In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

What was your OH doing all that time? Dozing with his parents by any chance????? Doesn't sound like he was helping you, OP.

Nobody asked you about your preferred parenting techniques.

My goodness - how arrogant.

70's is hardly old. 2 and 4 years olds don't often just sit on the sofa with boring grandparents do they?

I suspect they may come to regret saying that. Your dc are really young and have done nothing wrong and nor have you.

How is goday?! I saw a comment that the kids should not have been allowed out of their bedrooms until 7am, and I do know “good kids” that do actually do this. With my kids, no chance! It’s just not the way they are!

But surely you can understand that everyone has differing energy levels? It's pointless and dogmatic to say they should be able to muck in. Some people die in their 70s after all!

It's very difficult for someone with lots of energy to understand that others aren't the same and have to carefully manage their energy. But please try to develop some empathy.

That said, perhaps they should have explained to you why they feel they can't cope with your DC.

the parents who actually parent you mean?

I think you are perceiving this as a judgement of your parenting and I suspect it was.

piscofrisco, actually for some people it is old. Quite a number don't live that long.

To be fair, over-excited small children are a PITA. I seem to remember leaving a restaurant with my two around the same age, swearing I wouldn't take them out to eat again until they were at least 18.

I'd say to them that you agree Christmas didn't really work for anyone. The DC do best when they're in their routine and have opportunities to burn off plenty of energy. Suggest you stay at the local Premier Inn and go out to the zoo/park/NT place next time, rather than staying in all day.

in that context, it makes more sense.
The AGE of the children is relevant. A 2 year old not leaving their bedroom until 7am? I doubt that. Even if they are fully potty trained and take themselves quietly to the toilets first thing without waking anyone else up, it sounds.. unlikely 😂

They could gtf if they thought id organise video calls. They could also gtf if they needed any care later tbh.
I would take their request as a massive insult and would not go out of my way for them again.

@TooManyChristmasCards No. The ones with entirely unrealistic expectations of 2 and 3 year olds. They can and do have meltdowns. They can get overexcited, particularly at Christmas. It happens. It doesn't mean OP is a terrible parent. Why is it all on OP anyway? It takes a village and all that. Meanwhile you have GPs who expect to be waited on, and actually complain when service doesn't come up to scratch. Again, unrealistic expectations.

You're very lucky to be so able and healthy in your 70s.

My parents both died in their seventies, so pretty old for them.

Kids get excited, you don’t mention your Other half, where were they in all this?

as to in laws sitting on the sofa doing nothing, that’s awful in my opinion, they would see you rushing round, I would expect some help

Personally if they want a video call they can set it up, and if it’s not convenient then I would say so

and I would not make any effort with them, leave it all to your other half

Obviously that goes without saying as do people of all ages. It's was the insinuation that ALL people in their 70s are confined to the sofa. It would have been better if OP had stated the reason rather than emphasising their age. I'm many years away from being in my 70s but my parents at that stage of life were babysitting toddlers regulary & doing school runs etc. They admitted it was tiring but wouldn't have had it any other way. I hope to be the same but understand not everyone is the same.

Depends doesn’t it. My dad died at 69 and spent the last 5 years of his life bed bound/sofa bound, could just about manage to shuffle round the house on his walker. My mum died at 72yo after been very poorly with cancer for a couple of years.

My MIL is in her 70s with poor mental health and can’t handle our toddler aged kids. When we visit we stay in a hotel nearby and see her for 2 hours visits at her house max. It’s not ideal but the way it is. My dad in the other hand, is also in his 70s and fully involved with his grandkids, bad behaviour and all! I can accept it from my MIL because of ill health but if they are otherwise well, I’d be very disappointed if I were in your shoes OP. It’s like they aren’t really accepting them as their grandchildren ’warts and all’, only if they meet their standard.

They’re old and couldn’t manage with it all. And expressed that, although blunt and to the point. I think you’re winning here.

Standard 2/3 year old behaviour. Not unusual. All kids are different. Our eldest DC behaved impeccably up until pre-teen ages. Our last two DC are normal and a handful.

What does DH think?

What was DH doing the whole time, especially when you were pacing around with one DC on your hip, and the other DC was pinching you for attention?

Honestly? I’m in a couple of mind about this. I can understand finding toddlers hard work. My children are 13 and 11 but I remember putting my daughter’s tantrums on FB - she once lay on the floor screaming for half an hour because I wouldn’t let her put her foot in my coffee cup. It’s likely that the grandparents have forgotten what very small children are like.

On the other hand, it’s important to be realistic about how pointless video calls are going to be. I hate video calls and I’m 46. Make the video calls your husband’s job. Or set a time limit - you will stop following your child around with a phone after five minutes.

I would get snippy if, having decided not to see them in person, they get cross that the children are only really close to the other grandparents. Pointed remarks about how “other granny” is the favourite need to be stopped right away.

I wouldn't (and don't) put up with shitty behaviour! Don't be so ridiculous

They're toddlers at Christmas.

So you play with them. You don't expect them to sit quietly on the sofa.

It's not rocket science

I would be over the moon! On day 7 of an 8 day visit from in laws I would rejoice if they said this.

Did they leave today? Because if they managed several days with you it can’t have been that bad. I mean they could have Boxing Day or the day after if it was that awful.

They are tricky ages add in Christmas and visitors and it is a stressful mix. They didn’t need to say anything

A very balanced post.