know they were out of routine and excited, you know they are two and three…see where it goes? Just don’t be hurt your IL are finding them a little difficult to handle at the moment. They obviously love them and trust you enough to tell you their plans.

I’d say well done you!
take a hot chocolate or some gin and try to put your feet up when you can!

Good luck op 🌺

Bright side - No in-laws visits!
give yourself a break all 2 and 3 year olds are a bit vile at Christmas 😆😆

Did they do anything to help you or actively engage with their grandchildren. We had our DD SIL and our DGD to stay for a week. The little one is a very busy ,bright,loud 2 and a half your old. As soon as they arrived I had the little one help me in the kitchen. My DH had bought her a little kitchen for £4 out of the charity shop and we made playdough for her play kitchen. She loved it. Christmas morning I took her out to play on the driveway in her new Car and Scooter. It's unfair of DGP's to say what they did if they didn't engage with the children. We went for walks so that her folks could,read,shower in peace rest/snooze or just touch base with their pals for coffee or a lunch. When you video call maybe ask them how they would feel about meeting at the park,library,for coffee?? Keep the visits short.Maybe seeing the children in a context they can engage with for short bursts would help. Good luck. !

Some people have more patience as they get older some are the complete opposite, some just don't like children. Personally id say sorry the children were a bit over excited and maybe a video call would be better in future at least untill they are a bit older. Leave it at that.

You may not understand that the 70s prevent the range of movement your parents used to have. Sitting on the floor is tough if you are down there a long time and getting up is a bit of a challenge.
my kids don’t realise that I would love to run and play but it is increasingly harder as you get older. They still see me as having masses of energy and being very active. A day with my grandson knocks me out! A little understanding would be good

Then they should have had the manners to explain that and come to a compromise, not throw their toys out of their pram like toddlers themselves, leaving OP feeling bad.

I think it’s pathetic of them to be honest. They’d seriously rather only have contact with their own grandchildren via video calls until they’re older? 😳

Then they have unrealistic expectations. If they didn’t interact with DC did they sympathise with you when the children were lively and offer to help with cooking, cleaning, shopping etc?

People raise their children in different ways and each to their own, I was good with my children but if I said stop, they stopped (even at 2 and 3)and did what I said and everyone said bring them back anytime as they were so good and polite and still are (now 17 and 18) but my sister has 2 children and we went shopping once mine children just walked at my side and hers, well the best way of describing it were like feral animals doing whatever they wanted and no matter what my sister or mother said blatantly ignored.

I was embarrassed and walked off as not having my children thinking that was the way they should be behaving.

We always lived in a calm house and my sisters wasn't so much so maybe that has something to do with it but I still think even as young as they are they can learn from a stern voice (usually the father and sometimes just a look is enough) but each to their own.

Why are you taking this as an insult? It sounds like the in-laws are being realistic. They are too old to do much to help and know their presence winds up the children. It’s unfortunate but needn’t be for ever. When the children are a little older visits might be easier.

🤣