Why don’t you prioritise yourself?

[Ratisshortforratthew]

Inspired by the multitude of threads from women who’ve done all the cooking/gift buying and wrapping/arranging visits etc at Christmas while their useless lump of a husband does nothing but also in general the many women on here who have a useless lump of a husband who does nothing in everyday life.

I often see the same reasons given: that women are socialised to put themselves last; they care more about family/cleanliness/keeping up appearances than men; they feel that being selfish is bad, and many more along those lines.

I’m a woman but I can’t relate to this at all. I grew up in a house where my dad never lifted a finger and my mum enabled him and waited on him hand and foot and from a very young age I remember thinking to myself “sod that for a game of soldiers”. I’ve actually taken much more after my dad - I’m lazy, I wouldn’t do many things that a lot of people here think are non negotiable like clean the house for visitors or do anything for Christmas. Basically my number one priority in life is me and my own happiness and comfort. I don’t like Christmas so I simply don’t partake in it and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact I never really do anything I don’t want to, I just say no. I’ve buggered off to the other side of the world alone for 5 weeks and left my partner at home (no kids). On our first date I told him that myself and my independence would always come before our relationship and if he didn’t like the sound of that he wasn’t the person for me.

It’s never occurred to me to want to “look after” a partner or feel any obligation to my parents, in fact I think they’re both a bit crap so I don’t bother much beyond phoning them. I feel no obligation to look after them in old age. Couldn’t give a monkeys what people think of me or the way I live my life.

So where are the other women like me? Why do so many women find prioritising themselves a taboo notion or something they’d like to do but can’t bring themselves to? Kids, sure, I understand they have to be prioritised and the fact I don’t have them is a huge factor but that doesn’t mean you have to be running about appeasing partners and extended family too.

I’m intrigued as to how I missed this apparently common part of female socialisation.

Good question. I often ask myself this and i still have no answer.

Although i certainly didn't and wouldn't marry a useless lump of a husband.
I'm not a martyr or an idiot.

No idea my mum married has married grown fully functional men, sure somw didn't work out but not related, my sibling and I have married fully functional men

They are not different to us we are not martyrs, I have no idea why other women do what they do but complain endlessly about it that is on them

I think a key thing here is that you have no kids.

OP like you I took after my dad and thought 'fuck this, I'm not being a martyr.'

Yes, I agree - but one of the reasons I don’t want kids (apart from simply having no desire for them) is that I’d hate to live a life where I couldn’t just please myself on my own schedule all the time.

Yes, I agree - but one of the reasons I don’t want kids (apart from simply having no desire for them) is that I’d hate to live a life where I couldn’t just please myself on my own schedule all the time.

Some people don’t realise their self worth. They are happy to find someone who remotely fits the bill and prioritise having a family and marriage (perception) over their happiness.
They assume it will get better, after marriage, after the 1st baby, after the 2nd, it doesn’t. They do their best to build a life they want single handed while keeping up appearances that all is right, and doing it for the children.
My DH is my best friend, many of my friends partners are not. It makes a huge difference.

I think there is a middle ground here. You don't have to pick between being a complete self centred island or being a doormat for everyone around you.
That being said everyone deserves to live their life in a way that makes them happy; as long as one person's choices don't directly mean someone else isn't happy then live & let live.
You've been open with your partner from the start and it's doesn't seem like you've led your parents to belive you'd ever care for them in old age so everyone knows where they stand.

I love my parents, DH and DDs.
I will put their needs above my wants.
But I won't put their wants above my needs.

I think for many (most?) people, having strong social bonds is the thing that makes life worthwhile. Total independence means rejecting those bonds, including not having children or being a shit parent, so for most women at least it is a prize not worth having.

Obviously there is a middle ground, and I 100% believe in not putting yourself last or accepting any old shit just to avoid being single.

totally agree, @Elmo230885 🎄

Perfect, I like this sentiment a lot!

This is true, but you’ve reminded me that my parents despite their faults have always taught me to go out and live life exactly as u want, follow my dreams, and that they’d hate for me to care for them in old age because they don’t see it as my responsibility. So in some ways they encouraged my mindset here.

I don't think it has to be so extreme. I do kind things for my husband and family because I want to. I'm not a martyr. I don't buy and wrap husbands gifts for his family etc. We have a balanced relationship. But also for me, I want to live a life centred around kindness to others. I wouldnt see living entirely for myself and my own happiness 100% of the time as the right way to live my life. I don't find selfishness a nice trait. For me Christmas is about giving to others, we do a lot of charity. But of course everyone lives according to their own values.

There is a middle line. Ideally care about other people and especially those you love but know your own worth and look after your needs too.
Your description sounds selfish and not someone anyone could rely on so it makes me wonder why they would want a relationship with you tbh.
Unless the other person is exactly the same I suppose.
It sounds a sad way to live to me.
Part of love is supporting and caring and generally being there for the other person. Obviously all too many women don’t get this back from men and I am someone who has experienced this myself. In fact part of why I will never try another relationship is that I don’t trust myself to set and maintain my own boundaries about what I need.
But I wouldn’t want a world where women become as selfish as men. Men need to come up to our level, not us stoop to theirs.

Yes, there is a middle ground.
I like to do my bit so my family can have a nice life. That means having a clean home, good food and things being done.
My dh does his bit too and now I expect the kids to do their bit.
I do prioritise myself sometimes and will do things that are important to me.
My dcs respect that and know that sometimes I'm unavailable.

You don't have children...

That pretty much answers your question - why aren't more women like you.

Why don't you ask - why aren't more men helpful, considerate fathers who help to carry the mental and physical load of Christmas?

I'm sitting here reading this whilst drinking a cup of coffee and cuddling a cat on my lap, while DH cleans the kitchen to within an inch of its life. He's going to run the hoover round in a minute, before our guests arrive. I'm cooking dinner, but once it is dished up, that's where my responsibility ends. Pudding & custard, clearing away, washing up and providing food/drink for the rest of the day is down to other people. We co-operate with one another, and it all gets done without anyone feeling hard done by.

I do prioritise myself on everyday life - my health, my career (which I love), and my social life. (NB my kids have left home and have their own happy independent lives).

But that doesn’t mean it’s at the expense of anyone else. My lovely DP (who does far more practical stuff than me), my family, my kids, my friends, all get plenty of me.

Prioritising yourself doesn’t have to mean you’re a selfish arsehole. I can’t imagine buggering off to the other side of the world at Christmas by myself. And i Speak as someone who has several alone / friends holidays a year.

Selfish and selfless are two ends of a very large spectrum, and you don't have to be at one end or the other. You can be somewhere in the middle.

I agree with this. I wouldn't call myself a martyr I think I have balance there. I enjoy nurturing and looking after my kids, acts of service is my love language, I like the people that I love to feel cared for and looked after. I also have time for the things I enjoy too.

My kids are adults now but I still love to see them enjoying things that I do for them. I’m no martyr, we all pull together.

Why?
Because there is pleasure in caring fir someone else and making them happy
Because I dont think living your life as if you’re the only important person in it automatically gives you a happy life
Because I do things for my dcs and for myself. Not just for me.

And none of that means I’ve become a doormat either.

I have to say, your description of a life where you never do things you dint really want to do doesn’t feel appealing to me.